Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina candle explodes in London

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Originally published at: https://boingboing.net/2021/01/25/gwyneth-paltrows-vagina-candle-explodes-in-london.html

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Did the earth move?

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How do he know?

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That’s some serious vaginal inflammation.

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It’s a Charles Dickens scene, an impoverished family, held warm by a single flickering vaginal light.

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Hot flashes?

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I am going to take the high road here, and not make a genitals joke.

But, the description of their fire fighting is remarkably similar to what happened to an old Commodore 64 monitor I had once.

Flames, smoke, burning, had to pick the thing up and throw it out the back door for safety.

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The fact that the reason for their impoverishment is the purchase of $75 candles dilutes the Dickensian pathos somewhat.

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I’m inclined to indicate this is a vaginal candle that apparently makes a GOOP.

How about homemade vaginal candles, not $75, that Tiny Tim has to whittle out of his wax crutches.

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I do not think I’m fully grasping what demographic would be interested in a vagina scented candle… That sounds like the sort of thing I would expect to be sold in seedy bodegas next to magazines and dvds that are covered in brown paper wrappers. Or maybe a Spencers. (see the call-back I made there to the mall thread?)

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Well, for those inclined to partake in the source it references, I know you miss them when they’re unavailable.

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That’s got the making of a good psycho billy tune. Heading out to the shed to shred with my Dear Wife!

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If I ever spend that much on a candle, it will be the one with a diamond inside it.

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Dude, I don’t even pay that much for good fat ounce of sensi weed.

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Me neither, I am just saying if I spent that much on a candle, I want a pretty rock out of it.

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My inner 12 year old immediately recalled a particular limerick.

Nyphomanic Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus…

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“Oh,” I thought, reading the headline, “they mean figuratively. For some reason these dumb candles are really catching on over there. Great, like GOOP needs more money and rubes.”

Every so often, life doesn’t disappoint you.

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Do not want.

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All from the Goop Smells Like Gwyneth Paltrow Collection. Each has the enhanced fragrance of a different Paltrow body part.

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