Rich people in Bristol install anti-bird spikes in trees to keep shit off their cars, rendering trees "literally uninhabitable" by local wildlife


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I guess I better stop teasing people for complaining about pets shitting in their gardens.


Throwing handfuls of birdseed on or around rich peoples’ cars is a bit of a tradition.

Or so I’m told.


that’s a really shitty thing to do



After the whole “Rand Paul is a dick neighbor, neighbor punches him” debacle, combined with my observations of Sisyphean work the leaf-blowing crew in Prospect Park, I googled “Are leaf blowers necessary?” and went down a rabbit hole of tool forums, where the answer were, to be fair, all over the map. However, there was a common refrain: “If you think leaf blowers aren’t necessary, you’ve never tried to keep a lawn clear on a X acre property covered in trees. If I didn’t have a leaf blower, I’d have 6 inches of leaves and it would kill my sod!” I couldn’t stop thinking after that, Why the fuck do you expect to have a suburban-looking lawn in the middle of a forest? Pick, motherfuckers, have the cake, or eat it.


They do not deserve wildlife. Hopefully some will get well, creative.



“There is a big problem with bird droppings around here. They can really make a mess of cars, and for some reason the birds do seem to congregate around this area.”

Birds congregating in a tree?! What nonsense is this now?! Surely they’ve got better things to do being fed by poor people in a (soon to be privatized) park!


And when their pretty plants suddenly aren’t working right, swarms of bugs start appearing next summer, etc. it’s their own fucking fault.


How did they get up there and drive nails without breaking all the branches?


They’re pre-fabricated strips of spikes that face upwards.


They paid poor people to do it, and made sure the poor people provided their own ladders and hammers.


I use a very large Rube Goldberg device called “the Noggler” which collects fifty cubic feet of finely shredded leaves at a go. I run it three or four weekends each fall. It keeps the leaves that collect in the bottom of the valley from killing the meadow.

If the meadow died, I’d have a giant mud slick of Japanese stilt grass, porcelainberry, and mile-a-minute vine at first, then it’d convert to Russian olive, poison ivy, Japanese hops, and oriental bittersweet. This would be very harmful to local wildlife, and also to me since it’d cause the stream to break its banks and start meandering.

In order to keep down ticks (historically, we’ve had Lyme and Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever in our area) I need to mow the meadow. I have too many coyote and trespassing pet dogs (or little murder boxes, as I think of them) to keep guinea fowl.

So it’s not a case of me wanting a 1959 suburban golf-course lawn in the woods, it’s a program of damage limitation and progressive habitat restoration. The environment is so thoroughly damaged by humans that working within the limits of what’s possible is very restrictive.

I’m lucky that I have the knowledge and health to do as much as I do. Most people my age can’t rewind electric motors and lift 90 lb. batteries, and I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to do it. The next generation won’t.


Imagine if a strip or two of those spikes were to accidentally fall off and land just in front of some tyres …


Tyres are cheap and easily replaced.

Paint damage costs a relative fortune to repair and takes away use of a vehicle for several days.


If I promise to stay out of their trees, can I still shit on their cars?


Flinging is always an option.




If it were modest income people with older beater cars, would anyone mind? Because for some reason I’m not allowed to shoot the annoying motherfucking asshole pea brained bastard fuckfaces in the middle of the city, and my wife constantly complains about how embarrassing it is to go to work in a car covered in shit, but I consider car washing to be a big waste of water. Open to humane suggestions.


yes they would mind. Suggestion? Lighten up and deal with it.