Granted.
There is a sudden interest in re-enacting the policies of Pol Pot from all the prospective leaders of both parties.
I wish that the next British Government is formed by the Official Monster Raving Loony Party.
4 Likes
Granted. On further analysis, the laws are exactly the same just more inscrutable. The people have spoken. They want their government to be more zany. All the parties get in on it. It’s amusing when the Tories and the rightish end of Labor get into the act but Labor folks don’t seem to realize it’s supposed to be satirical.
I wish I could get the energy I need to write a novel, finish recording an album, and handle self-promotion for both … without having anxiety attacks. 
2 Likes
Granted. However the energy required to accomplish those tasks without aforementioned anxiety attacks leave little room for quality. Both the novel and the album are widely regarded as “sucky”.
I wish that I have pizza for lunch today.
3 Likes
Granted. Whatever food you have for lunch today is now renamed to “pizza.” Sauce, cheese, and toppings on a flat, round crust is now being renamed to something else.
I wish that white chocolate could no longer be referred to as “chocolate.”
6 Likes
Granted however you become the ire of AllChocolateMatters fringe groups. Also you get butt pimples.
I wish that I was part of a really cool fringe group.
7 Likes
[quote=“SenorSchaffer, post:349, topic:18378”]
Granted. However the energy required to accomplish those tasks without aforementioned anxiety attacks leave little room for quality. Both the novel and the album are widely regarded as “sucky”.[/quote]
At least they’re regarded.
Granted. Now if only you could enjoy your coolness while being chased by governments and conspiracists alike.
I wish I knew if the repair guy was coming soon so I could run or not run the dishwasher with confidence.
7 Likes
Granted. You are turned into a khaki green fringe that is part of a group.
I wish the Coen Brothers would go back to making good movies.
7 Likes
Granted. The repair guy sends you a text letting you know he will arrive in precisely 2 hours. You start the dishwasher with mucho gusto however during the dry cycle you realize that you forgot to insert the dirty dishes into the washer! OH NO!
Granted. The Coen Brothers are killed in a helicopter crash and continue their career in an unearthly plane where you are unable to view the most amazing movies they have ever made.
I wish that somebody would do something about the damn noise coming out of the supply closet at work.
6 Likes
Granted. Someone does something. The noise is now louder and more annoying.
I wish for happy endings for all of the characters who have survived to this point in Game of Thrones.
5 Likes
Granted. They all go to massage parlors that specialize in full release massage. Then G.R.R. Martin kills their characters in the worst possible ways. I mean, it’s effing horrible.
I wish I had more Triscuits at home. Not the flavored ones, mind you. The originals.
6 Likes
You now have more Original Triscuits than before, you now have 1 orginal Triscuit
I wish for the power of teleportation.
3 Likes
Granted. You have the power of teleportation but not the ability to control the direction or range. Attempts to teleport result in your naked body materialising 10km above the earth’s surface or 2km below the surface embedded in solid rock.
I wish to join the 1%
3 Likes
Your wish is granted and you are now part of the 1%…OF POOREST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD!
I wish that I had a better calendar hanging in my office. This one is boring.
4 Likes
Granted, your new calendar is fun. It’s also from 2015 rendering it useless.
I wish i had a new computer.
4 Likes
Granted. Your new job is for life and comes with a brand new PC pre-installed with Red Star OS which you must use to copy edit articles about dear leader from inside your new office cell at the local Gulag
I wish for infinite wisdom.
3 Likes
Granted. If you have enough information to make a decision, you will certainly always make the right one. However, this requires such a large amount of brainpower that you are unable to remember even the beginning of a sentence once the person talking has reached the end. Thus, even though in theory you have infinite wisdom, your poor memory leaves you incapable of taking advantage of it.
I wish for omniscience and omnipotence.
2 Likes
Granted. After a few millennia and with the Earth gone, with nothing left to learn and nothing left worth doing, you think of searching for god but realize you already know where he is and why he left. It sure is lonely out there in space.
I wish every game on steam was free.
2 Likes
Poof! It’s all free but now it’s all the Atari 2600 version of E.T.
I wish for energy independence.
7 Likes
Granted! Your solar-paneled skull is rather dashing, but all those various charging adapter pigtails dangling out of your rectum make you simultaneously the oddest, and most oddly useful, invitee to every party.
I wish I wasn’t quite too old to start again one last time.
4 Likes
N.B.: I also wish I’d been online several hours ago so I could corrupt this one:
Granted. You have the originals, the prototype Triscuits from 1900. You may be surprised to find them just as dry and flavorless now as the last modern batch you ate, but that’s just a tribute to the talented geniuses at Nabisco who pride themselves on precisely matching the subtle flavors of asbestos, horsehair, and dessicated cactus fibre from the 19th century original recipe, “baked by Electricity” like Uncle Henry Persky used to do back in Niagara Falls.
Hope you aren’t already thirsty!
6 Likes
