Originally published at: Watch: MAGA folk can now toast their bits with this Tucker Testicle Toaster | Boing Boing
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It just dawned upon me, you have to have nuts to in order apply this strange method of manly madness in the first place.
P.S. The tweezers are in the medicine cabinet next to your douche canoe pills GQP’ers.
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Periodic reminder that testosterone-concerned manly-man Tucker Carlson spent the first half of his career crafting a public persona that resembled the emasculated love child of Pee-Wee Herman and Orville Redenbacher.
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I feel like the love child of those two would be infinitely cooler.
As for the toaster idea, a warm hair dryer on a cold morning after a shower can get things feeling nice and toasty.
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Something something “Swanson’s frozen fish stick and hush puppies”
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I just got done watching The Andy Warhol Diaries on Netflix and the whole history of Warhol’s relationship with Jon Gould was pretty mind blowing for me.
I was around 9 or 10 when The Preppy Handbook was published, and I’m straight, so it never occurred to me that a subset of closeted gay men where using that book as an instruction manual of ‘how to pass.’ So not only was the story of Warhol being in love with the handsome super preppy Hollywood producer, Jon Gould new to me, I’d never really understood anything like Warhol’s fetishizing Jon Gould’s ability to pass. Maybe I’m just naive, but being straight, I’d just never had to think about it before.
But’s that literally all I can think about now when I think of this new promo that Tucker put out. Tucker would have been 11 or 12 when The Preppy Handbook came out, and only about 4-5 years out from his parents divorce because his mom wanted a more bohemian lifestyle.
I know it’s almost passe to assume that some Republicans are in the closet, but goddamn, Tucker really seems like he is bitter closeted queen who fetishizes “high T” men.
I mean look at this paragraph form Tuckers Wikipedia page
Carlson was briefly enrolled at Collège du Léman, a boarding school in Switzerland, but said he was “kicked out”.[53] He attained his secondary education at St. George’s School, a boarding school in Middletown, Rhode Island, where he started dating his future wife, Susan Andrews, the headmaster’s daughter.[54] He then went to Trinity College in Hartford, Connecticut, graduating in 1991 with a BA in history.[33] Carlson’s Trinity yearbook describes him as a member of the “Dan White Society”, an apparent reference to the American political assassin who murdered San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk.[55][56][57] After college, Carlson tried to join the Central Intelligence Agency, but his application was denied, after which he decided to pursue a career in journalism with the encouragement of his father, who advised him that “they’ll take anybody”
And tell me that’s not the origin story of a closeted gay supervillian
Edit - Now after I’ve said all that, go watch that video of Tucker and Kid Rock talking about testicle tanning that was posted earlier. Ewwwwwww
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“Go tan your balls!” is how I’m responding to conservatives from now on!
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The first time I ever heard his name was when he was a guest on Jeopardy! May have been something like Celebrity or DC Jeopardy! or whatever. He was so fucking ignorant of some of the most elementary questions asked that I took note. I’m sad to say he seems to have regressed since.
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Yeah, when Kid Rock is too classy to get down with your jam, you should really self-examine.
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That may be the single most pitiful display of aspirational masculinity I’ve ever had the displeasure of witnessing.
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I am just…I can’t believe that is real. So incredibly weird.
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What’s the intersection of MAGA males who have high incidence of testicular cancer because they’re too homophonic to “self-examine”? Colon cancer?
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I’m just gonna go ahead and assume that this causes sterility. Don’t anyone burst my bubble by saying otherwise!
Thanks for making me laugh myself into a hernia… 
Anyway…
Wouldn’t those be more like raisins than marbles, then?
Not sure he ever had anything in the way of marbles, in any sense of the word.
This looks like it might be a more efficient Raisin Roaster:
Every time I see the newest from this guy, I cannot help but wonder if he’s not eventually going to come out and say his entire career up to this point has been some sort of performance art thing along the lines of Andy Kaufman. It’s all just so very… nuts.
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Oddly enough, Ben Shapiro seems cut from nearly the same mold. Both are obsessed with “manliness” and so on, though. It’s very sad, actually.
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“The Dock says I should cheque my bawls but I have an irrational vier of hoe mo’ sexual tea”
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