This sounds like a humble brag…
I honestly think this is an area where some women could benefit from having an actual conversation with a man, instead of just making assumptions (and to be fair to the op-ed here, she does say that.) Reading comment threads about sex on various websites is goddamned depressing, because it’s clear that people still assume that an erection is more or less guaranteed, that an erection means he wants it, and that in a sexual encounter, a man is guaranteed one orgasm unless something happens to interrupt him before he ejaculates.
No. No, no no. No. No, no no no, this is as wrong as giving your boyfriend a surprise finger in the butthole while you bite his dick (I’m pretty sure 4channers write for Cosmopolitan.) Look. I can admit it; there are times I’ve had sex when I haven’t been into it. I work to get it up, I think happy thoughts, and because my partner wants to do the nasty, I get it up and think of England…and then try to sell the notion that I enjoyed it, even though I have, at times, had an ejaculation that was nearly the opposite of satisfying.
Because seriously, if your nethers look like a jungle and smell funny, there’s only so much I’m going to do down there, m’kay? If you’re wanting foreplay and you want me to get you worked up, that’s fine, but don’t lay there like a cadaver. Seriously, there’s nothing sexy about a woman laying there like she’s a sex toy, imho.
Now here’s where I get to the really important part: remember that weird myth that we’re just always ready to go? Yeah, there are a lot of women out there who get offended way before he says that, and are offended that he can’t get or maintain an erection. So he gets embarrassed, and blurts out something that’s come from a place of embarrassment and wasn’t at all meant to offend. And that’s where the conversation should start, with you coming up with a polite way to ask, “Dude, what the fuck?!”
And maybe we could have a conversation about how weird it is that a man should have to go to the doctor if he’s having trouble getting it up? Maybe it really is you.
This reminds me of the op-eds I used to skim through as a teen. They made me absolutely terrified of sex, because I felt like her being happy was an important component. Make sure to start with foreplay, give her plenty of foreplay, not too much foreplay or she’ll be out of the mood, make sure to concentrate on her the entire time, make sure you’re doing anything she tells you to but don’t be too submissive or it could be a turnoff, and oh, by the way, if she’s acting like she’s enjoying it, she’s probably faking.
Absolutely. Terrified.
Thank God that mostly turned out to be bullshit and that, surprise, many, many women like to have sex, too!
And the faking thing, the thing of being terrified to tell the man anything. Look, I can get banned for saying what I want to say, so I’ll say it this way: I know some women have been in abusive situations, and I feel bad for them in those situations. But if he’s shown no signs so far that he’s going to beat the crap out of you and you’ve trusted him to stick body parts inside your body parts, you might be able to trust him to have a frank conversation about what’s going on. I just…I’m sorry, I was raised to believe that women weren’t delicate flowers, I honestly made it to adulthood thinking that women were people, too, and because of this I thought that women could actually engage in conversation without clamming up when something offended them…weird, right?
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Continuing from page 68,
Begin by retrieving thy finest vase, one of Florentinian or Paresian make preferr’d. Next, place thy vase upon thy harsphicord, muselar, or what-ever type of organ thoust hast for chamber music. Thirdly, procure from the florist some fresh tulips, preferably of Dutch extraction. Lastly, place the flowers in the vase, and your intentions will have been well communicated.
Interestingly, this flower-based method of communication was also used by Robert Woodward to signal his informant…whatshisname?
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I bring nothing constructive except for bad one liners. What you shouldn’t yell when you are getting intimate?
#Zeke, RUN FOR IT!!!
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The first thing I thought when I first read the thread title a few hours ago was that the only thing you should NEVER say in bed is to go:
“Carrie, errh, I mean Jen.”
[insert your own correct name and fuckup]
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“I put on my robe and wizards hat…”
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That’s what she said.
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I’ll make my to the florist forthwith.
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The book of Moore men?
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Here is several things not to say in bed… People want romance, not historical accuracy.
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other things -
that never happened. OK?
oh no, little Hitler is dead!
I don’t understand, I just got pumped full of ejaculate less than an hour ago. / is it bad if I really want to have erectile dysfunction just so I can have a reason to say some of these? I guess it’s bad. I’m a bad person.
I only have this erectile dysfunction because I like saying stupid things to annoy you.
look at how it flops around like that - pretty neat huh?
noooooo, it’s not happening again!
If you’re a heterosexual man, and your main tool for making love with a woman is your erect penis, then you’re doing it wrong. It’s certainly “part of this nutritious breakfast”, but no one I’ve ever fucked would have let a limp willie be a dealkiller. What is this, Cosmo?
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SICK PERSON.
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What? The penis not mightier than the sword?
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“Leeeeeeeeroy Jeeeeenkins!!!”
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Didn’t we just have a whole conversation about women faking it and how men felt about that? (short version: they didn’t like it)
But women aren’t allowed to have feelings about this?
I think I see a pattern here…
What do you think @milliefink LOL
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One thing a woman should never say…
My wife and I in bed,relaxed after a long day. I kiss her on the neck and she smiles. I go for another kiss, and she sweetly says to me “Honey, I think I’m constipated.”
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So, are you into furry-full size unbirthing-vore?
I’ll get me wizard cloak and hat.
with fully acknowledged respect to @japhroaig
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“No, don’t stop, I like it!”
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