"This is my butt. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
"My butt is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
"Without me, my butt is useless. Without my butt, I am useless.
"I must poop my butt true. I must poop straighter than my enemy who is trying to poop me.
“I must poop him before he poops me.”
Pvt Pile
So close to perfect but I have to point out that “Pvt Piles” was right there! 
He’s called Pyle in the film, so I’d altered it; but, you are right, I should have included the “s”. 
Every man’s ass is a combat zone.
But also, I think this was a joke made for John Oliver’s show when he was making fun of the products hucked on Alex Jones’ shows.
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