Originally published at: http://boingboing.net/2017/04/24/a-note-from-the-new-ceo-of-lob.html
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11 Likes
This is some finely crafted satire. A+ guys, i hope they enjoy the wicked burn
11 Likes
I’m still not convinced the whole Juicero thing isn’t just a very clever ad for the new season of Silicon Valley.
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When I want lobster, I go here.
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If you’ve spent time in New England, you know how easy it is to simply squeeze a lobster from its own shell. I cry foul. They are trying to sell pre-squeezed lobster in a bag, when everyone knows its so simple to put your hand in the sea, grab a mud bug and squeeze it into a plastic cup of Sam Adams. Who are they trying to fool? These people should be taken out onto the pier and shot like a Jagerbomb.
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WHERE CAN I INVEST IN THIS AMAZING COMPANY!?
I get all my food in proprietary packages squeezed out by unnecessarily complicated, networked machines. so I reflect that in my portfolio, too.
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Maybe if it were shelled King Crab…
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i may be old, but I do remember Larry the Lobster - - http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/newsbreak-segment---larry-the-lobsters-fate/n8956?snl=1
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My favorite thing I’ve learned about the Juicero is, to convince people to buy their product that dispenses extremely expensive juice freshly squeezed from a bag of juice, they’re comparing their product to actual juicers, and pointing out that because you’re using a sealed bag you don’t have to wash the juicer afterwards.
Except, it turns out, they recommend that after the machine squeezes your juice out of its bag you should cut the bag apart, remove and compost the pulp, wash and dry the bag pieces, and ship them back to the company.
Where’s your convenient “machine doesn’t need washing” after all that?
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“…better deliver on the lobster promise the ocean makes when she whispers to us each day.”
“… the way our three part system … work together to provide a total lobster experience.”
“I mean, do you really think we’re just selling an expensive machine to squeeze a lobster out of a bag? Silicon Valley venture capital firms invested $150 million in Lobstero and those guys are extremely smart.”
So, who ISN’T in on the joke?
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I thought they closed the Something Awful frontpage back when they canceled the Simpsons.
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There’s a front page?
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I dearly need there to be Lobstero machines in affluent houses, if only so that they can be hacked to release LOBSTERGEDDON upon them.
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This was the final plotline of Thief II, the Metal Age. But with fewer lobsters.
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This whole thing reminds me of one of my favorite bits of Strange History. The weird saga of Joe Flynn’s Personal Eggs.
“Squeezing the lobster out of the pack will startle it”
So all of this - including Juicero - is a scam, right?
We could do a Kickstarter and wait for China to come up with a cheap copy on Alibaba.
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I’m going to follow you, cuz you’re quick. Wait, you’re going too fast! 
