Agreed. A marriage should not be preserved for it’s own sake. No one should be subjected to any kind of abuse, just to preserve an institution.
Woman asks Slate's Dear Prudence if she should divorce husband who shoved her face into wedding cake
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Yeah, the husband sounds like an asshole. If there’s One Thing You Should Not Do at the wedding, and You Do It Deliberately, then you are a dick.
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It’s not a good sign, to be sure, but on principle (perhaps they didn’t know each other for very long before getting married?) I’d say give him a serious warning and one more chance. But if anything else like that ever happens again, peace out absolutely.
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Nah, fuck that. No one should be subjected to abuse, to preserve a marriage. No one. If it happens at the wedding, it will happen again.
Women are told over and over again that our safety is secondary to things like preserving an institution. How about we start putting people’s safety first.
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I do agree, it’s likely created an insurmountable wall that can no longer be overcome but i think having a mediator there is helpful even if its to say things are no longer going to work. That’s just my point of view, and of course i do respect and back the lady’s decision to end things
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In this case there is no both sides. None.
I’m pretty sick of being told that women need to bend over backwards in the face of abuse. This is what happened in this case. Purposefully ignoring someone’s express request is a form of abuse.
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No way. In the full Slate letter, she mentions that she never even really cared about getting married, but when he proposed she said yes and they divided up the planning, with her telling him her one hard and fast rule. To me that sounds like she already had compromised a lot about stuff because it was important to him. So the fact that he couldn’t honor her one request that was important to her…that’s very unlikely to be a healthy relationship. 
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I’ve been through a divorce and it was a very difficult traumatic period in my life but i appreciated having the chance to talk and end things, but yeah that’s where i was coming from. I do recognize that everyone has their own circumstances and i can only speak to what’s relative to what i’ve experienced
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This shit heel had backup cupcakes made? Some premeditated fuck what you want, I am shoving your face into this cake? Yeah, divorce this man.
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Since there’s so much conjecture going on, here’s part of her letter:
My only hard-and-fast rule was that he would not rub cake in my face at the reception.
Being a reasonable man who knows me well, he didn’t. Instead, he grabbed me by the back of the head and shoved my head down into it. It was planned since the cake was DESTROYED, and he had a bunch of cupcakes as backup.
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Groom / Husband is showing one of the classic signs of narcissistic personality disorder with this move. Bride / Wife set a boundary and he instantly sought to break it, in an extreme public fashion no less.
Hopefully she sticks to her guns, divorces and gets far, far away as this is not a “one-time” thing, but just the tip of the iceberg of what’s to come if she sticks around. She is “lucky” in the sense that the NPD outed himself with this move (as many don’t show their true colors until they really have a chance to get their claws in) giving her the chance to save herself years of misery – a potential lifetime if they’d had kids together.
EDIT: The fact that he had back-up cupcakes means he explicitly understood her boundary and put significant effort into breaking it. Beware of anyone that treats you this way.
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There are extraordinary times when pushing past boundaries can serve someone (eg an intervention), and I want a partner who can see and tell me when my boundaries are too tight to serve me.
But that is an exquisitely intricate dance, not something to be toyed with. Someone who slam dances in this arena just for LULZ is probably too entitled or privileged to be in a relationship.
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It shouldn’t lead to a divorce. She should have left the reception and had it annulled.
Who wants that crap bastard on your record.
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The main reason we didn’t have a DJ was our fear of them deciding to “take over” and play what they thought were the surefire winners. We just made a stack of mix CDs and when the music stopped, we had a friend run over and put on another one.
We had a friend who hired a band for his wedding. He called a bunch of them and his filter question was “do you know how to play Bob Seger’s ‘Old Time Rock n’ Roll?’”. If they said “yes” they were off the list. If they said, “no, but I guess we could learn it if you want” they were on the maybe list. The one that responded with “No, I’m sorry but we’re not that kind of band” got hired.
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Forgetting about the consent rules for the moment. NOBODY SHOULD DO THAT. Cakes like that often have dowels and structural elements inside them to keep them supported. You could REALLY hurt someone doing that!
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Once upon a time, when I still read Tarot cards for people, a girl asked me “should I leave my boyfriend, who beats me up?”
“Darling, I don’t need to read the cards to answer that one. Yes. Run. Don’t look back. Do it now.”
She still wanted her cards read and I can’t remember what they said. A few days later she told me that her boyfriend had committed suicide, before she even told him anything about leaving him. I don’t have a moral to this story. 
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This x 10k.
Why should she waste time being married to some one like this? No one can give her those wasted years of her life back. Expensive mistake. Better to correct a bad mistake sooner than later though. It will only be harder later, especially if she wants kids, and the longer they are financially tied. Besides there is literally no reason to have a spouse who humiliated you in public for kicks. Another husband is easier to find than make a sorry life out of one’s prior poor judgement
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This is probably a great question for a first date: “What do you think about the following scenario?” Someone who sticks up for the violence and damage to property over the victim means you excuse yourself immediately and never answer his calls or texts after that.
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I also like the corollary question “do you think it’s possible for two humans to hear the same conversation and come away with different ideas as to what’s happening”.
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