I suppose this is where we make an obligatory joke about the safety standards in Santa’s training program.
Overpass, my ass. The traditional media just can’t handle Forteana.
Police said the deer left a YouTube video in which he blamed “stuck-up does” for not recognizing his superior attractiveness and intelligence, and expressed a belief that when he could “fly like Rudolph” his social life and mating options would improve.
A search of the deer’s apartment revealed a depleted salt lick and related paraphernalia, along with numerous issues of Buck magazine. Neighbors said he was a loner who “kept to himself,” and saved his shed antlers in an effort to “preserve his animal powers.”
“He was just weird,” stated Fawn Hind, a local doe. “He’d strap his old antlers on his head, and strut around the neighborhood saying “who’s your daddy?” and trying to get other deer to butt heads with him. He looked stupid. We all knew something would happen someday.”
This is clearly a case of video-game induced violence. That deer must have played too much Goat Simulator. If we don’t ban violent video games—particularly this odious Goat Simulator—we’ll just see more and more ruminant-parkour violence in our society.
Interesting that she admits to traveling at 70 mph when the doe fell on her car. There is no road anywhere in northeastern Illinois that I know of with a speed limit greater than 55 mph…certainly not around Arlington Heights.
The Daily Herald said it happened near Hoffman Estates while she was driving on the Jane Addams. Being charitable, she was 10 miles away from where the speed limit goes up from 55 to 65 in Elgin.
But that’s not to say the safe speed of traffic out past Barrington Rd. isn’t 70 (or higher).
The latest reports theorize that the doe leapt off the overpass because it was blind.
How do they know?
No eye deer.
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