I’ve always been disillusioned by monasteries.
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Important hard lessons I had to learn, thanks to my years in psychotherapy. Your statements ring true. My fam has some seriously dysfunctional dynamics as well… a gift that just keeps on giving. It’s intergenerational now. Ye gods.1
From firsthand experience, I agree with what you are saying. It took me years of recoding my brain (with professional help) to get a few things clear. Briefly:
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I am not responsible for managing other people’s emotional states, no matter how unhappy they appear, or how closely related they are to me. I agree (as you said) that, if one is a parent of very young children, this guideline has some exceptions. I’m not saying I don’t try to be compassionate and diplomatic, but other people’s reactions are outta my control.
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I am to listen actively2, to bear witness and answer questions my family members ask me truthfully. I am not here to solve every last problem my family members are having with everything. I am not here now to take on their bad karma, divine perfect sage advice, or Christ-like pick up every dang burden my friends/family are carrying. As my therapist once pointed out, my shoulders aren’t that big.
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Having life throw a bunch of really heavy duty emotional/psychological shit at you will take up a lot of your energy and time. Jettisoning a lot of non-primary responsibilities will reduce the timesuck and energysuck. Delegating wherever possible is a big deal. If someone volunteers to do your laundry/grocery shopping/dishes/take your car/bike/computer to the mechanic because you can’t, say yes and be glad for the help. I even recall @japhroaig even volunteering to help out another poster in this thread some weeks ago. Dang how that wheel of karma turns wicked fast!
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Ask for help. Hopefully there are IRL allies who can step in when and where needed.
Hopefully @japhroaig isn’t doing anything to harm his own mental health, and having Helping Professionals around can help, esp. if they will help continue therapy sessions by phone if in-person sessions aren’t an option, which I oh so very strongly recommend.
Truth. My well was plenty dry when I entered therapy. Sucked dry. And I had my part in letting it get that way. The grizzled wiseman Rick Nielsen of the band Cheap Trick said “surrender, surrender… but don’t give yourself away.”
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(Having living family from the World War II generation who were on different sides still blaming each other at this extremely late stage of the game shows how long-reaching effects from war warp the crap outta family relations decades after the war has nominally ceased. In my fam, grandkids aren’t talking to each other because the grandparents are twitchy and angry; the grandkids barely know each other, sometimes not even with pictures. This is one time I will say Facebook and other social media may not be all bad.)
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Whereabouts are you based? Is there anything I could do to help?
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Hey, @Mindysan33, how’s your stepfather doing? Did the tests come back? I hope he’s doing better.
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No news yet, hopefully, later this week.
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I’ll keep my fingers crossed!
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True dat. And I’m not trying to solve every problem, just the big ones. I have enormous shoulders and it turns out a very deep well. My mission is to slightly increase the happiness and standard of living for my loved ones–not to be a martyr.
I am not my families keeper, but I am absolutely a rock in the storm. And I like that.
(Addendum: I have my two old roommates from South Africa, three roomies in EPA, two close friends at work, and four very dear friends here looking after me. I am not alone, and the reason they are so selfless is entirely because I have been. I’ve paid that shit forward :D)
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Cause you’re awesome (sorry I’m out of likes)!
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Donated.
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I see a pattern here.
(rivers: these are in Namibia)
http://paulbourke.net/fractals/googleearth/
(parts of human lungs)
Good!
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@japhroaig I recommend having something warm and comforting within arms reach 24/7. Whether it’s 90º outside or -20º, having something like a hot toddy, a cup of camomile tea, or a cup of coffee to warm you up… it’s just comforting. I believe the same logic also applies to dogs, whenever you find yourself near a friendly dog I recommend a large dose of cuddling. Basically I guess I’m just trying to say, don’t forget take care of yourself! I’m effectively repeating everyone else’s caring thoughts, aren’t I?
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I spent the first half of the day with a migraine… I never used to get them, but in the past couple of years, I have been. This might have been the worst I’ve had. Stabbing pain above my right eye, sensitivity to light, and feeling like I want to puke.
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FWIW I went through a bad bought of them two years (or so) ago- turns out that among other things, my eyesight had gotten somewhat worse, and all my staring at screens was acting as an eye-strain migraine trigger. Of course, they stuffed my in a MRI machine anyway (which was no fun whatsoever).
Anyway.
Assuming you’ve not had it done in a while (as was my case), getting your eyes checked might be worth your time.
I am not a doctor (etc, etc)
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I have been good about going every year for my eyes for awhile but headaches are one of the big things that tell me time for a stronger prescription.
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I hate allergies and, consequently, breathing through just one nostril.
That is all.
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I hadn’t thought of eye strain! Yeah, it’s probably past time to get my eyes checked out. Last time I went, they gave me bifocals and pretty much every time I’ve gone in the past decade or so since I’ve started needing glasses (I blame grad school), it’s been new prescriptions at least every other year… I’m hoping they’ll settle down once I hit 40 (and have a phd finally).
Plus, I’ve been dealing with allergies giving me bad sinus headaches, so I wonder if that has some connections?
I guess if I start getting them semi-regularly, I’ll talk to my PCP about it.
I had to go into a MRI once for an ear ringing thing (they thought it might be a benign tumor). You’re right that it’s no fun!
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Most certainly.
You have my sincerest sympathies for the migraine; I’ve had exactly 3 in my life and they were so excruciating, it hurt to even breathe.
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This was the worst I’ve had, and so far the only one I had during the day (I woke up with it and the ones I’ve had before are usually in the late evening).
But I’m feeling mostly better now (evidenced that I’m here to complain)!
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I’m glad; migraines suck, and not in the good way.
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