A Question for the Male Regulars


#1

Continuing the discussion from Things That Really "Grind My Gears…":

Something that really grinds my fuckin’ gears:

When you’re dating a guy and everything seems okay… and he suddenly just stops calling you completely, for no apparent reason.

No arguments, no disagreements, no weird vibes, no prior warning signs; just poof!

Anyone whom I am still on good/decent terms wanna explain that one to me?

Other than the usual & obvious answer that he/they probably met someone else?


#2

I have no good answer here. I’m sorry.
I do know that I have neglected relationships (non-romantic) out of my own self-loathing. I honestly believe that my contacting someone would be an unforgivable intrusive demand on their time.
I don’t understand most men, for what it’s worth.


#3

That makes two of us, then.


#4

Most of the time we don’t understand each other. That said, it sounds like people who don’t call back for no apparent reason from either sex are just being assholes.

I’ve heard some decent excuses, family emergency or whatever, but I realized a while ago that if they don’t want to call me back I’m better off without them and they’ve just saved me some more time. It’s not time wasted in the past, it’s time saved not dealing with them in the future.


#5

Agreed.

Fair points all; but if this is a pattern that keeps happening, then what’s the solution?

Just don’t deal with other people, period?


#6

It’s super easy to do an avoids awkward human interactions.

Wish it was a better reason.


#7

If I had a good answer I’d offer it.

It’s probably no comfort at all but I’ve always thought the book He’s Just Not That Into You should consist of a single sentence: “And that’s his problem.”

As much as I wish I had an answer I wish I, as a male myself, could instead direct this question to the guys who do it.


#8

A guy I knew was notorious for this: dating for awhile, then deciding to move on abruptly, and doing so by immediately pretending the other person no longer exists.

I think the answer is simply that a lot of guys are deeply afraid of possible confrontations and/or unnecessary emotions. Combine that with a fear of commitment, and you’ve got a whole lot of guys who just vanish if things are either going poorly OR if they’re going too well.

It’s the most literal dick move I know of and I’m sorry it keeps happening to you. Guys are jerks sometimes.


#9

Not experienced it myself, but apparently it’s been neologised.


#10

I figured cowardice and a basic lack of spine is probably at the root of it all, but damn…

See, that’s the thing;

Once is mere happenstance, twice is a coincidence, three times is a fuckin’ pattern.

That makes it my problem, not theirs.

Common denominator, and all.

You may have just offered the most useful insight, thus far. Thanks.

Oh, goody; there’s even a nifty name for it. How quaint.


#11

I’ve been away from the dating scene for 18+ years now. There isn’t one clear answer but…

  1. He’s no longer interested and is a bit of a dick on top that that – met someone else, or has some hangups, or figures out they are gay or whatever. And don’t have the decency to call and let you know.

  2. Something legitimately happened – not to scare you, but a friend of mine lost his brother suddenly (this was before cellphones, and from a congenital heart defect) and on his answering machine (back when people had them) were a bunch of increasingly angry messages from a girl he had been seeing. In this category I’d add “mental breakdown” and there’s no ill will at all – I’ve seen it happen.


#12

Wrong, wrong, and wrong. If these three guys are assholes and do it all the time, that is three different common denominators that have nothing to do with the numerator and their actions. I don’t know the ages of the people you’re dealing with, but can I assume that they are 23-28?


#13

i assume you know whether or not he’s been hospitalized/arrested/kidnapped/(other catastrophic event here)?

if they all remain free and mobile and this is the third time this kind of thing has happened does there seem to be any commonality about the dynamic of the relationship immediately prior to the disappearance? is there any possibility that these guys all know each other and are pranking you in some ghastly way? that’s just very odd.


#14

Here is my disclaimer that I don’t consider it something anyone should ever do. That said, there are a lot of emotions (or lack thereof) in play; some may have been faking it and it was no longer simple to keep going, some got scared of the future we get conditioned to always avoid until late in life, some found out they were moving and knew there was an end date already, some regretted it and then couldn’t explain their way back, etc. Sure, a basic foundation of willpower does a lot of good in life. You weigh what you should, have solid finances (best you can manage anyways), do all the proper preventative maintenance on your stuff and self, whatever. Myself, I am far too heavy and have trouble eating properly even if I can curb my spending and try my best talk to women like they are humans.

Im trying not to sound preachy or anything, it’s just that breaking communication is as easy and is as ultimately fulfilling as drowning my problems in beer.


#15

You can assume, but like most assumptions, you’d be wrong.

I don’t date anyone more than 4 years younger than myself, out of sheer prudence, and even that age gap is pushing it; as women do seem to mature more rapidly than men do. (I’m 41.)

The ages, respectively, were 44, 52, and most recently, 45.

The first instance of this ghosting was one that I went against my better judgement and sought out closure via some low level stalking; ie, I took a class at the gym he works at.

The excuse was severe depression/midlife crisis; which given his then recent divorce, was plausible, save for the convenient timing of it all. That was and still is suspect.

The second situation was 6 months ago, and I still have no clue what happened, and I’m not expending any energy to try to find out.

That’s not at all probable, but what a horrible thing to do, even theoretically.

Tell me about it.

I agree that it’s exceedingly easy; but man what a completely gutless thing to do, neverthless.

Have the tiny modicum of integrity to tell someone to ‘fuck off’ to their face.


#16

I got nothing. I’ve been out of the game so long now that if I had to start dating again it would be like asking me to complete a calculus assignment from Freshman year of college.


#17

I hear ya.

I’m just tired of people who act like having basic consideration is somehow ‘asking for too much.’


#18

Nah, you could have just met three dickheads in a row. That’s just random happenstance, and probably statistically quite likely, given the obvious preponderance of dickheads here in The End Times.


#19

That’s very reassuring.

/s


#20

i have been known to ‘disappear’. not from intimate relationships, but go into my own space for a bit. there is always an emergency number, i always make sure people know i am okay, but occasionally my mind burrows into itself.

key facts, emergency number, and i always make sure people know i am okay. and that is from a serial ‘disappear-er’.

what they are doing is at the very least micro-abusive, and likely a heck of a lot stronger than that. it is not too much to ask that when you call, they answer/call back/text back/email/slack/bbs/mail/whatsapp/facebook/instagram/periscope/blog YOU NAME IT!! It is easier today to be in contact than any other time in history. And if they are disappearing, it is their fault.

It isn’t your fault they didn’t get socialized on subjects such as being polite and communicative.