This past weekend, the Cannes Film Festival culminated in a groundbreaking moment: for the first time in its 77-year history, the festival’s jury bestowed the award for Best Actress on an out transgender woman.
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I’m nonbinary and on HRT. I’m AMAB, but don’t identify with maleness at all. I thought for a long time that meant I was a woman, but meeting more gender diverse people after coming out, I went from not really understanding nonbinary to realizing I am one.
My gender identity is ‘nonbinary trans woman’, which is confusing for people not accustomed to the variety found in gender, but to me it’s like I’m 60% woman, 40% something else (I call that fae, but I don’t think I’m actually a fairy or anything) and my pronouns are fae/faer(preferred) and she/her(mostly for cis people’s comfort). I want a femme body, hate my masculine features, but I’m not really fully a woman, so I’m nonbinary and on feminizing hormones.
ETA: the micro-identity I identify with most is demigirl (Demigirl | Gender Wiki | Fandom) which is inherently a nonbinary identity.
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I am very much still learning this brave new world that has such creatures in it. (And demi-fae sounds amazing!) Thank you for sharing. I will still screw up more often than get it right. But I really am trying.
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And believe me, we can see that and appreciate it highly. It’s part of why I’m comfortable being open about this here. I don’t talk a lot about this outside of explicitly queer spaces because most of those aren’t safe to do so in and I’m glad the BBS is an exception
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I ended up identifying in a very similar way but from a different direction!
Gender never made much sense to me, and for a long time I assumed that since I didn’t feel strongly that I was obviously a woman, I should just listen to what everyone around me told me I was (a man).
Eventually, and entirely thanks to trans and nonbinary people speaking openly about their experiences with gender, I realized that I don’t actually need to know with certainty what my gender is for it to be anything other than cis. That realization allowed me to give myself permission to explore.
The further along I get, the more my transition looks like a binary MtF one (eg I’m on a fairly standard course of spironolactone and estradiol)… but I still don’t feel like either binary gender category fits me. I’m just trying to build myself into the person I want to be, without regard for arbitrary categories and rules!
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That’s my path as well, from a medical perspective it’s pretty much a standard MtF transition, but for me it’s not an accurate description.
CW: surgery
The one thing I’m unsure of is bottom surgery, but a large part of that is that I really am averse to surgery and that’s a major, highly traumatic surgery that unless or until it becomes an issue, I’m fine with putting that off. I’m already a non-standard woman, so there’s a good chance it never will happen.
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In the spirit of sharing…I use she/her pronouns, and identify as a trans woman, but if I had come out later than I did, or if I were younger, I might identify more as nonbinary. Objectively, it’s probably a more accurate description. But here’s the thing. I’m happy with me today. I went through transition, including bottom surgery, and I am very happy with who I am, physically and mentally, today. So I don’t really think about my gender much anymore. I’m just me. So I don’t really see a need at this point to change a label just for the sake of accuracy. Or precision might be a better word. But that could change tomorrow. Who knows? What I am 100% certain of is that surgery was the right choice for me. A couple of days after the surgery, they removed the packing and handed me a mirror. That moment I actually physically experienced what I can only describe as gears in my brain that had been misaligned my entire life slipping into alignment in an instant. I’m not saying it’s right for everyone, but I know that it was right for me. I haven’t had a second’s regret in the years since.
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Clouds and boxes, my friend. Always keep that in mind.
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I think I’m missing a reference here?
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I have put my theory of clouds and boxes up a few times, making unwarranted assumptions, clearly. Anyway, it goes like this:
Any human characteristic, gender, orientation, intelligence, whatever, can be modelled as an amorphous cloud filling the available space. It is a human failing to wish to categorize these, by putting them in boxes. And whether one puts out 2 or 42 boxes, the result will be the same. There will be some who fit quite nicely into the box, some who kinda sorta fit, but are not very comfortable, and some who are nowhere near a box. The only way to really be at peace is to abandon the whole concept of boxes and let the cloud be what it is. Very Zen-ish.
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Yeah, I got really into it for a bit when I first came out, and was worried about finding a box and label and all that jazz, but eventually realized it was kind of pointless. I am me, and so I found the place I felt comfortable which was nonbinary trans woman and that’s what I use.
I don’t think finding the exact right label is that important at all, and I’m increasingly convinced that it’s impossible and believe there are as many genders as there are people alive, since everyone has their own experience of what their gender is that’s different from everyone else’s. Given that, and that there are groupings of similar feelings, a few umbrella terms are all that’s really needed anyway.
I am not sure about surgery for the reasons stated above, but I do know if I could swap instantly and painlessly it would be a much easier decision, which I guess means it would be right for me, and I should probably get over my issues and figure it out.
I do know that when I first encountered fae/faer pronouns, something clicked in my brain and I genuinely got goosebumps, like they were something that had been missing my whole life and now they were there to claim as my own, so I imagine it’ll be the same for me physically post-op.
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I’m not going to lie. The surgery was a lot. It’s a major surgery. I had a lot of pain. I’ve talked to others who had very little. The recovery is also a lot. The aftercare is a lot. It’s a big deal. It was worth it for me. I’m sure it’s not for everyone. I don’t want to scare you off it, but I don’t want you to think it was all rainbows and unicorns, either.
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Oh, I’m aware it’s a big deal. A friend almost bled out in a bathtub not long after theirs (and showed me a picture of the resulting mess, for some reason), which admittedly has scared me off a bit. But when I think if I could do it without the whole ordeal attached, I’d do it in a heartbeat, and that helps me clarify that I probably should do it since it’s clear I want it. I just am scared. I’ve got some minor existing trauma from a bad supposedly ‘minor’ operation when I was a kid, the idea of undergoing a ‘major’ operation frightens me.
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It’s major surgery. And not the easiest recovery.
But 99% of women who wanted it are happy for having done so.
After a couple of decades- it’s just another memory. I hated electrolysis much more. It expensive, it’s never ending, you have to grow it in for treatment, you look like shit after, it’s painful and after a few years you may have to go back for more.
At least for those of us that required needle hair removal. Laser just doesn’t work on light colored hair.
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I’m dirty blonde, and older. Laser got rid of my shadow, but I still need to shave every day or I get dysphoric. As soon as my situation here is stabilized (moving provinces is expensive!) I’ll be doing electrolysis.
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Blonde and gray here. And apparently electrology resistant. I’ll probably have to go in for some touch up. But another effudex treatment first, unfortunately.
I hates it! Fuck, fuck, fuckety, fuck, fuck.
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Yeah I discovered that. And electrolysis didn’t work that great, either. I actually gave up on it after a year with barely noticeable results. So I still shave. I wish I didn’t have to, but them’s the breaks.
ETA: I shouldn’t complain, really. I was blessed with not that much of a beard to begin with. I never shaved every day, even by my mid 30s, right before I started HRT. Now, between electrolysis and HRT (which did change the texture of my facial hair a little) I shave 2 or 3 times a week. That’s it. It’s not really much of a bother. I can live with it easily.
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The full headline:
“This Is Bigger Than Us”: How Dwyane Wade Went From Being Zaya’s Supportive Dad to a Vocal Trans Advocate
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