Badass Dragons of the Wasteland - Round Four

All hail the Craftsman. The Tool Wielders speak his word and do his deeds on Earth.


Ah. Well, that’s marvellous. All ship-shape and Bristol fashion, eh?

Yay for the Cruftsman. Jolly good. Ahem. Craftsman. Terribly sorry, slip of the old tongue, what? Frightfully silly aristocratic lisp I have. Suspect it’s all the inbreeding, eh?



Who the hell is this guy and why didn’t we think we might have to drive past his evil corporate headquarters?


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Uhhh… Yeah, sure… what ever you say Sir Gon… just stop looking at me like that! I’m serious! I’ve got work to do!

…nervously continues to rebuild a transmission…


Now playing on the E.A.R.A.C.H.E.:

That bastard Fleetwood has forced my hand. I was hoping to avoid this confrontation until after we’d gotten past Hollywood at least, but I didn’t expect you guys to blow up his dog. Fleetwood’s junkyard dogs are his communication pipeline to the branch offices, and I was planning on hacking Fido to keep sending false data to Fleetwood, since he doesn’t get out and about much anymore. So much for that plan. The odds were four-to-one that Fido would deactivate Stretch without blowing both of them up, but it seems we didn’t win that roll of the dice.

We can’t afford to ignore him now. We need to put on a show of force at Fleetwood’s HQ. He’s moved his base of operations from Watts to the old Samson Tire Factory Citadel in what used to be the City of Commerce. It’s a virtually impregnable fortress, and we’ll have to be very careful. He’ll let us in with no trouble at all, but I’m not confident it’ll be all that easy to get out again. The vibe inside his HQ is… well, kinda trippy. There have always been rumors that the Citadel is haunted, dating back to when it was just an imposing-looking tire factory built to resemble an Abyssinian palace, but Fleetwood embraced the legend the moment he moved in. Say what you want about the man, he has a flair for the dramatic.

I expect our “audience” as he’ll call it to take place in his “Main Audience Chamber.” It’s just the factory floor with the machinery ripped out and a dancefloor installed (as well as a fighting ring), so don’t start getting all impressed. He’ll be trying to intimidate and demoralize us through an overwhelming show of force, and we’ll be doing the same. There will be contests of strength, speed, and skill. All so very macho, Junior, you should love it. But there will be more for us to do in order to survive this encounter.

I have jobs for all Classes and specializations. I need Mechanics to hack Stretch’s head without tripping its self-destruct (kind of a miracle Fido didn’t set that one off too). Stretch will know as much about Fleetwood’s operation as Fleetwood does; his decentralized redundant systems are both his strength and his weakness. His paranoia serves us well in this case. These hacking Mechanics can start right away, but there will come a point where they’ll need a particular bit of information. There’s a cipher key they’ll need which is located in a secret place, hidden in a way that you’ll never find it without knowing where to look. It won’t be too far away, but neither will it be right next door, so I’ll need our fastest Scouts to find and retrieve it. Fleetwood wasn’t lying when he said we had guns pointed at us, so we should send Escorts with the Scouts, leave some here with the Ark, and bring some to the Citadel.

Mules, press your tuxes and spritz your toilet water. We’ll need a couple of you at the Citadel.

Mission One: The Citadel

This is a multimedia show of force. Mules will engage in a tractor-pull against the heaviest haulers Fleetwood’s fleet has to offer. Likewise, Escorts will be shooting skeet against high-FP opponents, and Scouts will be running another minefield autocross against Fleetwood’s fleetest drivers. All in good fun, and just as deadly as ever, since Fleetwood puts the “fun” in “funeral.” Fleetwood will speak to each of you, and ask you to tell him what, exactly, you think ol’ Cougar is up to. I hope you will answer in a way that satisfies him, for all our sakes. If all goes well, our Mechanics will send us intel about the weak points in the Citadel, which we will exploit to make our escape, in the likely event that Fleetwood seems reluctant to end the party. Mules: bring a stout tow hook. Walls will probably have to come down.

Mission Two: Hack The Head

This is back at the Ark, and is a twofold mission. Select one of two roles:

2A: As a Mechanic, apply your EN skill to finding out where the cipher key is located. High EN will minimize the number of attempts it takes to extract the location from Stretch’s head. (As usual, failed attempts will hurt.) Transmit that location to the Scouts on Mission Three and wait for a response. When (if) a cipher key is transmitted back, utilize that cipher key to discover where the weak points are in the Citadel. Transmit that information to the Drivers on Mission One.

2B: While the Mechanics are hacking in the Mule Train, the Ark will need to keep moving, even if it comes under attack. Anyone accepting Mission 2B (or taking it by default by not choosing another Mission) will be simultaneously pulling the Ark and defending it from attack. You will be given additional FP and AR for this Mission, but it will be a slugfest. The more people who defend the Ark, the better the chances for survival for those who are there. On no account will anyone be allowed to board Marion; shoot to kill anyone who makes the attempt.

Mission Three: The Cipher Scout

Buff up your SP, MV, FP, and AR and get moving. Raiders will be coming your way: the speedy Montebello Murderers and the heavily-armed Skids, some of them on Fleetwood’s payroll, will be put out that you’ve invaded their turf. While you run & gun against them, you’ll be waiting for a location to be sent you by one or more of the Mechanics. You’ll haul ass to that location and will discover what is hidden there. You will transmit that information back to the Mechanics so that they may decipher it and forward the intel along to the Mission One gang.

Mission Costs:
Gas. Mission One is 20 miles round trip. ½ gallon for Scouts, 1 gallon for Escorts, 2 gallons for Mules and Mechanics. Mission Two (both varieties) uses no gas (SHITGO only). Mission Three is 40 miles round trip. 1 gallon for Scouts, 2 gallons for Escorts, 4 gallons for Mules and Mechanics.

Note: Mission Risks report delayed pending further intel from advance scouts. Watch this space for revision once all reports are in. And yes, I’ll notify you downthread once that happens.

Mission 2B pays 10LP, all others pay 20LP.


Oh, given that this Fleetwood seems to have such a hard-on for you, his dear Sally, I’d planned on different attire.

I came home one day from the Alaska route and found this dress in the closet.

It was the only thing left in the closet.

Mission 1: Citadel. I hope the mechanics have got me healed.

Knife, Clank, here’s those 5LP for the Wholly Hubcap of Donations.


kneels before Clank

Tool Wielder, I have given 5LP to the Wholly HubCap. What further penance do I need to repair Jay Leno’s car so that I may go forth and face our enemy in his lair?

Burton, I can’t have you being the bell of the ball, no man should shoulder that responsibility on his own at the Citadel. Count me in on mission one!


A party sounds like fun! I’d be happy to crash Mission One. I need a few accessories before I’m ready though.

Round 3 2B folks, I’d be happy to buy a .50 cal gun for 8 LP. @davide405 Clank who has that donation hubcap? Here’s 5LP to UAW

I assume our generous Mechanic brothers will keep their word and repair the convoy for free?


Citadel here too please.. Nursemaiding the giant dildo.

Here’s my 5LP to the UAW.

Hoping they can patch me up a bit.

Here’s to putting on a good show!

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~Bill: mood = dutiful~

The Revered Clank is in meditation at the moment, and must not be disturbed… But according to the truth that Reverend Clank has spoken:

The UAW will repair everyone for free because this is our calling is this life. Please donate to our cause…

…Passes the Holy Whole Hubcap to Channing Hunter…


Looks like the party at Fleetwood’s is filling up pretty quickly. I burned all of my formal wear when there was a lot of anti-military sentiment when things first settled down and I’ve always been more of a wallflower myself. As a kid I liked to sit around making up codes on the weekends, so I’m starting my own little party over on Mission 3.

That said, I’d like to reiterate that I could use one of those .50 cals from the last round. And Mechanics, let me know what the deal is regarding fixes, I lost a few points on our last trip out there.


A small tooled-up bunch defending the Ark from attack, eh?

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And (although my maths may fail me), it looks as though our three active members of the UAW can repair 270 HP, while between us (ignoring the absent mechanics) we have 306 HP of damage.

Are those of us with foreign vehicles still limited to 75% repairs?


As far as The UAW knows, for the time being, unfortunately… Yes, 75% is the limit…

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How about those four not in the UAW (as far as I am aware), are they counted in this number? And do Mechanic fixes count against the amount they are allowed to repair?

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These are questions with answers only known to The Craftsman… I will join Reverend Clank in his meditations and attempt to decipher the meaning behind these Visitations that the UAW has recently received… We will all know more once the sun rises tomorrow.

Drives into Stretch’s The UAW’s garage


Hi everyone,

I have some intel about The Citadel. Well, actually I don’t know much, and we really don’t know what Fleetwood has in store for us inside, but I scouted ahead and made this sketch of the front of the building so you have at least a vague idea of where we’re headed.


I have some ideas…


Tentatively signing up for Mission 3.

Should be a hoot. As that requires a lot of firepower, I am upping my bid for .50 cal to 3 LP.

Could someone post the current repair and upgrade costs? thanks.


Haha! Reminds me of something - I’m rather hoping the lead-in time and technical sophistication of that bloody Woodfeet gang are a little along these lines: