Of course it’s not your job to fix assholes, nor is it mine. I’m not advocating feeling sorry for anyone, and I have no motivation to fix her. Nothing I do can every force someone to change, I said from the outset individuals have to want to change. Investing in such is definitely a path to frustration. I can lead by example, and express an explicit non-support for loathsome activities by providing my more balanced perspective during an outburst.
Empathizing with individuals, though… I do feel the world needs more empathy. Take systemic racism, as @Alahmnat does later… the challenge being that individuals that were raised in that systemic culture may not even realize the injustice and the imbalances that exist. All they feel is fear at losing the securities that they have, rather than realizing that “when you’re accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression.” And that emotional response drives their actions.
On this topic, I highly recommend people become familiar with Edward’s three phases of allyship: Ally for Self-Interest, Ally for Altruism, and Ally for Social Justice:
We start out recognizing that there’s bad in the world, and we only act to protect those we love. That may, or may not, graduate to wanting to make the world a better place… but the perspective is still “there’s bad in the world,” and that the individual is the “good guy” that’ll make it happen for the oppressed group (the stereotypical ‘Social Justice Warrior’).
True change occurs when we work with those who experience oppression, in collaboration
and partnership to end the system of oppression. When we recognize both the oppressor and the oppressed are shackled to the societal constraints, and both will be liberated once that system ends. They see expression of non-inclusive behavior as opportunities to grow, not as proof the other person is bad or evil.
Ok, so that was a bit of a tangent on the topic of systemic racism. But the principals, that we all have an opportunity to be an agent of change (whether it works or not) is still valid. At the end of the day, I’m accepting of what is: Some people are assholes!
The nuance being I accept their current status without giving up on their core humanity: Being an asshole doesn’t define them. For me, that perspective makes the world a better place (because I’m still surrounded by people trying to do their best on this tiny rock twirling about the sun), and it provides me a template with which I may evoke a positive shift in those around me.
Berating assholes will just further cement their perspectives, and ignoring an asshole is just silent support. I’m not saying I entangle myself with the outcome of how an asshole continues on in their life… but maybe there’s a way to improve the world by engaging in a more constructive fashion. I just offer a more measured response to their outburst that is based in (my) reality.
And, well, most of this was written from the perspective of a relative or coworker that you have to live with, not a one-time confrontation. Finding ways to move forward constructively become more important in those settings.
Like I said, if this mental model isn’t for you, so be it! You certainly got more hearts, so I guess that’s the way the wind blows in these parts. 