I used to have one of these in my wallet all the time.
Then I lost it.
On back of card:
[ ] Daddy is the only dance partner I need.
[ ] Ice-cold baths before Mommy tucks me in? I AM ALL FOR THEM.
âIn Kansas, life begins at conception . . . and again when youâre old enough to move out of state.â â Someone on Twitter.
Pre-marital abstinence turns me on.
That must be terribly frustrating.
I wonder what one does when one gets turned on? Murder a bunch of infidels?
I guess âDate of Silver Dollarâ must be some kind of weird euphemism about staying in mint condition. Frankly I think a 50-Yen coin looks a lot more fun anyway.
As an actual middle aged virgin, nothing would more perfectly encapsulate my failure as a functioning human being than just such a certificate.
Thatâs just going to add fuel to the fire!
Is it wrong that the thing I found most offensive about this is the atrocious kerning?
Once as a teenager we were standing around, waiting for the dealer when some puritans came along, getting âvulnerableâ teenagers to sign up to be âdrug free for lifeâ. They arrived just as the dealer did, who himself signed up, getting a drug-free sheriff badge as a reward. A guy with ounces of weed in his bag was now an honorary drug-free sheriff. We lolâd.
âI donât want to even get close to a V. until marriage.â
Is that what kids are calling it now?
Fun fact: Girls who take these âdaddyâs virginâ pledges have significantly higher rates of unplanned pregnancy.
I would have guessed that anyone who is forced into abstinence-only education is significantly more at risk for STIs and unplanned pregnancy.
If the fundamentalists actually cared about their childrenâs health and safety, theyâd have given up on abstinence-only education decades ago when we worked out the basically incontrovertible stats showing that itâs practically the worst thing you can do to your childâs sexual health.
No, the conservative christians donât care about their childrenâs sexual health at all. What they really care about is âsexual purityâ as if having sex makes people dirty.
Christ, what a bunch of assholes.
Actually, fundamentalist leaders and politicians seem to be perfectly pragmatic about keeping their kids healthy and out of trouble. Absinence-only is for other peoplesâ kids, you see.
Perhaps. But down in the trenches, when I was growing up in a conservative christian family it was stated to me in no uncertain terms that if I had premarital sex with a girl, then I was âcommitting adultery against my future wifeâ.
Also âHaving premarital sex is bad for your eventual marriage because having experience with sex can cause you to be dissatisfied with a sexually inadequate/poorly matched wife.â
In other words, you shouldnât have sex before marriage so that you canât be disappointed (read wonât know what youâre missing out on) if your wife isnât any good at sex.
Iâd say thatâs both a sexually and emotionally stunting philosophy to foist onto an adolescent.
Also, no masturbation. Thatâs committing adultery against your future wife as well.
Also, no porn, because if you know whatâs out there, you can be disappointed when you donât get it in your inevitable marriage which is the only way you can have sex anyway.
Thus sayeth the lord, via the family patriarch, and if you donât like it, then you can get the hell out of the house and fuck satan all day long.
And donât forget those concerned parents who are opposed to giving their pre-teen daughters the HPV vaccine. Itâs tantamount to putting a âwelcomeâ mat in front of the devilâs playground.
I was in high school (no pun intended) when Nancy Reaganâs âD.A.R.E.â program was in full swing. Nobody wanted those damn free shirts except the local pot dealer (another high schooler). He probably had dozens of them as everyone gave theirs to him. How did you know where to buy weed? Go to Taco Bell, ask the kid wearing a DARE shirtâŚ
hmm⌠Tough call. Is Satan a good lay?
