Granted! But, uh… what on earth happened to your nose?
I wish… oh, g-d, I wish I wasn’t dying in such excruciating pain right now!
3 Likes
Granted. Like an old friend, Death takes you by the hand and leads you away from this earth.
I wish I knew what happened to my nose.
6 Likes
Granted. Now you know, but it’s still too complicated to explain to everyone who asks, so you learn to settle for “bizarre cheese-grating accident” and leave it at that.
I wish I had a warm, fragrant, steaming, fresh bucket of KFC original recipe legs & thighs in front of me right now.
3 Likes
Granted. A ■■■■■ and fragrant extra-large bucket of KFC appears in front of you.
Right in front of you.
Blocking your view of the oncoming truck, which you wold have been able to avoid, had you seen it. As the airbag deploys, catapulting 24 legs and thighs of the Colonel’s finest into your face at appx. Warp Factor 9, the second-last thing that goes through your mind (the approaching 18-wheeler being the last thing and the third-last thing being a chicken leg) is that perhaps while driving wasn’t quite the best time to wish for it.
I wish I could limbo-dance like a pro.
3 Likes
Granted! You are now the best limbo dancer in the world! However, most of the rest of the pros injure themselves trying to compete with you, and limbo goes completely out of style, leaving you with proficiency in a completely useless skill that everyone hates to see you demonstrate.
I wish that my cough would go away.
2 Likes
Granted! Your cough goes away. You pass the medical for Trump’s new wall army with flying colours. Get ready to build that 3,000 miles of 23 foot high concrete.
I wish I was less anxious.
5 Likes
Granted! After seeing Trump invade Canada and impress @nimelennar into service building the wall far from his snowy home, you decide surely the Atlantic will keep you safe. Too bad! You turned your back on the EU, Hello Airstrip One!
I’m empty, and have no wishes.
3 Likes
Your mother’s wishes for you have been granted! You are now important, wealthy, and known the world over. You have just been made POTUS. You’re also an giant orange oompa-loompa.
I wish I’d planned better for the apocalypse.
7 Likes
Granted! Although your plan of illegally voting in the American elections to get Trump and Pence to bring it about was not what I’d do.
I wish I’d taken that left turn at Albuquerque.
5 Likes
You did take that left turn at Albuquerque, but since you were headed West at the time, you still did not make Pismo Beach and all the Clams you could eat. No, you took a left and went South. And by the time you noticed, you were on the wrong side of the wall. Aren’t you the Bad Hombre now?
I wish I’d just provisioned those two VMs on some faster storage. These builds are taking forever.
5 Likes
Granted! Builds that previously took hours now take less than a minute. You barely have time to refresh your coffee before they spin off the server and all affected teams get notifications. “Hey, shouldn’t we test these new builds?” people start saying. “QA are spinning their wheels with nothing to do. Are we wasting cycles?” It’s gradual, but an insidious culture change takes place. Soon the DevOps boys have automated everything and things are going that bit heavier for everyone. “It sure is jumping around here!” enthuses your manager at you next review. “All thanks to a small investment in SSDs, eh? Anyway, the six sigma analysis reveals that the real bottleneck now is in development. I’m gonna need you to fix bugs a lot faster. So if you could just work a lot harder, that’d be great.”
I wish I’d registered business.com or pretty much any dotcom back in 1993/4 when my Dad half-jokingly suggested it…
2 Likes
Poof! You make millions are promptly sued by your father for stealing his idea. Family gatherings are going to be awkward.
I wish I knew where my scissors went.
2 Likes
Granted. Your scissors have now moved to a place where you know exactly where they are. Your next bowel movement is not going to be pleasant.
I wish my cats would stop yowling for no good reason.
2 Likes
They have a good reason now. Zombies!
I wish that my dull headache would go away.
3 Likes
The revolution has come and you weren’t the first against the wall. But you were among the first to the guillotine. That dull headache is no longer a concern.
I wish the margarita glasses in front of me wasn’t empty.
1 Like
Granted. The air rushes in to fill the vacuum previously maintained by whatever forcefield was keeping your glass empty.
I wish I knew what the right next step was.
3 Likes
Granted. You find out what the right next step is just after the horribly wrong step you have taken becomes irreversible.
I wish I knew how to meditate to calm myself down.
4 Likes
Granted. You learn to meditate like a champ and you calm yourself down so well that you pass zero and become negative-calm. No one has ever accomplished this feat before, and soon you’re world-famous for it. You are hounded for interviews and accosted on the street by autograph-seekers. Your life becomes ever more un-calm. I’m terribly sorry to have to have been the one to let you know the future that’s in store for you. We’ll always remember the old pre-calm the_borderer.
I wish to have a modest income and time to ride my bike a lot.
4 Likes
Granted. You lose your job, house, and car all in the space of a week. You now live in an old trailer in a friend’s backyard, and bike to your new job, sweeping the floor of a salon.
I wish my sinuses were not stuffy.
7 Likes
Granted. Inspired by this:
I begin chronicling my new life. My new, incredibly banal life, that I share every aspect of, every day. At first it’s full of enthusiasm, poetry from a newly freed soul. Until I run out of things to say. Slowly it drifts from meditations on being awakened by the soft sounds of nature in the morning to recitations of which customers came in again today, finally down to how I brushed my teeth that day, what paste I used, how the bristles are doing on my brush, how many times I brushed each and every tooth, which tooth gets funny feeling when I push on it. You know, all the stuff you read just the day before, but slightly different.
Every. Damn. Day.
I wish the next person would tell me my wish.
2 Likes
