How and Why God Made Various Animals


Because it illustrates animals. The point is god creating animals. Not god creating generally.


A combination of Friday Afternoon Engineering and being really, really high.


Look at it this way: it’s illustrating the messed-up animals that were saved. Just think about the creations so messed up that God told Noah to leave them to drown.


God: So I’ll take a pig, stretch out its nose, give it bunny ears and a big floppy tail, and have it eat ants.

Angel: Hilarious!


You guys are KILLING ME! This is some hilarious stuff. Keep going!


ok fine, twitter, you can stay. Facebook? I’m watching you…


[god creating chihuahua, redux]

God: Gonna create a dog-rat hybrid. Fetch me an amygdala.
Angel: Here ya go.
God: Thanks.
Angel: Don’t you need the rest of the brain?
God: Nah, this’ll do.


G: I’m going to fill the world with living things!

A: Sounds great.

G: Only I’m going to make it so that to stay alive they have to eat.

A: Whoa. Eat what?

G: Each other.


Please don’t try and interject logic into a Two Minute Hate


I feel shame as deeply as is warranted by my offense …


God: What was that animal I made that you liked? The one with the shell?

Angel: The tortoise. That was a good one. The shell was like his house!

God: Yeah, that’s the one. I was riffing off the idea and came up with a new concept!

Angel (shaking head): Oh God…

God: Better believe it! Here goes: first I shrunk it down but made the shell bigger.

Angel: That’s actually a good idea.

God: And then I took its eyes and pulled them out onto stalks, and turned the body into one big gooey muscle that trails slime!

Angel: WTF dude

God: Don’t worry, if you don’t want too many of them I made sure that a common element will sizzle them to a crisp if they’re unlucky enough to come across it.

Angel: I don’t even want to unpack that one.


(god creating Archaea)

God: I’m sick of bacteria. (Creates first genus of Archaea; a thousand years pass)
Angel: Yo, check it out, they’re living right on the edge of these hydrothermal vents.
God: Damn me, really? That’s punk as fuck.



G: So we’ve got this place with great beaches and plenty of space…

A: That’ll be the one full of spiders and snakes, right.

G: And the seas are nice and warm to swim in…

A: Where you put the all those sharks and saltwater crocodiles, yes.

G: Got a brilliant idea. It’s a type of jellyfish…

A: angelic facepalm

G: But this time, we’re going to make it invisible.

A: It’s… it’s going to be venomous, isn’t it…

G: Oh yes! But not right away.

A: Not right away?

G: That’s right. Awesome, eh!

A: So it’s invisible and deadly, but you won’t know about it until way after you’ve been stung?

G: I know right! Me, I’m Brilliant!!

A: Seriously. Get help.


What I find baffling about the whole ‘ark experience’ debacle is that Ken Ham thinks that it is a good idea:

Nothing like seeing the full scale model to make even a child go “Two of everything, and adequate food and water, fit in that?”; and nothing like observing the (from the pictures, pretty serious looking) foundation structure to make even the most casual carpenter go “Unless by ‘gopher wood’ you mean ‘unobtanium nanotubes’, there is no way that is suited for seafaring.”

Obviously preaching to the choir is a fairly reliable strategy; but the ark is one of those stories that just gets more troublesome when you go into more detail.


[god creates the honey badger]

God: See that badger?
Angel: Actually, that’s a weas—
God: Make it angry at everything.


Oh come on. That picture at the top is obviously a fake. Everyone knows that in the real images of the ark, you always see giraffes poking their heads through the roof.


… NO WAIT!!! No drinkie yet!

I know! Make it poop cubes! Yup, cubes.

Angel: Seriously? WTF man?

God: Cubes… Now for that pint!


G: Hehe. Hehehehe. Hehehehehehehehe. Hehehehehehehehe. Hehehehehehehehehehehehe.

A: Whatcha making there?

G: Hehehe. Giraffe. Hehehehehe…


You missed the best thing about wombats.

#They have heavily armored butts and poop little cubes!

Eta: damn, @Bobo beat me to it.


A: That, uh ‘guy-raft’ you’re making is pretty tall…

G: I know, amazing isn’t it?

A: yeah… Must have a lot of neck bones.

G: I ran out of those last week. Seven is plenty. Also, I’ve been trying to get rid of 10 feet of extra nerve fiber…

A: Uh, why not a service loop? In case you need to let out some slack?

G: Great idea buddy. See, this is why you have no choice but to serve me.