The Emergency Sasquatch Ordinance and Other Real Laws That Human Beings Have Actually Dreamed Up, Enacted, and Sometimes Even Enforced


#1

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#2

These are a lot more fun and amusing than the various Cold War era post-apocalypse contingency plans I've read. wink


#3

Laminating is probably not necessary. Since I seem to have acquired old man's plumbing at a relatively early age, I now have a small library in my bathroom where I get a fair amount of reading done. And since my shower was remodeled to something like European (movable faucet) I can sit and read in the shower. Almost makes up for no tub.


#4
  • Tex. penal code ยง 43.23(g) which exempts Texas lawmakers from the state's five-device-limit on sex-toys

I presume that the fact that Texas bothered to enact a law setting a limit on the number of sex toys one might own is also in there. Hurrah for the home of the brave and the land of the free.


#5

How to deal with a Samsquanch.

/Erm, some NSFW language.


#6

It all goes back to the Battle of The Alamo, when Santa Anna defeated the Texian defenders through the cunning use of dolphin-shaped silicone vibrators and novelty latex fetish wear.

The Texians' resultant immense and impotent fury, vaguely focused towards Brown People in general (and legitimate regional sovereigns and governments in particular) has lingered ever since.

To this day, Texans instinctively burst into patriotic song and/or hives when within 300 feet of a dedicated sexual aide, or 50 feet of common household objects that have been improvised into such a role, and have been known to spontaneously combust upon contact with anal beads.

However, in 1973 during a freak pudding accident at the Capitol Building, it was inadvertantly discovered that Texan Lawmakers possessed a strange supernatural protection from the ill effects of these objects. Believed to be a divine gift from their LORD and savior, Ross Perot, this newfound immunity allowed them to personally begin the process of reverse engineering the foul weapons of their most hated enemy in the hopes of one day turning them against their creators.

Yet despite their best efforts in the intervening decades, progress has been slow. Without a viable countermeasure to the so-called "Sexican" menace, in recent years Texans have been forced to wall off their border and station armed patrols in a hopeless attempt to stem the tide of coital fluid long enough to complete a working prototype. But with the combined forces of Obamacare and The Homosexual Agenda harassing them on their northern front as well, they may already be too late...

smile


#7

I'd love to read the transcript of the arguments put forth to explain why Texas lawmakers needed to be allowed to own more than 5 sex toys.


#8

In other news, I think one of the examples is actually quite practical:

Ark. HR Con Res 1016, which sets out the official possessive form of Arkansas (it's "Arkansas's")

That is really useful. Now we know.


#9

I'm guessing it was so they could have a reference collection of ambiguous-usage objects that fell afoul of the law.

Or it was a hostile amendment intended to communicate that the legislature could go fuck themselves.


#10

At least some of those laws sound like pretty reasonable attempts to deal with specific problems, except now the law is on the books while the context that made it reasonable has gone away.

The law about secret passages from billiard rooms certainly has a very prohibition era feel to it


#11

If you have signs in your secret passage leading to a billiard room with arrows pointing billiardward saying "this way only", I wonder if you could skate by.


#12

I assume Arizona SB 1062 is covered.


#13

Nothing is ever enough for those assholes.


#14

My grandfather came here during the Chinese Exclusion Act. Not only was interracial marriage technically illegal, but my grandmother could have lost her citizenship for marrying a Chinese immigrant.

Take that, Glenn Beck!


#15

HR Con Res 12, which sets out Oregon's official state microbe (brewer's yeast!)

I don't get why having a state microbe is any more silly than having a state bird or animal, which nobody thinks twice about.


#16

Sure, but how 'bout a state sex toy?


#17

Research of course.
Can you imagine the sort of laws one would get if you had uninformed lawmakers who were unable to fully explore and research issues?


#18

rimshot


#19

Some would be easy to determine; after all, Nebraska is the cornhusker state.


#20
There was pressure from mining/forestry/etc industry at the time to get Finns classified as asian so that they could be denied citizenship/etc (because the Finns were usually at the forefront of labor organization efforts).
After the 1907 strike, they tried to make the Finns be seen as Asians. There was an Asian exclusion act, and if the Finns could be seen as Asians, they could get them kicked out of the country.
In 1908, Federal authorities tried to use the act to deny citizenship to 16 Finnish men. A Duluth judge ruled in favor of the Finns; in keeping with the racist tenor of the times, he wrote that Finns had white skins and thus could not be denied citizenship. But the case's echoes lingered for years.