For those who wish to be card-carrying members of the Virgin Pride society


#1

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#2

I used to have one of these in my wallet all the time.

Then I lost it.


#3

On back of card:

[ ] Daddy is the only dance partner I need.
[ ] Ice-cold baths before Mommy tucks me in? I AM ALL FOR THEM.


“In Kansas, life begins at conception . . . and again when you’re old enough to move out of state.” – Someone on Twitter.


#4

Pre-marital abstinence turns me on.

That must be terribly frustrating.


#5

I wonder what one does when one gets turned on? Murder a bunch of infidels?


#6

I guess “Date of Silver Dollar” must be some kind of weird euphemism about staying in mint condition. Frankly I think a 50-Yen coin looks a lot more fun anyway.


#7

As an actual middle aged virgin, nothing would more perfectly encapsulate my failure as a functioning human being than just such a certificate.


#8

That’s just going to add fuel to the fire!


#9

Is it wrong that the thing I found most offensive about this is the atrocious kerning?


#10

Once as a teenager we were standing around, waiting for the dealer when some puritans came along, getting ‘vulnerable’ teenagers to sign up to be “drug free for life”. They arrived just as the dealer did, who himself signed up, getting a drug-free sheriff badge as a reward. A guy with ounces of weed in his bag was now an honorary drug-free sheriff. We lol’d.


#11

I don’t want to even get close to a V. until marriage.”


#12

Is that what kids are calling it now?


#13

Fun fact: Girls who take these “daddy’s virgin” pledges have significantly higher rates of unplanned pregnancy.


#14

I would have guessed that anyone who is forced into abstinence-only education is significantly more at risk for STIs and unplanned pregnancy.

If the fundamentalists actually cared about their children’s health and safety, they’d have given up on abstinence-only education decades ago when we worked out the basically incontrovertible stats showing that it’s practically the worst thing you can do to your child’s sexual health.

No, the conservative christians don’t care about their children’s sexual health at all. What they really care about is “sexual purity” as if having sex makes people dirty.

Christ, what a bunch of assholes.


#15

Actually, fundamentalist leaders and politicians seem to be perfectly pragmatic about keeping their kids healthy and out of trouble. Absinence-only is for other peoples’ kids, you see.


#16

Perhaps. But down in the trenches, when I was growing up in a conservative christian family it was stated to me in no uncertain terms that if I had premarital sex with a girl, then I was “committing adultery against my future wife”.

Also “Having premarital sex is bad for your eventual marriage because having experience with sex can cause you to be dissatisfied with a sexually inadequate/poorly matched wife.”

In other words, you shouldn’t have sex before marriage so that you can’t be disappointed (read won’t know what you’re missing out on) if your wife isn’t any good at sex.

I’d say that’s both a sexually and emotionally stunting philosophy to foist onto an adolescent.

Also, no masturbation. That’s committing adultery against your future wife as well.

Also, no porn, because if you know what’s out there, you can be disappointed when you don’t get it in your inevitable marriage which is the only way you can have sex anyway.

Thus sayeth the lord, via the family patriarch, and if you don’t like it, then you can get the hell out of the house and fuck satan all day long.


#17

And don’t forget those concerned parents who are opposed to giving their pre-teen daughters the HPV vaccine. It’s tantamount to putting a ‘welcome’ mat in front of the devil’s playground.


#18


#19

I was in high school (no pun intended) when Nancy Reagan’s “D.A.R.E.” program was in full swing. Nobody wanted those damn free shirts except the local pot dealer (another high schooler). He probably had dozens of them as everyone gave theirs to him. How did you know where to buy weed? Go to Taco Bell, ask the kid wearing a DARE shirt…


#20

hmm… Tough call. Is Satan a good lay?