Actual questions from my Green Card questionnaire

boing
61

Main, womain and childrain.

11 Likes
62

HOW IS BABBY FORMED? 

4 Likes
63

ALL UR BASE R BAELONG 2 UZ.

You have no chance.

Make your time.

1 Like
64

Shorter version of form:

“Will the Secretary of DHS be publicly embarrassed if you are granted a green card?”

4 Likes
65

“Yes… I mean no! No!! Damn you, anti-terrorist form! You’ve foiled my nefarious plans with your poorly written questions.”

4 Likes
66

I noticed that too. But also the meta issue: we think procreation is sacred, so how dare you do anything to hamper that, but notice there’s no equivalent question about forcing a woman to carry a pregnancy against her will, or refusing sterilization to a man or woman who wants it?

3 Likes
67

Are you a member of or affiliated with the Communist or other totalitarian party?

Totalitarianism is a political system in which the state holds total control over the society and seeks to control all aspects of public and private life wherever possible.

So, affiliation with our totalitarian capitalist government applies, right?

4 Likes
68

Like most everyone else on this thread, I can’t think of anything useful or serious to offer, which seems a shame, because Cory is not even kidding. Instead of sympathy or advice, I am reduced to humor.

You know what would be funny? Mashing up the “Do you feel lucky?” scene from Dirty Harry with each of the Green Card questions:

"I know what you’re thinking: “Has he asked six questions or only five?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kinda lost track myself. But being this is a Green Card questionnaire, the most powerful document in the border control system, and would blow your passport clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Am I a health care worker seeking to perform such work in the United States but have not yet received certification from the Commission on Graduates of Foreign Nursing Schools or from a equivalent approved independent credentialing organization?’ Well, are ya, punk?

6 Likes
69

I knew someone who was denied on the basis of “moral turpitude” and I believe he was quite chuffed by the distinction.

4 Likes
70

In other words, are you threatening to lower the healthcare costs and the associated profits by bringing in the medical knowledge without also bringing in a crushing mountain of school debt?

4 Likes
71

The State Department has a set of guidelines as to what constitutes moral turpitude for immigration purposes. Basically, it requires a conviction of a crime involving moral turpitude.

A conviction for a statutory offense will involve moral turpitude if one or more of the elements of that offense have been determined to involve moral turpitude. The most common elements involving moral turpitude are:
(1) Fraud;
(2) Larceny; and
(3) Intent to harm persons or things.

Rape, embezzlement, murder, extortion and robbery are examples of crimes that involve moral turpitude. Some crimes that do not involve it would be simple assault, libel, drunkenness and desertion from the armed forces.

2 Likes
72

I’ve sung karaoke. I wouldn’t be allowed in.

2 Likes
73

This is the questionnaire version of the $5,000 apple story. You know the one: Boy selling apples on the road for $5,000 each. Person says it’s too high for an apple. Boy responds that he only has to sell one.

I guess the US government is waiting for the one idiot who checks off the YES box on any of these, including the genocide one.

2 Likes
74

A higher degree of turp than would be acceptable to a reasonable person of average morality.

1 Like
75

Re the fourth and fifth questions from the end: “…expropriated in a foreign nation to which a United States national has claim of ownership?” I really hope that the word “property” was omitted after “expropriated”, but I fear the worst.

Seriously, how many years has this wording been on the list without anyone reading it?

1 Like
76

Sometimes it’s easier to depart undesirables for perjury than for the crimes they allegedly lied about. For some reason, John Demjanjuk comes to mind.

1 Like
77

I wouldn’t (and consequently don’t) expect it based on pattern recognition of US hypocrisy, though I would want that consistency from a moral perspective. Which is why I pointed out the hypocrisy with a sarcastic remark.

78

Which is completely intentional - as someone said upthread - that would then be lying on the form and grounds to deport you.

Just something to be kept in the “permanent record” in case it is ever needed

79

What we put up with in natural born citizens (whom we don’t get a choice in accepting as citizens) is not necessarily the bar we want to put in place for foreigners whom we explicitly decide to accept as citizens.

I’m not saying that these questions aren’t over the top but I don’t think it is especially inconsistent to have a higher bar for immigrants than people born here. We already have enough stupid, criminal people. We don’t need to import more.

2 Likes
80

I, for one, am totally against height requirements for immigrants.

Well, you say that, but some people try.

2 Likes