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Oh, I have every confidence heâll be back in short order once his new partner inevitably wises up.
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@knoxblox & @Kii, thanks for the links. As a soon-to-be father, this looks useful. Just gave this a read, may need to look into it more: The Conscious Discipline Method Helps Parents Think More, Punish Less
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Iâm wishing for him to be successful. Part of the problem with those groups is the sense of hopelessness they create and reinforce. Maybe seeing someone breaking that cycle might encourage others to do the same. For many, that could be the real source of their anger and fear, because misery loves company.
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Good point.
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Ever since I was a little kid, I idolized Mister Spock. Cause when I was really young, I was short tempered and that got me into fights. And so there was something appealing about being so, well, logical and stoic. But at the same time, I also rejected the old idea of masculinity. I didnât want to be the strongest, or the best, or compete. I wanted to experience.
I guess the title just kind of triggered me, because I do have emotions, I still openly cry when I hear Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush sing âDonât Give Upâ, and I do weep, or feel joy, but never when people expect it. More often than not, I sit there wondering where my emotions are: why I am not sad or glad or whatever when I should be. And I have been yelled at for being so emotionless.
And I wonder if other little boys made the same choice as I did⌠but then I realize they wanted to be more Clint Eastwood than Leonard Nimoy, more Arnold Schwarzenegger than Alan Alda.
So, er, if I am toxic, please, let me know. Because I am deluding myself otherwise.
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I set up the topic, and did so with that emphasis on emotions, and on the seeming lack thereof in so many men, especially those who follow a normal, or mainstream, or typical, or typically expected, script for how to be a proper boy, and man.
Suppression of emotion (other than anger) is a common, even central expectation, but as you note, certainly not the only one. Iâm not sure now why I emphasized it so much in the intial post. And following a toxic social scriptâs dictates for emotional display certainly isnt the only reason anyone might repress their emotions, or feel (or not) them in certain ways.
No need to worry from what Iâve seen of your posts here (and others are of course welcome to chime in), and yes, if you do anything âtoxic,â other BBS folk will very likely let you know!
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You know what Iâve seen make the biggest difference between a man who is toxic and one that isnât? Whether the man in question is in touch with himself and who he really is, is aware that masculinity can be toxic, and has empathy for others. It is when a man doesnât question, doesnât explore who he is, just goes along with what society expects of him, and engages others selfishly that problems arise.
It sounds like you are aware, consciously looking at your own actions, and exploring who you are. Of course you might have problematic reactions or beliefs. But we all do. Whether itâs internalized misogyny for us women or the host of ingrained biases every one has from our upbringing. The most important thing is to always be looking and, when we find ourselves acting or thinking in a way we donât like or might be problematic, track down the whys and howâs of that behavior and seek to change it. Being honest about oneself, including the parts that might be ugly, is the only way to improve.
First, anyone who yells at you for what you feel or donât feel is an ass. We feel what we feel. As a man, youâve been told your entire life to not feel a whole spectrum of emotions. Thatâs going to take time to undo. Plus, sometimes people just react differently. I donât grieve death the way a lot people do. I was accused, as a child, of not caring our dog died because my grief didnât look like the accusers. But it was still there.
Keep thinking, keep feeling, keep exploring who you are.
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Not sure this is the best place for this video⌠I think Iâll put it in the BLM thread, too, thoughâŚ
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Tucker Swanson is the product of almost 200 years of trying to âregain our masculinityâ.
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Jessie Gender just released a 2-part video essay on masculinity - which Iâm watching now:
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Mystic Knights of TĂr na nĂg action figures?
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You mean at the beginning of the first video? I think that was Harry PotterâŚ
But now I wish this was real! Action figures based on various mythologies!
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Oh! I was half listening and missed that⌠I kind of want them now!
Wow! Just⌠Wow!
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And, I havenât watched the videos @Mindysan33 posted yet, but for people like Tucker (and so many of us, tbh) I have a hard time sometimes separating out the âprivilegeâ part of the equation.
I donât think it needs its own thread, and donât want to derail this one, but thereâs this whole subset of toxicity that overlaps the âmasculinityâ tag, but could as easily be labeled âwhite privilegeâ or âclassâ toxicity.
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Cross-posting, because Beau describes the attitude of the men who want this:
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And here we are, part two:
As always, the detail is in the audio podcast. The transcript tries, but itâs usually lacking a little.
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