Granted. You’re now in a coma, you have no reaction to stress.
I wish I could get rid of this dandruff.
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The dandruff went. Then your hair. Now most of your epidermis. Not looking good for you unless you want a job as one of those Skinless Body exhibits.
I wish I had more bourbon within arms reach.
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Wish granted: Now unload that liquor truck before the store opens; and put a few boxes in the trunk of my car.
I wish I knew what book showed the definition of ‘dictionary’.
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Granted. You do.
You must understand, putting new knowledge in, meant taking old memories out. You forget everything else, have fun discovering the world!
I wish politicians the world over accepted global warming is a man made phonomenon.
1 Like
Granted. They now accept global warming as being man-made. But they also agree it’s not a problem and unanimously agree to do nothing about it.
I wish my dog would stop eating his own poop.
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Granted! Your dog now chooses to eat the poop of other dogs each time you take it for a walk.
I wish my laundry would hurry up with the washing.
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It’s all washed. Dryed? No so much. The pile of washed clothes is sitting in a pile mildewing.
I wish dinner was ready.
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Tonight for dinner is tofu hot dogs with KETCHUP!
I wish I were living somewhere warmer.
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You now live on Eta Carinae, where it is about 40,000°C.
I wish I could create duplicates of myself, like Multiple Man.
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Granted. They come into existence with full consciousness, and each of them realizes that the only way to take over your life is to be the last one left alive. They kill you first, fight among themselves until there are only two left, and those last two die with their hands around each other’s throats.
I wish loneliness wasn’t so lonely.
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Hang in there, nimelennar. Things will turn around. I forget where you live but if it’s in Austin (some folks here are) PM me. I’m not a creep and tacos are on me.
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Thanks, but nope, sorry. One time zone east and one national border north.
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Awwww… who can bear to corrupt that wish? Alas, those evil few of us in this thread, well, we knew the job was dangerous when we took it.
Granted! Nowadays, loneliness has a more bearable bittersweet quality to it. Sure, it’d be great to have a companion, but it’s easier to recognize the peace and quiet of solitude, and the centering benefits of introspection. As you rest on a remote tree stump in a shady woodland glade, listening to the murmurs of nature, a fawn approaches to lay its head in your lap. You realize that this moment of perfect oneness with the cosmos could never happen if you weren’t alone. And for now, you are content, the rest of the world can damn well wait for your attention, and you want for nothing at all in the world.
At least until you notice all the fire ants infesting your stump.
I wish I could effortlessly change my name.
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Granted. You effortlessly change your name upon your slightest whim, charming your friends and strangers with delightful fancy. Too bad you never realized you only had a limited number of times to change it. You can contemplate that for the rest of your life, Adolf Hitler Butterpoop. Hope that last joke was woth it.
I wish I wasn’t here.
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Granted. You wasn’t. Then you was. Now you is, and ever shall be.
I wish I weren’t too tired to go sledding.
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Granted. I don’t know why anyone would put tires on a sled to begin with, but you are now a very nice sled without tires.
I wish I could live a day without consequences (like in Groundhog Day), but for only one loop.
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Granted! You shut your eyes for 15 minutes sleep to reinvigorate yourself … and wake the next morning … you’re no longer tired, but the snow is all melted!
I wish I had a purpose in my life
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Granted! Reince Priebus has just hired you to be the Official iPhone-Hider-from-Chief!
I wish I felt like working.
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You feel like working … but you can’t.
The robot AIs have replaced all your possible avenues for employment. Due to an unexpected corollary to the Church-Turing Thesis, machines can now provably program themselves better than any human, and in particular you, could ever hope to. You’re out of work for coding. But the robots take up all other roles in society that you could hope to occupy: The best baristas, musicians, artists, surgeons, politicians, comedians, bankers, plumbers … are all now androids. There’s an AI specifically created to make animations of penises piling up on top of one another in Blender. You lose your home and end up on the street, where you find there are even homeless robots who more efficiently beg for change, forcing you into utter destitution.
I wish I was not responsible for cleaning out under the stairs
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Poof. Neither is anybody else. Locked in a cupboard, because nobody checked on him, Harry Potter dies of starvation in his own filth.
I wish I went to Hogwarts.
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