See, this is what I was trying to avoid knowing.
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At first I was like: ā¦but then I was like:
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In general? Sure.
However, such an āalternateā perception becomes problematic to others if they are seeking input thatās actually pertinent and viable.
When one doesnāt even operate within the commonly accepted parameters of existence, (such as the binary concept of male and female, and the fact that the majority of people acknowledge that concept) that person cannot feasibly offer any input which will be useful.
Thanks anyway, but there is really nothing you can offer here which is actually relevant.
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@SteampunkBanana you got to love that fibre.
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Sadly, this. Breakups tend to create feelings, something men are notoriously bad at. Not that Iām condoning their behaviour.
My dating history predates social media, but fwiw Iāve been blanked by women who wouldnāt answer calls or return messages. You always wonder if it was something you did. The motivations may be different, though. Men fear tears, women fear anger.
You mention one was recently divorced. Have the others ever been married? If not, you may be seeing an ingrained pattern of behaviour that they will continue to follow until they are too old and decrepit for it to work, then die alone. You are well rid of them. [quote=āMelizmatic, post:31, topic:89871ā]
I just wanted to hear some insight as to why some people seem to think this shit is okay.[/quote]
No one worth knowing thinks that.
I was at that point many years ago, after back-to-back disappointments. Then I met the woman I married. Hey, itās the only game in town.
This made me think of you for reasons I canāt explain. 
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when i was in my early to mid 20s i had some serious self-esteem issues which caused me to have a tendency to be so unnerved by success i would do things to fuck it up-- made 4.0 in all my classes for a semester, follow it up by registering for 19 hours and then spending the entire semester doing nothing but playing d&d and doing psychedelics. have 4 great dates with a wonderful woman, follow it up by getting drunk in public and loudly telling her in front of her friends and a couple of her brothers i wanted to ālick her cunt dry.ā got a job, an apartment of my own, and doing well in school, follow it up by getting in debt to a coke dealer and eventually being locked out of my apartment for non-payment of rent. i learned a lot from my mistakes and i grew out of it but i caused myself a lot of problems. in retrospect i seemed normal and was an intelligent and attentive conversationalist but i had a black hole in the middle of my psyche which wouldnāt let me succeed. i donāt know if thereās any of that going on within the guys who have done you that way but i can tell you from my observations and experiences that many men never learn from their mistakes and never truly grow up and yet seem perfectly normal on first impression. one reason i donāt usually trust first impressions very much.
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[quote]The first instance of this ghosting was one that I went against my better judgement and sought out closure via some low level stalking; ie, I took a class at the gym he works at.
The excuse was severe depression/midlife crisis; which given his then recent divorce, was plausible, save for the convenient timing of it all. That was and still is suspect.[/quote]
I suspect you know the truth. I think it could also be an underlying cause for the divorce.
This is going to be a sweeping generalization, but I think trying to date a gym rat is like trying to date a stripper or a professional athelete. Theyāre operating the buffet with the opportunity to sample the entrees at any and every opportunity.
Some people consider what one does for a living in the framework of ācan this person support themself (or me) while doing what they love?ā while I consider it in the framework of āwhy does this person love doing what they do, and how will that ultimately relate to their treatment of me?ā
Of course taking this too much to heart may be one of the main reasons Iām still single on the tail end of 49.
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I think that possibility is what pisses me off the most; they wuss out of acting like a decent fucking person because they think Iām gonna cry over them?
Like, seriously???
Thatās awesome, congrats.
I think the kissing frogs metaphor is pretty obvious.
Self-sabotage is one aspect that I probably donāt factor into the equation enough. Thank you for sharing that; it gives me more useful insight than you can possibly know.
Youāre right; it is.
He wasnāt your stereotypical āgym ratā; it takes far more than just a pretty face/nice body to pique my interests. He had more than his mere appearance to bring to the tableā¦ unfortunately, it seems that a spine was not included among his āassets.ā
Long story short; Iām attracted to intelligent, conscious, quirky men with good hearts. If they happen to also be physically attractive thatās icing on the cake.
If I thought it was just a simple matter of dealing with shallow individuals, I wouldnāt have bothered to ask the question.
Maybe, or it could all just be one huge cosmic joke.
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My heartfelt advice?
Stop focusing on what went wrong, and start focusing on baby pandas.
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Iām not one to dwell needlessly; I vent and move on.
The vids are cute but of no actual help; but I will pass them on to my kid - she adores anything panda-related.
Thanks.
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Well, worth a shot.
Being an INFP, distraction is important to keep me out of a hermit-mode headspace. The other way lies madness.
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Iāll add my vote to the ābasic cowardiceā pile, with my runoff vote going to āmen are kind of shitty, to be honest.ā Iāve done a similar thing a number of times. Somebody writes me a message, I feel like I owe them a reply. I donāt reply soon enough, then I feel like I owe a reply along with an apology for not replying. But I still donāt reply. Soon I start to feel like Iāve committed some monstrous wrong, that the other person must be wondering what theyāve done to deserve this horrible silent treatment, that thereās no way I can write an apology thatās good enough because honestly, thereās no good reason why I havenāt replied yet and oh god Iām just a shitty person. Then it just spirals from there. I think being awkward socially and having not super great self-esteem are probably big contributing factors. And, you know:
I can see those kind of dudes being the type, all conscientious and good natured and āoooh, how do I tell her? Sheāll be crushed! Iām such an awful person, what a to-doā etc. Too nice to admit to themselves that they are just regular assholes like everybody.
I never broke off a relationship like that exactly though, so maybe my experience isnāt valid. The one time I gave someone the silent treatment after a sexual encounter, she was more than 50 of the last 100 emails in my inbox. I was overwhelmed, I didnāt know where to start, let alone how to finish it, and I had no idea how it would go if I tried so I just let the situation die. Also she was married, so there was that. Anyway, I really doubt youāre anything like her.
Even supposing thatās true, what are you going to do about it? Change your personality so as to be more convenient to dump? Fuck that sincerely. Even if it is your problem itās still not your problem, you know? I can see why youād want to vent but I hope you wonāt get too fixated over it. Take a deep breath, sigh, maybe a shot of something, and move on.
As for practical advice, you might be asking the wrong people. Have you tried dating women? Thatās what I do and Iām fairly sure itās waaaaay better than dating guys. Or I donāt know, get a dog together. Befriend his dear old mum. Trap the motherfucker. Keep him in a well in your basement and make him put lotion on his skin.
Iām pretty sure you shouldnāt listen to me.
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Well stated.
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If want you can stop short of turning him into a suit. If you want.
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Okay, this thread has now gotten sufficiently weird.
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āA Question for the Male Regularsā
Just what did you think would happen?
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The weirdness is inevitable; such is the nature of the BBS.
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Whatever it is, it looks like they donāt want to confront the situation. Iāve never ghosted anyone, but I have put off confrontations with some women for a while because of the intensity and unpredictability involved. Not so much tears ā sometimes I just donāt want to have to argue about it when itās very personal to the other person. I donāt want to hurt them; I donāt trust myself not to give in when no isnāt a good enough answer and they wonāt give up; I think thereās going to be a showdown where one of us will have to feel guilty, and I donāt want to play that game. You sometimes get rages with men, but I find that easier to deal with. Rages push you away and you can deal with it later. With certain women, sometimes it can be like arguing with a marketer ā you know that whatever the outcome, youāre going to feel bad about it.
Incidentaly, this isnāt talking about women in general, just a small handful of women I know who argue in a certain way. I do discuss whatever it was in the end, but avoidance is a much easier way. It may be that youāre nothing like that, but thatās what these guys have learned to do.
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Accept that there are a lot of assholes out there.
āOne must imagine Sisyphus happy.ā
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