Your Favorite All-Natural Bullshit


Walking down the street today, I saw the back of a truck advertising their cold-pressed juices. The slogan said “Nature doesn’t heat pasteurize, why would we?” I ha a good chuckle, but couldn’t get a photo before they drove away.

I get it. With proper handling techniques, you can make juice safe without heat-pasteurization, but using “nature doesn’t do it” as a justification for “therefore we don’t need it to be safe” shows a distinct lack of understand of rule one of nature: Nature is trying to kill you. Either that or this juice company is secretly a lobby for big bacteria. Those dirty little bastards will do anything to take down Louis and his good name.

Post your favorite “All-Natural” hogwash!


Right because that has never caused any issues before…


It’s not quite “all-natural”, but I got kicked out of a Jamberry “party” for saying it was silly to claim a nail sticker was “gluten-free”. First of all, it’s not a food so who even evaluated this claim? You can have something like 20ppm of gluten in a food and still be able to call it gluten-free. Second, it implies that those OTHER nail products probably totally contain evil gluten because they didn’t label their product.

If it were a cosmetic you’re going to ingest on the regular, like lipstick, I wouldn’t have an issue with that labeling. But it’s a nail sticker. It’s not going to come into more than incidental contact with your mouth (unless your kid has a nail-biting problem to the point where they’re ingesting entire stickers, and even then I’d be more worried about the fact that they’re PVC.)


Cocaine is all-natural. So is a giant list of excitingly lethal toxins.




Homeopathic Plutonium. I don’t know which part is scarier.


Pretty much my entire family has celiac (father, 3 siblings, husband and stepson) so I’m totally down with the food product labels. Even things that have no reason to have wheat in them … have wheat in them. Frozen french fries. Potato chips (I cannot tell you how many times Mr. Bells has brought home some new flavor of chips only to discover the seasoning uses flour). Soy sauce is the biggest pain in the ass; that stuff is in everything and yep, cheap varieties all have wheat.

But nail stickers? That’s solving a problem that didn’t exist.


Botulinum Toxin! All-Natural! Lo-Fat! Gluten-Free! Celebrities put it in their face! Small-Batch produced by Clostridium Botulinum farmers dancing on the head of a pin!


Here’s a bunch:
Outbreaks of Foodborne Disease Associated with Fruit and Vegetable Juices, 1922–2010 [PDF] (small pdf file)
I count about 14 deaths and a few thousand sick folks.


There was period in the early 00s when KFC jumped on the “carbs are bad” bandwagon, and started advertising their deep fried chicken as “low carb” and “Atkins friendly”.

I remember seeing the TV commercial at the time but the intertoobs is failing me, but here is a group of peeps talking about it in 2003.


Warning, it has also been shown that humans that consume Dihydrogen Monoxide are a 100% more likely to get cancer than those who don’t.



I don’t have any recent ones but when the trans fat thing came onto the scene, I distinctly remember things like potatoes and carrots getting a “trans fat free” sticker.


I’ve seen homeopathic sunscreen in shops in Italy. I don’t know what the SPF was, probably rather small.

(you can make a high-SPF “natural” sunscreen by dissolving zinc oxide in oil and wax - this assumes that zinc oxide qualifies as “natural” - but it isn’t homeopathic.)


I get SO FUCKING ANGRY when I see “homeopathic dewormer” at my local pet shop.


The whole GMO labeling thing has many arguments but the worst is “we have a right to know because it COULD matter”. Well … maybe it COULD matter what day of the week food was packaged on … so since that COULD matter I guess we should start putting that on packages?


Homeopaths are diluted


…I’m gonna need some context for that.


Google search on the pic reveals: <a href=“"target=”_blank">South Park!


A friend once passed me a tube of ointment for my mild sunburn. Put some on, then took a closer look at the tube. Homeopathic. Uh-oh. Do we have anything else? And yet it felt soothing! An even closer look at the tube… ah, ingredients. Probably petroleum jelly and/or camphor. Let’s hear it for “inactive” ingredients.