We had a roommate for a little over a year, he wasn’t too bad (except for the carpet he ruined but at least he paid for the replacement). During that whole time though he was dating the worst girl ever. She was selfish, childish, incredibly narcissistic and a drug addict. She stole our meds so often I had to buy a safe. She cheated on him twice which was funny to think about because she was one of those girls who tries her damnedest to make the loudest possible porn star sounds every time she had sex… like the kind where you’re almost like “honey stop it, no one is going to give you an oscar for this” and apparently it was kind of her gig. She was a former child beauty queen and literally acted like an entitled 7 year old at all times. This was particularly weird with the sex thing because… just think about it. She’d use this high little baby voice whenever she could basically so over the top that you really start to wonder what the fuck kind of human is even buried under all that pretense. Wherever she went a horrible mess followed, because it might hurt her nails to pick up after herself (no I’m not even kidding). Everything this girl touched was a disaster, she blew through 15k her parents gave her like it was nothing, and at the end of all of her chaos she was always the victim. Roommate had the gall to ask if she could also live with us at one point because her parents wanted her out of the house… I said no. They got a place together and she cheated again so they were broken up within a month or two. Jeeesus… never again. So maybe she wasn’t the absolute worst but she was bad enough. At one point I remember just holding eye contact with her while carving up a brisket to store… just wanted to send a message.At some point I was told she found me creepy and unsympathetic to her problems. I never felt so on point.
Heh. Talking of chainmail: I had some reptiles requiring live crickets as food. For some reason or another, one eloped and uses the heating pipes to relocate underneath the bed of a flatmate. He nearly went crazy when the beast continued harping on him.
He was into medieval stuff, building chainmail and so on. After weeks of futile attempts by all flatmates, including myself, he managed to get the critter.
I came back from a party, 3 AM as far as I recall, and he was sitting in the comfy chair in the kitchen, his broadsword on his lap, a bottle of Laphroaig in front of him, with one of the broadest smiles I can remember. He simply announced that he had slain the perpetrator.
And he didn’t even damage the heating pipes.
As long as he used the sword he can accurately and truthfully state that he had in fact slain something. A+
The idiot! You clean chainmail in a cement mixer.
Still better than flushing them, though.
He did. Poked around the heating pipes in the wall. To the best of my knowledge, both the poking as his triumphant cry rang through the whole four-storey house, causing quite some disturbance with the neighbors.
That is a wonderful idea, especially as I don’t own a cement mixer.
Sounds like you need one, just in case.
Of all the record-breaking lengthy posts we have here on BoingBoing, I was really hoping this would be one of them.
Did they have a covered trashcan in the bathroom with a liner? Because no one wan’t to see all that.
The Gift of Fear warns the reader of the “unsolicited promise”:
The Unsolicited Promise. A promise to do (or not do) something when no such promise is asked for; this usually means that such a promise will be broken. For example: an unsolicited, “I promise I’ll leave you alone after this,” usually means the chosen victim will not be left alone. Similarly, an unsolicited “I promise I won’t hurt you” usually means the person intends to hurt their chosen victim.
“I’ll be fine, the robbery is what’s important now”
Had an annoying guest once who did annoying things.
It was annoying,
What?! He’d given the bedbugs crabs?!! 
My wife asks the same question. And yet, if no one did it, there wouldn’t be signs about it in many (unisex or, I assume, women’s) restrooms.
‘Car fire’, huh. Sure he wasn’t some shadow-world enforcer fighting to keep the muggle world safe from dragon attack?
Ditto. Some unspecified ‘reptile’, huh? We’re supposed to fall for that shabby a cover story?
