One of my closest friends died unexpectedly only a week ago.
He was loved by and touched the lives of many, many people.
He had no family here. His brother flew in for the week to deal with remains and legal/financial stuff, but I (and my spouse, and a couple other people) will have to take care of the stuff, including thousands of books, photos, and paintings. (He was also a packrat, bordering on hoarder, but not of the piles-of-newspapers type – almost everything he kept had personal significance.)
We visited the apartment yesterday and seeing it all just reamplified the grief. This is going to be so hard, and what’s worse, I feel shitty for being focused on “stuff” while there are people wanting a memorial service and other support from me.
Handling the stuff is supporting people in its own way, at a time when you’re hurting too. I understand the desire to help even more but it’s not fair to ask of yourself. I’m sorry for all of it.
It’s ok to ask those other people to help as they can-if they can’t do the immediate physical stuff they can certainly help plan the service. You might consider, if your friend didn’t leave specific bequests, allowing people to choose a keepsake from his things.
Yeah, that’s the general idea, but right now it feels like organizing that process is going to be depressing and fraught. Many of the large circle of friends are scattered across the country. We don’t have a plan yet – we just haven’t had time. I’m hoping that the sharing process will turn out to be helpful and healing.
I’ve seen it work every single time. People really appreciate having mementos of a loved one, and it helps the organizers because after the keepsakes are gone, it’s more obvious that the rest can be donated or thrown away without concern.
I’m so sorry for your loss, and for the additional unexpected burden you’ve been saddled with. As @chenille said, though, dealing with “stuff” is a way to help, and your late friend might be comforted to know that someone who so obviously cared about him was helping with this aspect. I hope that it helps you, too.
On Tuesday, after a year of appointments and referrals and second opinions, my daughter was diagnosed with a debilitating chronic illness. Treatment options aren’t great.
This morning, in a not at all unrelated incident, she totaled her car. I heard the garage door close, then the unmistakable sound of a car hitting something and the next thing I knew I was 100 yards from the house, standing in the road in my socks and helping her up.
She’s okay - I know it could have been so, so much worse. But the thing is - the last week or so, during the run up to her diagnosis on Tuesday, every time I looked at her I could see her seeing her whole life on fire and I died a little. And then this morning, behind her tears, I could see her seeing those flames and I started to be afraid we might still lose her.
We’re mounting a full court press. We can’t control her illness, but we can damn sure control everything around it. We can control ourselves, how we think and how we feel, what we do. We said we’d help her detour as necessary but that she can’t give up on her plans. We told her that we’d get through it together.
I’m afraid she doesn’t believe us.
It’s been a hard year and a terrible week. None of this is okay. Mrs. F isn’t okay. My kid isn’t okay. I’m not okay.
You should not feel bad at all… That is precisely why I started this thread, for all venting, big and small. We all need to let others know our struggles and sorrows, as well as our joys.
Be well, and know that you can always vent here, if you should need it.
Where’s that heckin’ <embarrassed.gif>when I need it?
I got to a place last summer where “looking for engagement” and ‘looking for a fight” started to seem synonymous. I was doing a lot of angry typing and deleting and ranting sotto voce while next door in the real world my family needed a version of me that wasn’t getting wound up over people being wrong online. I figured it was a good idea to take a voluntary sabbatical before @orenwolf had to offer me one I couldn’t refuse.
But the BBS and its happy mutants are unique in my experience of the internet and when shit started piling up and I started feeling isolated, I came here knowing I could reach out and there would be people on the other side who would reach back. I am truly, profoundly grateful. Thank you.
