Actual questions from my Green Card questionnaire


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Do you hate freedom?
That happens to be our primary method of detecting terrorists.


Are you, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party?


re #11 – who needs to practice, when you had it mastered by the second spouse?


I wonder if anyone ever says “yes, I am here to commit acts of espionage and sabotage”



It may sound silly, but it becomes a legal document to grab you with.
It gives a solid legal reason for arresting and deporting you. You lied.


Is there a “yes to all of the above” option?


Torture? Is the U.S. opposed to torture now?


“Have you ever committed, ordered, incited, assisted or otherwise participated in torture?”

“Have you ever committed, ordered, incited, assisted or otherwise participated in extrajudicial killings, political killings, or other acts of violence?”

Inconsistent use of Oxford commas aside, I’m glad to know that many CIA operatives and drone pilots won’t be readmitted to the United States since we’re completely consistent in what we expect of green card applicants and what we expect of ourselves…right?


Nuthin’ about rapists. Trump was right!


Do they still have “A ‘yes’ answer may not necessarily prejudice your application” at the end of that list? And they seem to have lost the good old “Did you commit genocide under the aegis of the third reich government of Nazi Germany” one (I guess everyone is assumed to have died of old age).


Define “torture”.


Some of the questions are quite difficult to parse.
It took a few reads to understand what they were getting at.


Something something organ failure… I think the definition involves not being American, John Yoo told me.


Ha, you did not ask me if I was an alien Super-Being with intent to take over the US Government using Hallucinogenic suppositories!!! I am now free to take over.


##Shove it up your ass, alien!



did you say Hallucinogenic suppositories ?


###Shove it up my ass, alien!


First I asked the guy if anyone ever says yes to any of these questions and the guy replied “You would be surprised…”

Then there was the trick question. “Have you ever been questioned by a member of law enforcement?” To which I asked, “isnt the DHS considered a member of law enforcement?” The guy replied, “well, I dont have a gun but yeah I am.” Unfortunately when I pressed him on the matter he just read the question again… Lame.


The limitations of yes / no logic.


found a typo. a “main or a woman”?