Accept that there are a lot of assholes out there.
“One must imagine Sisyphus happy.”
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This is going to seem trite or sarcastic, but it isn’t.
Date different men.
I had decades of terrible relationships, and a failed marriage, because I kept dating “my type” of guys. So I had to face the prospect that it wasn’t them, it was me. I’m the only common denominator. And I was picking bad mates. So I went out of my way to find and date men that I wouldn’t normally meet. (as a former goth this was kind of easy) I met MrPants 13 years ago, and so far its pretty good. He’s not goth or a nerd or a geek, has never read a comic and I so do not get his sadwhiteboy music tastes but we laugh a lot and have fun most all of the time.
Also he’s from Newfoundland, so maybe try to find one of those. 
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True, a lot of times.
Yep, I agree. Not easy to step out of that, but it’s not sarcastic btw.
But sorry, I’m not the male regular.
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I think I’m probably gonna keep to myself for a while; work on me.
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The better you treat you, the more obvious it is when you are with people who treat you good too.
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I don’t have any advice or explanations to offer. Just came here to say I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this bullshit.
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We all go through some bullshit, sometimes.
Thanks.
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Me too. Not-ghosting has been the exception, not the rule. I just assumed it was in vogue for both sexes.
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it’s in Vague, that’s for sure
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Edit: Created a new discussion.
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Can you do me a solid and make a new post?
It really is a different topic; falling for the wrong person and getting in too far over your head.
(I feel for you, I have had a few friends in that situation.)
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Will do.
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I’ve never done it, but I understand the psychology intimately, being an introvert, procrastinator, and someone who is uncomfortable with emotional displays.
Silence Day 1: "I should let her know that it’s over, but I’m not up to having that conversation right now. The last time I tried to talk to her about the future of the relationship, she broke down crying, and I just can’t deal with that. I’m mourning the end of this relationship myself, and neither of us can turn to the other for comfort. I’ll let her be happy for just one more day. I’ll tell her tomorrow. One day won’t make that much of a difference. I’ve been out of touch for a day before.
Silence Day 2: “Damn, I’m busy today. Oh right, I’ve got to tell her. I’ll do it at lunch.” “Oh, lunch is over, it’s time to go back to work. I’ll call her before I leave work.” “Oh, I’m on the bus now, and I should wait until I get home.” “Well, that was a long day. Oh, I was supposed to call her. Right. Well, it’s too late now; she’ll be in bed. I’ll do it tomorrow.”
Silence Day 3: “I’ve been out of touch for two days now, and now she’s texting me in a panic. What should I do? I really should call and apologize about being out of touch, but would that set the wrong tone for a break-up. How do I do this? Do I break up, and then apologize, or apologize and then break up? I know, I’ll spend today sorting out how to say what I need to say, and call her tomorrow.”
[…]
Silence Day 7: “Oh, she’s stopped texting me. I guess she figured out it was over on her own. I really should call and apologize, but I’m feeling good now that the relationship is over, and that would make me feel bad again. I think I’ll just leave it. Maybe call and apologize later.”
[Etc.]
Again, that’s not based on the actual end of one of my relationships, but I do have a bad habit of not replying to emails, of having friendships online disappear because I no longer contact the people (and feel bad about how long it’s been since I last talked to them), and of putting things — like thank you cards — off until the point where I feel that sending them would be more awkward than not sending them.
Of the two relationships I’ve been in, the other person ended one, and I ended the other. I did so in person, because it has been made clear to me that the option I describe above is extraordinarily painful for the person being ghosted. But if that hadn’t been made clear to me, I can see it going the way above; that kind of procrastination and avoidance is how my mind works.
Yeah, that.
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Um, wow.
I had pretty much sorted through my frustration and acceptance phases by the time this conversation started to taper off, but you posted a couple things here that I feel compelled to address.
I understand what you’re saying about the psychological pressure that some men can place upon themselves, when they know they should make that call and can’t bring themselves to do it, for whatever reason, and then the following procrastination.
That and many other previously mentioned factors make sense to me.
However:
Never happened in this particular relationship. I haven’t cried in front of a guy in a very long time. (It’s kind of a point of silly pride with me.)
Also not my style.
One of my biggest pet peeves is being treated like a pest by anyone, ever.
Two messages are the max that I will send in an effort to communicate, once it seems like a person’s interest is starting to ‘drift.’
The exact circumstances in this case are that the last time we saw each other, we had a really great date, and then he expected to be busy for the next several days, studying and writing papers.
(I respected that and gave him his space to work.)
He was supposed to call after his exams were over and he didn’t. I texted him once and got a vague phone call in return, during which he was half asleep.
I have not heard from him since, and consider that my ‘cue’ to move on.
See, I believe in straight forward, low-maintenance relationships; with as little drama as possible.
I’m not the one to cry, or cause a scene needlessly. I just wanted to understand why it’s so hard for some people to just be honest, and I got the answer I already knew:
Because it’s hard enough for some people to be honest with themselves about what they actually want, let alone anyone else.
Thanks for your input @nimelennar
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I know it doesn’t solve the problem, but sorry guys have been treating you with so little respect and decency.
From your comments above, it sounds like you’re a pretty level-headed non-clingy non-avoidy emotionally mature person to date. As others said, if there’s a pattern, it must be in the men you’re dating, whether it’s hidden self-loathing, lack of self-esteem or some other neurotic flaw. To paraphrase Sherlock and Spock, once you’ve eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the explanation. So while I totally understand wanting to work on yourself in singledom, going by what you’ve said, the problem isn’t with you. If you do date again, would you consider doing emotional reconnaissance becoming good friends with the person before dating, even if dating is what the guy is asking for?
Apologies if my late comments are out-of-line.
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I’m a little late to the party myself, I guess - having problems keeping up these days (sometimes as in “staying awake”).
Melz, I concur: three times is a pattern. My question would be, what were the… power dynamics (right term?)… of the relationships? The reason I ask is that I know damned well that you’ve very, very bright (that’s a salient characteristic that hasn’t really been touched on), and I can see really only two possible reasons for what has been happening:
- “Wham-bam-thankee-Ma’am-and-I’m-outta-here…”
- You intimidated these chaps, and they lacked the 'nads to say so. Procrastinating on the phone call would also make sense in this case.
Number 1 might be a factor for one, maybe (stretching here) two cases, but it doesn’t feel right as an explanation for your problem - I suspect you’d catch on very quickly.
Number 2 doesn’t imply that you weren’t dealing with these guys as equals or playing nicely. It does imply that you may have been very hard for these guys to read, and, for many, maybe most, people, that makes them insecure.
I’m speaking from a certain amount of experience here - I’m not precisely dumb myself. I’ve had people with a certain amount of backbone tell me that they didn’t understand where I was coming from, why I reacted to certain things they couldn’t see a problem with, why I didn’t react to other problems that would drive them into a frenzy. I deliberately adopted a policy of becoming quite predictable: people still didn’t necessarily understand why I did what I did, but they could count on it happening. (The bonus is that people react predictably to predictability, especially those who think they are dealing with a mark.)
I can very easily see you having a similar problem. The question then is, has similar happened with people in your life other than lovers?
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No worries.
It doesn’t matter at this point; I did eventually hear from the guy over the holiday, so my ‘ghosting count’ is back down to two. (Nothing else has changed; he’s still history.)
Intimidation combined with insecurity is a real possibility, but all I can really do now is make better choices going forward.
Thanks.
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Thanks. I’m sorry I didn’t see this reply til just now; something is hinky with my notifications, and has been for some time now.
Sure.
I can’t say for certain that I’m ‘done for good,’ but right now I know I’m just too tired to deal with anyone else’s bullshit but my own.
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