This is the best opening paragraph in any news story ever


#1

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#2

Fraternities/sororities have my vote for weirdest extant phenomenon in America. I reserve the right to move my vote in the future, but seriously.

I look forward to reading this article.


#3

"It takes a certain kind of personal-injury lawyer to look at the facts of this glittering night and wrest from them a plausible plaintiff and defendant, unless it were possible for Travis Hughes to be sued by his own anus."

I have begun, and it is going well.


#4

All else aside, someday I hope to write a phrase as beautiful as "under the influence of powerful inebriants, not least among them the clear ether of youth itself..."


#5

I had a lot of 'splaining to do the time the wife caught me huffing that stuff...


#6

I know the story was about falling off balconies, but I was morbidly curious what became of our bottle rocket protagonist (or perhaps proctologist), but was too lazy to read the entire thing.


#7

The limited legal recourse of his anus are the last we hear of him, I'm afraid.


#8

All these years since college, and this article brings back memories of the.worst.fucking.part. About the only good thing frats did on my campus (Colby) was to keep most of the jocks away from the rest of us. They (the frats) were nearly uniformly destructive, abusive, sexist, and even (in those ancient days) racist. I give major props to the school for completely shutting them down a few years after I graduated.


#9

Pffft - amateurs. The Australian Version = Best Headline Ever.

Wish I could post picture on first post though


#10

The thing that weirds me out about stories like this is that theoretically college students should be some of the brightest young people in America. If our institutions of higher learning are still populated by kids like this Rocketeer, what the hell are the high school dropouts up to?


#11

Appropriate music to go with the article. Fire in the Hole.


#12

I was a bit confused when I first read the article. I thought he had inserted the entire rocket into his butt. This would not have ended well for the kid. On second consideration (and different language from other articles online), I imagine he stuck a bit of the stick end of the rocket into himself (much as one would stick a rocket into the ground). Under this scenario the kid's "receiving end" would get some nice burns, but nothing serious. Bummer.


#13

I missed a word and the paragraph took on a strange new meaning.

he would shove a bottle rocket up his ass and blast into the sweet night air

...leaving the party and soaring away...

(But stronger drugs would probably be needed to inspire that train of thought.)


#14

Judging by the vast array of youtube videos out there, I now know that the proper method is to use your asscrack to hold the stick, not actually insert the stick into your anus.


#15

Ha ha, you said "bum."


#16

I assumed that he used bummer as a shortcut for "bum burner"


#17

He later dropped out of college altogether, having failed a number of courses, including anatomy and Latin, but he always referred to that year (sometimes, it must be said, to the polite derision of his more learned colleagues) as his anus mirabilis.


#18

You've given this shit entirely too much thought.


#19

You'd think they would just stick to lighting farts.


#20

What followed ignition was not the bright report of a successful blastoff, but the muffled thud of fire in the hole.

Brilliant, with distinct echoes of the Bulwer-Lytton Awards.