Originally published at: https://boingboing.net/2019/07/25/man-accused-of-murdering-wife.html
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Man accused of murdering wife blames powerful group that infected him with mayonnaise
1] Mayo always has been infected
2] See #1 for more details…
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Now, there’s a sentence I never expected to read…
What the hell,man…
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“a history of mental health and methamphetamine abuse”
A history of mental health? A history of mental health abuse? This is abominably whacked - please fix it so it no longer hurts my brain.
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On the other hand, if I were to try to feed mayonnaise to my wife, SHE would kill ME in my sleep with a brick.
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It’s not one of the best foods…
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A man from Oilfield, California (near Bakersfield) with a history of mental health
A “history of health” doesn’t sound like the negative thing this should be.
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It’s long been rumored that the Illuminati are experimenting with condiments as a mind control medium. Ray Kroc was said to be the head of a Hamburg based working group, the Mayonatti, but no-one was ever able to find any evidence and now he’s taken his secrets to the grave.
My belief, and it’s one that I share with a growing number of others out there in the aether, is that mayonnaise vaccinations are responsible for the huge uptick in Salmonella Derangement Syndrome that we’ve been seeing over the past couple decades. I mean, you never used to hear about mayonnaise psychosis back when kids got their condiments the old fashioned way- slathered on grilled meat.
Be smart people. Don’t let anyone get near your kid with a syringe full of burger sauce.
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What’s with all the mayo hate… I make mayo all the time.
It’s just emulsified vinaigrette,. It’s the same as any creamy dressing.
Hate mayo, love ranch… sucks to be you I guess.
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ISWYDT! 
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Isn’t that the kinky place in Nevada?
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Well, see, he did it for all the right reasons, so he’s got that going for him.
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I myself was often under the influence of Mayonnaise. It was an exquisite relationship, albeit one that required that I slip in and out of it on occasion. Fortunately, it only led to the making of sandwiches (mostly).
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Alert QAnon and InfoWars immediately!
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His attorney is mounting a krafty defense, but it’ll take a real miracle to whip the D.A.'s case.
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The FDA notes that:
Methamphetamine is a sympathomimetic amine with CNS stimulant activity. Peripheral
actions include elevation of systolic and diastolic blood pressures and weak
bronchodilator and respiratory stimulant action.
I suspect that even dangerous quacks and people with an MD from Wikipedia could suggest better choices; but doing meth to help you breathe does have the distinction of being crazy in the “the risk/reward is really poor” figurative sense; unlike most of the rest of his statement; which looks to be going for a literal take on crazy.
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At least you were able to stay clear of the hard stuff. Once aioli gets a grip on you…
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