How did this not result in a charge of assault? If I were a guest at that wedding and had seen him holding her face down in a large spongy substance, I would’ve called 911, even if it turned out she was OK with it.
Duration of the tradition? We discussed people’s love of cake smashing (and dismissed it) before our wedding. In 1977. Social media has nothing to do with it (obviously).
I feel so sorry for the poster who talks about “loosening up” at the reception after “walking on eggshells” before that. Wow. The whole notion of glam and uncomfortable clothes and perfect photos at weddings is a very toxic part of the culture. Young women enforce it on each other. If your bride won’t give up those goals, I say dump her (unless you want it, too, and then again you have my pity).
We viewed our wedding as an event where we announce to our community our commitment to each other and our community indicates their support for the marriage. Formalwear not appropriate.
(I was the bride in 1977, and we’re still happily married.)
The hotel I work at hosts 2-3 weddings pretty much every weekend in season- Several of them in the 6-figure territory. I have no words for how much I have learned to hate everything even remotely connected to weddings. Like, holy fuck, I cannot believe the level of insane, toxic entitlement these things bring out in people.
Admittedly, some of it may be related to the demographic that can afford to spend 6 figures on a wedding.
Yeah, she’s dodging a very unhealthy and possibly deadly relationship.
“Please don’t do this during our wedding.”
Does it. In front of numerous witnesses, and having it pre-planned. And holds her in it.
I’m not going to try to psychoanalyze off a Dear Prudence letter, but the best reading of this is still pretty freaking awful. He didn’t even make it a few hours in the marriage before he had to remind himself, her, and all their acquaintances that she would do what he wants no matter her wishes because she was HIS.
That, either malice or some bizarre subconscious passive-aggression. Either way, he’s bad news and deeply flawed. He’s either (in order of increasing likelihood): a sadist, a controller, oblivious, or an obnoxious immature 12 year-old schoolboy with no impulse control.
With the husband, the incident per se is not severe. It’s what it conveys: this guy is telling her, from the outset, he’s going to be disrespectful to her in every and all ways. In fact, I find it hard to believe this was the first and only time he’s been an asshole. If she looks back, I bet she can recognize a pattern of behavior that he’s been an asshole all along and she just didn’t notice it. [I’m not blaming her, but] How the hell did she miss this? How did their relationship progress to marriage?
I don’t really get the people in her life telling her to give him a second chance. I mean, what would a second chance even look like in this case? She would end up spending every single minute with him wondering what he might do next. It is possible that he will learn his lesson and become a better person, but she shouldn’t have to stick around and see how that turns out.
Horrible. They are all essentially gaslighting her. And promoting that “the marriage” is more important, or that his needs are more important, or that her needs are that she needs to be in “a marriage”, or with him because “romance!”, or whatever. All crap. I hope she has the support she needs to follow through with her gut feelings and the specific boundaries she set by Getting The F Out of there.
On a slight tangent (big tangent?) I wish that the protagonists in Urban Fantasy series would do what this woman wants to do and kick boundry pushing “Alpha Males” (aka arseholes) to the curb instead of engaging in a romance with a continuing series of supernatural excuses for why it’s totally ok for the male to be a jerk, because its his nature, his wolfishness or vampirism, an any time he isn’t a complete arse should be praised as virtue, but also that his jealousy, quick temper and tendency for violence is to be respected as admirable aspects of his supernatural character. Eff that.
Divorce him if he has more money than you, try and get an annulment if he doesn’t.
He couldn’t have possibly imagined that she would like this or find it funny in any way but decided to do it.[quote=“johnnyFresh, post:226, topic:212899, full:true”]
Divorce him if he has more money than you, try and get an annulment if he doesn’t.
He couldn’t have possibly imagined that she would like this or find it funny in any way but decided to do it.
@petzl It is indeed a severe incident. This is gender based violence. It is unlikely that the wife would have been able to force the husband’s face into the cake. He is happy to use his strength to control her against her will.
What? Hey guys its ok to relax I just used my higher level of physical strength to force my new wife’s face into a cake against her will and ruined her hair, make up and dress which she put a huge amount of time and effort into!
I just learned from the BBS that cake-shoving is a thing in US weddings.
Which is beyond me.
Why this poor person has to write to a magazine to get advice is also beyond me.
Smearing wedding cake icing on each other has been a thing for many decades. My wife and I did it to one another in 1987, and we didn’t invent it. I do think we both sort of regret it, but it wasn’t a big deal.
Shoving someone’s face in a cake after they explicitly told you not to? That act will haunt the marriage forever. She needs to get an annulment post haste.
We’re taught that an abusive relationship looks a certain way and sometimes it does. That makes it harder to recognize one when it looks differently than expected. Sometimes you can’t see one for what it is until you’re far away from it, say 13 years later, when you’re in a non-abusive relationship and only realize what the other one was in comparison.
The absolute best wedding I’ve ever been to, had a mini-festival in a field. No glam at all. Camping, big marquee with a soundsystem, food, firepits, the works. The reception lasted 48 hours, til we were eventually told to stop because noise. Fabulous it was.
To be clear, I’m referring to the “tradition”, by which couples feed each other and maybe schmear a little bit on each others’ faces. A little boop of frosting maybe. One person forcing the others’ head into a cake is most definitely not the tradition.
And abusive partners rarely start right out with abuse. It’s often slow and careful. Pushing just a bit, moving the relationship further from normal a nudge at a time and covering with extra affection. Unless a person has been taught the more subtle red flags and been engrained with both a healthy sense of boundaries and the confidence to enforce those boundaries, they often won’t see the red flags as the serious warnings they are.
I hope LW gets out. She needs a good lawyer and probably a good therapist. Fuck her relatives for pressuring her to stay.
This is abuse, plain & simple. Grabbing someone else’s head and partially smothering them (in cake or not) is assault.
The bride needs to get away from the new husband, and certainly not go back to the family that thinks she should give the abuser another chance. They love her, and want the best for her, which should NOT be an abusive marriage.
