So be their friend so they don’t hate you? Don’t ground them so they don’t hate you? I don’t think that works out so well most of the time either. I’m not sure if it makes it better, but if it confirms they are doing something then maybe it’s time to say send them to rehab, extra consoling, Uncle Adam who lives on an island in Alaska…
At any rate, with the crazy drug laws in the US, having drugs in your house, even with out your knowledge and technically belonging to a minor, could open you up to all sort of trouble with an overzealous police force.
I never advocated being their friend, in fact I find it kind of gross that parents will smoke weed with their kids. It crosses a boundary that I am totally not comfortable with. I do feel that being as honest as you can be with your children is a better choice. They have the opportunity to make decisions based on what you say. Even if they choose to ignore it, they know where you stand.
To me, drilling the point that their actions have consequences into their skulls is more important. My youngest doesn’t really grasp this concept yet (more due to her age than anything else), but when I scold her for something and I get the “But nothing happened.” excuse, I at least try to explain to her that it won’t always be that way the next time. I don’t want to scare her into not wanting to do anything. I just want her to understand that the result she expects and what might happen won’t always match up or be for the better. Her actions could effect more than just herself in a negative fashion and she needs to prepare herself to own up to what she did.
I mentioned above, probably not many false positives. If a cop gets a false positive, he can still bust an innocent person and the DA can rack one up for his career. But a false positive between parents and kids is easy to correct, and there’s no incentive. Parents don’t get promotions for sending kids to prison.
Getting kids to trust that their parents really do have their best interests at heart doesn’t have to mean going so far as trying to “be their friend.” I think kid’s do want an authority figure, but not a dictatorial authoritarian one.
I recognize that you would only bring in a drug-sniffing anti-terrorism dog if a kid of yours had already exhibited a lot of extreme behavior, so I extend to you kudos for that.
But nine times out of ten (or whatever), things shouldn’t even get to that point, IF the parental authority has been open, communicative, and loving, instead of authoritative, demanding, unwilling to listen, and thus someone to think of as an adversary. The latter is much more likely to result in bad behavior, which the authoritarian parent keeps blaming the kid instead of herself for, and so a vicious cycle continues.
I think a good parent should ALSO be respectful of a kid’s secrets, which just about all kids want to have – it’s usually part of growing up. And often in order to be a secret, that which a kid hides is something bad or naughty (otherwise, a lot of kids think, why keep it a secret?). If a kid feels that a parent is someone approachable, caring, and willing to listen – but no, not a “friend” – that should result in a kid who wouldn’t reach the point of repeatedly hiding drugs and other such behavior. And if an otherwise good kid has drugs, cigarettes, booze or something else forbidden or just a bad idea, hopefully it’s a casual or even one-time thing that the kid will be smart enough to drop on her own. Lord knows I did some stupid shit as a kid, but I turned out all right, and I credit parents who let me be, unless the danger signs were flashing very bright (and who then TALKED with me about it, instead of freaking out) for a lot of that.
Also I think it is important to stress (much like everything in life) there is no silver bullet. All kids learn differently. For some, a stern talking to, or restricting their access to something they like to do is enough. For others in extreme cases getting whooped is the only thing that breaks through. I lean away from hitting because it teaches fearfulness and mistrust. How can your kid confide in you when they are constantly worried about getting hit?
Many years ago, my roommate and I lost an eighth of weed in our apartment, and concocted an elaborate heist to abscond with a drug-sniffing dog to aid us in our search.
The horror! Can you imagine the extra-super-duper grossness of sharing some wine with your teenager over dinner?
…
Actually, based on this, and your personal, cultural attunement, I guess you may indeed be grossed out by such a scenario.
The cultural shift in attitudes is coming, but I guess it’s going to take a long-ass time to percolate through the generations. And don’t even get me started on coffee!
I’d just say it’s really gross for the kid having to smoke with his dad.
I had friends with birth certificate names like “Moonbeam Layzer” who’s hippie dads insisted on smoking with us in exchange for letting us take over the back yard shed.
That was hands-down the most embarrassing drug use experiences I’ve ever had as a teen, having to smoke with a friend’s hippie dad who didn’t understand that pot today is about 10x stronger than 1967 weed.
I guess it comes down to my experiences. The people I saw in high school who were heavy into drugs were people who were never going to leave their home town and probably wouldn’t aspire to much (some turned it around, others think the “larger world” is a bar in the next town over). I sheepishly bought into the whole D.A.R.E program schlock, so that could be part of it too. I have since changed my stance on drug use as a whole, but I don’t regret my choice to not use drugs during that time. I think it is important for most kids to avoid heavy drug use during brain development. I’m not going to wag my finger at parents who think otherwise, it isn’t my place to judge them.
Oh I can imagine situations where smoking with someone outside of your circle would be weird… but there’s a weird, pervasive 'cool ‘cause it’s illegal’ thing associated with cannabis that’s disrupting the sane appraisal of the drug.
Like I said, cultural attitudes are deeply ingrained. Getting hammered on whiskey would probably be a weird thing to do with your parents as a teenager too, I just mean the equivalent of sharing a glass of wine at dinner… or in the case of cannabis, before dinner, not necessarily being such a culturally loaded scenario.
I can’t tell if you are being sarcastic or not, but I like I said before - It isn’t my place to judge other people on how they want to raise their kids. Don’t know what’s got you all revved up but you might be reading too deeply into what I’m saying.
If you are talking about consuming such large quantities of whatever drug that it causes developmental problems for a growing child, then I agree that would be a bad idea. If we are talking about sharing a very small dose of alcohol or cannabis with your own child in a supervised, responsible setting, like I implied and then reinforced, then I don’t see the problem.
I am pointing out that your initial rejection of the idea as being ‘gross’ was culturally loaded, then you invoked brain damage and now we’re here with you assuming that I’m all revved up, probably as a result of all the drugs you imagine I consumed at a developmentally dangerous age, or something.
