Jesus Christ was not polishing a surfboard⌠out of the ocean.
Jesus Christâs unique abilities in regards to water would mean he had no need of a surfboard.
American Christian Taliban.
Jack Chick did it better, as usual.
I shall link to a suitable commentary piece rather than the original.
Luciferâs is the evil path to âfree sexâ? Does that mean people are supposed to be paying for it?
Satan found a way to get into your body through one of itâs holes?
Pure comedy gold.
Thank you for confirming that âpolishing a surfboardâ is an euphemism. I did wonder.
Paster John Hagee is the guy in the video above. Refering to him, Matt Taibbi writes:
âThe whole idea behind Christian Zionism is to align America with the nation of Israel so as to
âhurry God upâ in his efforts to bring about Armageddon. As Hagee tells it, only after Israel is involved in a final showdown involving a satanic army (in most interpretations, a force of
Arabs led by Russians) will Christ reappear. On that happy day, Hagee and his True Believers
will be whisked up to Heaven by God, - while the rest of us nonbelievers are left behind on
Earth to suck eggs and generally suffer various tortures.â
- JESUS MADE ME PUKE AND OTHER TALES FROM THE EVANGELICAL FRONT LINES
By Matt Taibbi
Rolling Stone, May 1, 2008
Itâs not just rock, though. Have you ever listened to Bachâs Partita no. 2 for Violin? The emotion in that piece must surely have been inspired by Satan. Plus I think Bach was German. Enough said. And for pityâs sake, what about women in choirs and as musicians in church orchestras? That canât be right. Not if they are supposedly producing sacred music. Come onâŚ
I did not think it was possible for a right-wing dingus to flare up my panic disorder, but for a split second there, I was ten again. Terrified of being damned, having nightmares of hellfire, because my pastor uncle said my music was demonic, and I believed him.
This is why I donât trust evangelical Christians as a general rule.
If youâre looking for a more âlong-formâ version of this hilarity, try the âHellâs Bellsâ series. Best viewed when in an altered state of mindâŚ
That Chaconne holds (according to this scholarly fellow 1, a plethora of secret ciphers, ranging from quotes out of chorales to numerological calling cards. Thereâs a recording thatâs kind of kaleidoscopically psychedelic (and vice versa) where the Hilliard Ensemble sings the choral setting of each quote as it flashes by in the piece. It may not be convincing, but itâs a lot more entertaining to listen to that than to these sad, hate-filled dickweeds. I always think âoh boy, thisâll be funny,â but itâs just as sad and boring as REEFER MADNESS (except the âplay fasterâ scene, which rules).
Things like this need a guide, like John Bloom, who can put them in context and trim the clip down to the entertaining part and edit out the other nine hours (subjective time).
The âsecond coming of Christâ happened a long time ago. This time she was:
The Rupture already happened. Everything since has been merely â4 teh lulzâ.
One of my personal favorites.
Oh god. I remember Hells Bells back when I attended Jr. High youth group.
I remember thinking it was a stretch, even then. I didnât even grow up in a crazy fundie church either, it was a Presbyterian church.
Bach was so great for his time. Good thing it was then, as now a day itâs not gripping enough for the music industrial to attempt capitalizing on with the modern youth market. But in his day there were most likely Hageeâs lurking in the dark whispering ill sedations against the artist.
One of the college ministries showed it once on campus when I was a freshman. Every single person in attendance was there for the camp factor. There was a raffle for something or other and the first name that the guy running the thing pulled out of the hat was âSatanâ. True storyâŚ
That was the first and last time it was shown there to the best of my knowledge.
I know. You couldnât write this stuff. I couldnât take my eyes off it.
So was Robert Johnson.
