"I was not depressed, I WAS ANGRY, and it was not that I was not eating, it was that I was eating too much. I am not talking about a whole tub of Häagen-Dazs on the couch, no. Most people eat ice cream when they are upset. Not me. Not me. Some people like Ron Desantimonius eats pudding with his fingers when he’s upset. With his fingers, can you believe that?
No I order down into the kitchen and I say ‘Bring me a whole pot of macaroni and cheese. Make sure it’s Kraft because it’s the cheesiest.’ Most people don’t know it’s the cheesiest, but we know. We know it is. We love our cheese, don’t we?
Macaroni and Cheese - invented by a guy you might have heard of: Yankee… Doodle. You might know him as General President George Washington. They wrote a song about it, but he was modest and said, ‘Please don’t use my name. Don’t use my name, I don’t want the attention. Call it something else. Call it Yankee… Doodle.’
‘Doodle’…‘noodle’. Those words sound a lot alike, I just now realized that. You think that is how he came up with the name? A lot of people say that it is.
He invented macaroni and cheese and wrote a song about it and went on to be the best president of the United States. Maybe the second best, right behind someone else, if we are being honest. Just a little bit behind you know who.
And I get the macaroni and cheese and I get this big spoon. You should see this spoon. It’s a big beautiful silver spoon. It cost a lot, that much I can tell you. And with rage tears streaming down my face I eat it. I should stop about half way in, but I don’t because I never quit. I never quit, some people don’t know that about me, but you all do, right?
I don’t quit and I eat all of the macaroni and cheese and then I fall asleep and when I wake up I have this golden glow about me. They call it a fake tan, a fake tan. That’s fake news. It’s actually the natural golden glow of macaroni and cheese."
