Originally published at: https://boingboing.net/2019/12/16/merry-christmas-someone-stole.html
…
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(not you, the “records”; though it does raise the question of whose foreskin Charlemagne did buy 
)
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Also in the weird relics category is the holy sponge. When talking about Christ being offered a vinegar-soaked sponge by a Roman soldier when He asked for water, the church rarely mentions why a soldier would have carried around a vinegar soaked sponge. They used them as ass-wipes.
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So that soldier was an asshole…
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Yeah, I realize that there’s lots of weird shit like this in the Bible. But even I completely accept this all as true, it’s still really fucking weird. You’re a ruler, and an angel just shows up and gives you an 800-year-old foreskin?! WTF?!
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I would absolutely love if someone got access to it and checked the DNA and discovered it was a piece of goat skin or some other stuff that Charlemagne was conned into buying, Bernard Cornwell style.
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I’m reminded of Tom Robbins’ Another Roadside Attraction. And also of Ghostbusters.
“We should get these two together…”
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Ow! Ow ow ow ow ow!
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My bet is some clever Jew. They had easy access to foreskins and good reason to prank the church.
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Stolen foreskin, you say?
Get Nicholas Cage on the phone. I got the idea for the newest movie sequel/reboot:
“Nicholas Cage in - International Treasure - Hot Tip!”
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This is not a very well researched story. There are at least a dozen “Christ’s foreskin” relics around the world, all of them claimed to be real, with magical stories of their origin. So there’s still plenty of Jesus foreskin to go around.
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a clone army of Foreskin Jesuses (Jesusii?)
It might logically be Jesi. (See the similarity to another well-known group of mystics?)
But my new rule says, when in any doubt about a plural form, the answer is -podes: Jesupodes.
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Saint Peter, perhaps?
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So many questions… so who had the foresight (not a pun) to have kept the said foreskin in the first place? How old would have the Baby Jesus have been when he got the chop? 8 days old or so? Then it might have been buried after the chop, or did someone think it would be worth keeping for some reason?
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I remember a National Lampoon where the foreskin rose with Jesus into heaven
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*Not to be confused with the Nutsack of Rome, which is an entirely different relic.
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Mohels used to keep the foreskins as part of their duties for several years, but after the owner reached Bar Mitzvah age, they were permitted to use them as they saw fit. One mohel brought a few hundred to a leatherworker, and asked him to make something suitable. The leatherworker came back days later, with a small purse. “That’s it? I gave you hundreds!”
“Rub it. It’ll turn into a suitcase”.
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I was expecting the next word to be ‘foreskins’
Mohel’s Used Foreskins - Never Knowingly Undercut.
(Hint: plurals do not take an apostrophe.)
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