Siemens rebranding train wreck is the best cringe humor of 2016

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They went for the cheapest marketers they could find and got what they paid for.
For fucks sake last time I had an MRI I was in a fuckton of pain from a kidney stone. Happy logos and such were the last thing I cared about, mostly I was wanting to throttle the tech every time he told to stop breathing.

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We are, we are, we are, we are, we are the Healthineers
We can, we can, we can, we can, demolish forty beers

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Much better theme song!

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…the new name sounds like it was developed after 40 bottles of Kitzmann*…

* brewery in Erlangen** with very fine products
** HQ of Siemens UB Med Siemens Medical Solutions Siemens Sector Healthcare Siemens Healthcare Siemens Healthineers

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I’ve been through some pretty crappy rebranding exercises and horrible corporate songs, but that takes the cake. I thought the mid 2000’s Symantec rap song was bad, but somehow someone did worse.

One time at Symantec they did it right. They brought out Buzz Aldrin. Now that was inspiring. (And probably loads cheaper)

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What’s remarkable about this is that it’s even worse than Philips’ “dances with bedsheets” ad campaign (at least they didn’t rename the company) from around 2002. Although in Philips’ case they put those high-concept ads (that didn’t give a single clue to what we were supposed to conclude from them) in electronics-industry trade journals, where the readers are more interested in sexy features and eye-catching specifications than full-page full-color images if people in body suits and linens.

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“Siemens Healthineers, we put the Siemen in your eer”

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Look, “The Three Marketeers” may be a small agency but at least they are willing to fight for their ideals.

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Siemens: Stuxnet was totally a once off; everything is fine!

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Well, nothing says barium enema before a CT scan like a bunch of people in Zentai suits playing air guitar.

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Sounds like aural sex.

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They’ve got a lust for healthcare.

The key response, though, is Reuters columnist Olaf Storbeck, who defends the rebranding like so:
Users of Siemens’ brain-scanners and plasma protein analysers will care little about the brand name. They will mostly remain unmoved by the sight of people dancing in orange and blue bodysuits at the brand’s official launch. They are unlikely to hum along to the Healthineers theme song as they slide patients in and out of Siemens’ MRI machines. Staff will notice, but beyond being a bit embarrassed, they are unlikely to leave in droves.

They may care if they know that the company making critical healthcare technology has had its employee morale crater out.

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Hint:

  • Your company spends a fortune on rebranding with a big media relations firm. They come up with a dumb slogan, produce a cheesy video, and have an intern spend a morning creating a few ads.

  • This gives the big media relations firm a lot of money to spend on the candidate X’s next political campaign. Candidate X doesn’t have to declare all the money that was REALLY spent on his campaign.

  • Once elected, candidate X is favorable towards your company.

C’mon. This is nothing new.

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Healthineers

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Exactly why would employees revolt? I mean, yes, it is revolting, but we all know this stupid bullshit is the bread and butter of ALL the big suits in ALL the big companies.

Your chances to actually eat and pay your rent are nil if you dont develop the thick skin necessary to survive this idiocy day after day saying “I HATE THIS FUCKING JOB BUT I NEED THE MONEY”.

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I’d missed the Symantec rap. Wow.

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Oh lordy. This means that soon, Spaceship Earth at Epcot will be emblazoned with the words SIEMENS HEALTHINEERS outside.

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