Merry Christmas, someone stole Jesus's foreskin

[DurhamO]

@Edgar_Carpenter

So there’s still plenty of Jesus foreskin to go around.

Loaves & fishes … foreskin … sounds about right.

[shwonline]

So the theory is that the Catholic Church got their hands on part of a child’s penis? That does seem very on-brand.

[Faffenreffer]

@snigs

Mohels used to keep the foreskins as part of their duties for several years, but after the owner reached Bar Mitzvah age, they were permitted to use them as they saw fit.

Sometimes you just don’t want to know which bits of the sausage went into the sausage, amirite?

[knoxblox]

@thomdunn

Yeah, I realize that there’s lots of weird shit like this in the Bible. But even I completely accept this all as true, it’s still really fucking weird. You’re a ruler, and an angel just shows up and gives you an 800-year-old foreskin ?! WTF?!

Re: Old pedophile priest jokes

“Care for some gum?”

[generic_name]

Your arms ain’t long enough to circumcise the peepee of god.

[angusm]

@simonize

When talking about Christ being offered a vinegar-soaked sponge by a Roman soldier when He asked for water, the church rarely mentions why a soldier would have carried around a vinegar soaked sponge. They used them as ass-wipes.

Mmm, possibly, but there’s another interpretation. Roman soldiers were apparently issued with a rather acidic white wine (usually flavored with bitter herbs) as part of their rations. Among other things, it seems to have functioned as a minor painkiller, a sort of legionary’s aspirin, if you like. How much of it you’d need to drink before you stopped noticing the agony of crucifixion is an open question, but some scholars believe this was actually a well-meant gesture, rather than a mocking one: the ordinary soldiers doing what they could to alleviate slightly the suffering of the poor sod on the cross.

(Breaking the legs of crucified men was another merciful gesture: unable to support themselves, they would die rapidly, instead of lingering in agony for hours or days).

[lizard-of-oz]

@Comment_999

so who had the foresight (not a pun) to have kept the said foreskin in the first place

Simpe: Heavenly foreskin does not rot, therefore it was the one still left after 800 years, so they figured it must be divine.

[beep54orama]

And some wonder why I’m not religeous. I mean, I like a good joke, but I’m not about to believe in it.

[Comment_999]

v funny. yes

[creesto]

Perhaps, but Romans using sponges as toilet paper is well-documented

[Comment_999]

Obvious really

[L0ki]

So of course is Romans using sponges as sponges.

And now the word’ sponge’ is starting to look weird thanks to overuse…

[Papasan]

Jesus wants that back, STAT! He told me that he already has too much skin in the game.

[anon59592690]

Last I heard it had ascended to the heavens and was in fact the ring of Saturn.

Seriously, Google it.

[Papasan]

@anon59592690

Seriously, Google it.

[anon50609448]

@thomdunn

There are probably other theories out there, too, but I’m sticking with that.

One seemingly unrelated theory (I’ll get to that in a moment) is that the dark ages simply never happened. That Pope Sylvester II wanted to be Pope during the monumental year 1000 and so the calendar was fabricated, adding nearly 300 years that just didn’t happen (between around 600 and 900 AD).

@thomdunn

According to “records,” Charlemagne received the foreskin from an angel, and gifted it to Pope Leo II on Jesus’ 800th birthday.

I think this counts as evidence that the year 800 didn’t happen and Charlemagne is a fictional character.

[DukeTrout]

@GulliverFoyle

(not you, the “records”; though it does raise the question of whose foreskin Charlemagne did buy )

Charlemagne: Crap, I forgot to get the pope a gift for Jesus’ 800th birthday and he’s arriving in an hour. Quick, what can we wrap up and give him?
Alcuin of York: I’ve got an old, broken rubber band here we could pass off as a holy relic…

[parainfa]

that nun had visions of it when an angel appeared and placed the foreskin on her tongue, i swear

[RickMycroft]

@thomdunn

and gifted it to Pope Leo II on Jesus’ 800th birthday.

Joke gifts were in that year?

(Always embarrassing when two people give each other Jesus’ foreskin.)

[ficuswhisperer]

@parainfa

that nun had visions of it when an angel appeared and placed the foreskin on her tongue, i swear

Maybe it was just some chewy calamari.