Texting in Italian when your phone autocorrects to English:
Come stain
Come stain
Dammit
COME STAIN
duck this shot
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Going to a store with your wife, and as you wander the aisles talking to her you realise that you started following another woman with the same hair and handbag.
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Related to that – casually mentioning something you do that you feel is obviously normal and everyone does, only to be greeted with the kind of blank-yet-horrified stare that makes you realize, “Nope, that’s not normal at all, apparently…”
Amy Shumer had a pretty funny sketch where she uses the phrase, “Excuses are like buttholes… everyone has three.” Blank stares all round. “Umm… Don’t you guys have three buttholes…?”
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My wife used to work at Fred Meyer in the 1980s and 90s, and she knew most of the cashiers and people in other departments. After we got married, it was normal for people I didn’t know to know me, and chat me up, even at different stores.
There was one worker who asked me for years and years how things were with us, how’s the fam, everyone okay, did we do anything for the holidays, how’s the mother-in-law, and so on. I just assumed she knew Mrs. Mongrove and therefore knew me. Turns out… nope! She thought I was someone else entirely, which we both discovered by accident when she asked a really specific question about a really specific family member (which doesn’t exist for us), followed by me saying, “Umm… that’s not us.” And her saying, “Aren’t you married to [someone else]?” Our years-long relationship of asking about the family and sharing funny anecdotes and updates was entirely misplaced. So that was awkward when it happened.
We’re still friendly and say hi, though.
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I had a friend who had lived in Amsterdam and had many, sometimes horrendous, stories.
One evening while introducing my then-girlfriend to him the talk got around to foreign travel and I asked him what was the name of that bar near the church that had glory holes or something?
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, that’s disgusting!”
Bastard kept a straight face on that one all night.
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That’s the scene where the rapist doesn’t even take off his plate armor. I didn’t think I could hate that scene anymore than I did, so… thanks?
Someone talks and you answer because there’s nobody else around, then you realise that they’re talking in their Bluetooth headset. Happens more often now that the headsets have turned into tiny almost invisible earbuds.
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My first wife and I were getting to be good couple friends with another couple. I forget the context but we were at their house visiting with the wife. He was an hour+ late getting home from work. She had been getting worried something had happened to him since the restaurant he worked at wasn’t that far away by bike.
At some point she called his work to find he had left when his shift ended. When he walked in the door he said he had to work late. She said she called his work and knew he had left a long time ago. He looked at us and his face turned firetruck red. He said he had to take a shower. As he turned away from us all it was obvious that his long fine beautiful hair had been attacked by a pillow on the ride home.
His wife launched out of her chair and chased him to some distant part of the house while screaming “WAS IT HER!”.
We politely told the wife’s mother (who lived there also) that we should go.
We were worried about them and didn’t mention the incident to anyone. A couple, days later we started to hear from common friends that they were saying, that we were spreading false rumors about the husband having an affair. The extra sad part was that the way they told the story made it obvious to everyone that the husband was definitely screwing around. Rather than talk with us and trust we would respect their privacy they decided a sitcom level offense was the best option. 
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How do you once lose your license multiple times?
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