This metal Swingline stapler isn't red, but it's cheap

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My favorite part of Milton’s speech turns out to have been an improv by Stephen Root.

And I said, I don’t care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I’m quitting, I’m going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they’ve moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married.… But then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn’t bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it’s not okay because if they take my stapler then I’ll, I’ll, I’ll set the building on fire…

“[A]nd they were married.”

Apparently the script said “merry”, but Root thought it funnier, and I suppose squirrellier, if Milton liked watching the squirrels have sex.


Don’t you go telling me when I will and won’t want to be burning buildings down! I’ve burned people’s buildings down for less than that!


Look at arson - I mean, how many of us can honestly say that at one time or another he hasn’t set fire to some great public building? I know I have.


Sorry, but saving a few bucks can’t make a 444 commercial stapler feel as marvelous in my hand as a 747 business stapler. It just can’t!


I feel like a stapler is one of those devices where enough have been made that we should just be shuffling used ones around as people pass away or downsize to fewer staplers.

A couple of years ago I saw a review of “flat-clinch” staplers on one of @frauenfelder’s other websites and bought one to see what it was like. It was so superior to any other stapler I’ve ever used that I don’t like to even be in the same room as a Swingline, in case I accidentally use it.

Here’s the one I bought; it is palmsize and goes through 40 sheets with no effort at all:

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I always interpreted that much more innocently, like they were an inseparable couple who fought occasionally but were otherwise by each others’ sides for life.


I found the 747 Swingline chrome stapler and gold chrome stapler in thrift stores twice! I bought them both for $5 each.


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