How and Why God Made Various Animals

Originally published at:



Okay, I officially watch too much Dark Matter2525 on YouTube; I totally heard each angel comment/rebuttal in Jeffery’s voice…



Dear Dog,

I love you.

Best Regards,



Well, I do hope you realize that the elegant painting that opens this post has nothing whatever to do with the creation …

Most english speakers are familiar with noah. Whether they want to be or not. In fact, Kentucky decided to pay a few million dollars to have a replica of a boat that never existed built, instead of hospitals or schools.


Rather more disturbing than the True Origin Stories as recorded by Rudyard Kipling.

Okay. Laughing and crying.

God: I wanna try something…

Angels: Yeah?

God: Make a cat spew noxious liquid out of its butt. (a skunk)

One week later…

God: Wait, we can make it better.

Angels: Yeah?

God: This time, forget the spray. Make it die, and smell absolutely putrid, but only for three days or so, then come back to life. (Opossum)

Angels: WTF, dude?

God: Well if it works, I’ll try it on my kid.


That is some of the funniest stuff I read in a while. Thanks.

God: Ok, let’s see, those mammals have to sleep, right?

Angel: Yup. One of your many rules.

God: Cool. So let’s create a tiny little bug that exists for no other reason but to suck the blood from mammals and lay eggs on them … while the mammals sleep!

Angel: But why? Like to get the mammals to keep their bedding clean?

God: Oh no, these little guys will be around in the bedding basically forever. To make sure, let’s say that they can stay there for more than a year without feeding and then start right back up! There’s no way to get rid of them except to burn the bedding! lol

Angel: The thing I wonder about sometimes is how YOU sleep at night, dude.


God: “I’m just spitballing here…”

Angel: “Go on, shoot! You know we love ya!”

God: “Invisible animals so small that you can suck them up when you breathe”

Angel: “Would they be trainable? Maybe like medically useful?”

God: “Nah! I’ll just make them kill people, and they’ll have no idea what’s happening for thousands of years! Oh myself I am smart.”


Just to be clear (and pedantic, I know), Kentucky didn’t pay for the ark replica. The $18 million the builders got was a capped amount of tax incentives; they will be able to get 25% of the sales tax on admissions refunded back to them, up to $18 million. I only mention this because it’s not like KY was like “gee, which should we build, a tourist trap or a children’s hospital? RELIGIOUS TOURIST TRAP, screw those sick kids.”


God : Okay, I’ve got something.

Angel [pensively] : What have you done this time.

God : I made a fly!

Angel : You made lots of flies. There are literally hundreds of thousands of types of fly.

God : This one has ugly babies!

Angel : Most of your flies have ugly babies.

God : But this one has babies that hide away.

Angel : Well, that’s not so ba…

God [excitedly] : In other bugs!

Angel : sigh


God : I made another fly!

Angel : Please tell me the babies hide.

God : Yup! In people!

Angel : Jesus Christ!

Jesus : Not my fault!


This restores my faith…in people.


Yeah, they still are breaking the law. The government can’t give out tax breaks to for-profit businesses that make people who work there sign faith statements. That’s super illegal. And Kentucky has worked really hard to try and act like it’s not a big deal. To the point where rulings on this have been delayed specifically to make it impossible for certain types of recourse.


Oh, no question there. Ken Ham is a super shady dude who has somehow worked some weird mojo to convince people he’s a one-man church bringing The Lord and tourist cash to rural Kentucky. And having lived there for awhile, I suspect the Kentucky government’s been putting schools at the bottom of the priority list for quite some time.


God : Ready?

Angel : Not really.

God : A new kind of bear!

Angel : Bears. You’re mad at some kids again, aren’t you? You need to stop this.

God [defensively] : Stop what?

Angel : You need to stop overreacting all the time.

God [quickly] : It’s a… umm … it’s a nice bear!

Angel : A nice bear. They’re still pretty big.

God : And they pretty much only mate by accident!

Angel : What?

God : And eat bamboo!

Angel : Why? Bamboo hates being eaten.

God : Too much?

Angel : Now they can barely survive on their own. Good job.

God : And the humans take care of them!

Angel :Why???

God : I’ll make them SUPER cute! Yeah! That’s the ticket!

Jesus : Dad, stop improvising.


[God creating kangaroos]

God: Okay, so take that bunny template and mix it with that Schwarzenegger prototype you were working on. Pecs for days, a man size bunny that will fuck you up.

Angel: Uh, like this? He’s so top heavy it’s tipping.

God: Oh shit, that’s awesome! Ha ha snerk okay um, give it a huge otter tail so it doesn’t fall over.

Angel: Um, sure? Are we done?

God: Hang - hang on, snort put his dick and balls upside down pffft hee hee hee

Angel: Dude

God: Aw c’mon, it’ll be hilarious.


God: You like fish, right?

Angel: Sure, they’re great.

God: Ok, I just made a new one. Check it out, it’s super ugly and has jagged teeth and always looks angry. 3 feet long. Badass, right?

Angel: Sure, I guess. But you’ve made others like that.

God: This one is different. Put it in a lake or pond and it’ll eat all the other fish and amphibians it can. It’ll take over completely, totally destroying the balance of the ecology. So mindlessly destructive it will eat its own babies.

Angel: WTF, man? Although at least it will kill itself off with that behavior. Once it destroys its own habitat, that’s it.

God: Good point. We have to figure out a way around that…

Angel: Not my poin-

God: Ok, we’ll let them stay out of the water for a few days, long enough so they can crawl over land to another lake once they’re finished wrecking the old one. And just in case we can let them eat small animals outside the water, too.

Angel: That’s not how fish work, not at all…


[On wombats]

So we take this rock right, stick legs on it, cover the fucker with fur. Let it, I dunno, dig holes or something. Through other rocks. Yep. Rock, holes, rocks. Easy.

Doo-de-doo-doo,…Right. Job done, I’m off down the pub.


Of course, but why use it to illustrate creation? It’s simply wrong.