Tortoises opening doors

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They’ve breached the final barrier. We’re doomed.

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Only if you’re lettuce.


Even more terrifying: Filming Portrait.

I, for one, welcome our new lords and masters.

Seriously, we own some turtles. More worried about them getting out than in.


They make great pets – or at least my golden retriever thinks so (pretty sure the turtle doesn’t agree).

We have an eastern box turtle that keeps getting into our yard, and she’ll happily carry it around in her mouth all day long, given the chance. I keep taking it from her, but the darn thing keeps coming back.

Last time I took it from her my son was around, and he said “I think it’s deformed; there are no head or leg holes.”

“No,” I told him, “it’s just really, really unhappy right now. It’s clamped down pretty hard.”


Actually, as someone who just “inherited” one (it was walking down the road in front of our house, no one in the neighborhood claimed it), they can have serious issues as pets: namely, some of them live forever. Much to my discomfit, we now have a very young sulcata tortoise. She (? we’re hoping) is probably a year or two old and weighs about two pounds.

C. sulcata is the third-largest species of tortoise in the world after the Galapagos tortoise, and Aldabra giant tortoise, and the largest of the mainland tortoises.[4] Adults are usually 24 to 36 in length (60–90 cm) and can weigh 100-200 lb (45 – 91 kg). They grow from hatchling size (2–3 in) very quickly, reaching 6-10 in (15–25 cm) within the first few years of their lives. The lifespan of an African spurred tortoise is about 50–150 years,[citation needed] though they can live much longer. (The oldest in captivity is 54 years, located in the Giza Zoological Gardens, Egypt, 1986).


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They’re coming for you! Very, very slowly.

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OK, that proves my cat is far dumber than even a tortoise. A swinging door open a crack is insurmountable to this feline idiot. And I mean all he has to do is push! The other cat would do it at a run.

Those aren’t tortoises, they’re a variety of shots of Senator McConnell.


I have a Russian tortoise. Usually he doesn’t open any doors but there’s one cabinet that he likes to sleep in. Even though the door is quite tight he can open it.

Tortoises usually solve problems with brute force and stubbornness. They have plenty of both.

It Follows!

Someone, I forget who, described them as ‘slow, but diligent sex maniacs’.


I’m pretty sure Mitch McConnell hasn’t figured out how to open sliding doors.

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Our golden used to bring young bunnies home… (never hurt them) Perhaps we should have a race?

No, but I do have a cabbage for a head.

I think we both know how that would turn out in the end!

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