Sounds like others have, too. In all honesty, my dating sample size is probably extremely small compared to most guys here.
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And yāknow, my own sample size of Men Who Date is pretty small as well: just myself. The first couple of times I experienced this kind of ghosting, I was led to believe it was the result of conflict-averse women who didnāt want to hurt me, or wanted to ālet me down easy,ā or were maybe afraid of confrontation (not that many would be frightened by me; Iām tall but rather milquetoasty, especially in my dating days), or just thought the best way to deal with it was not to deal with it at all, since sooner or later I should probably take the hint.
But as I learned of men who did this, I stopped thinking of it as a mostly feminine response. I mean, it seemed to me that the women did it either to avoid hurting a guy, or because they genuinely feared what the reaction to their dumping might be. And both those have an element of validity to them, to my admittedly dated and probably sexist way of thinking. But I have less sympathy for guys who do it. Maybe itās just the wisdom borne of experience, but I know how much it hurts to be dumped without knowing why, or without even knowing for certain that you have been dumped. At some point I learned that telling someone youāre not interested in carrying on the relationship hurts a lot less than just bailing without explanation. I have no patience for people who still think itās a valid response, but somehow it bugs me a lot more when men do it. Nothing makes my eyes roll faster than men who are afraid of a little inconvenient emotion.
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I can attest that the INFP mind revolves around a massive gravity well of meta-thought and rumination and FSM help you if you enter within its Schwarzschild radius.
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Thanks for your thoughtful and in depth response, Mr Petersen; no matter how ālate.ā
As if anyone would actually listen to me, if I did.
*lolz
Indeed.
I think my real disappointment was in myself for not picking better individuals, who actually have the integrity to confront a problem head on, rather than avoiding it.
I do. Over the break I talked with an old girlfriend from college, and she said pretty much what everyone here has said; it seems to be some sort of trend with people who cant deal with conflict or disappointmentā¦ and yes, there are lots of women who do it too.
Yikes; being ghosted in person has to be one of the worst types of rejection. Why on earth did you give her a chance to do it again after the first time?
(Not that it even matters; you clearly ended up with the woman you are supposed to be with.)[quote=āDonald_Petersen, post:82, topic:89871ā]
I used to continue to pursue people who, in retrospect, werenāt interested, even though they never could just come out and say so. And eventually I learned to not do that.
[/quote]
My pride wonāt let me do anything like that; if anything, Iām probably guilty of cutting people off too soon, and not giving others enough benefit of the doubt.
I completely agree.
Thatās what Iām striving to do; to keep my shit as straight forward as possible when dealing with people, romantically or otherwise.
I canāt do anything about how other people behave, and I know that; but I can make sure that I treat others how I want to be treated - honestly, and with the modicum of basic respect that everyone deserves. I make the effort to say what I mean, mean what I say, and try to keep my bullshit to a minimum, whenever possible.
#A-fuckinā-men.
I honestly have thought about putting out a disclaimer when I first become interested in someone new:
But I donāt want to seem like a defeatist, or braggart.
*lolz
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Oh my god, that sign is BEAUTIFUL. You get all the likes!
I know youāre kidding, but just fer the record, if youād said youād received enough input already, I for one would have refrained from posting. #notallblabbermouths
The problem lies in the fact that itās not always apparent which way somebodyās going to go when the chips are down, until the chips are actually falling. Attraction can follow character, but it takes time to assess character accurately, and unfortunately one also has to get through a real crisis or two with someone before one can learn if the emotional investment is worth it. Itās always gonna be a crapshoot at first, and some of us will be lucky enough to find a winner following a minimal number of losers, and others will roll snake-eyes far more often than they deserve. One never knows. All one can do is persevere and trust that oneās own integrity will sooner-rather-than-later find its rightful match. You got an awful lot going for you, and itās good that you know it and donāt need me to tell you. My experience has been that the best people in my life have showed up when I wasnāt actively looking for someone. Everyoneās mileage will vary.
Honestly, it didnāt cost much. Iād pretty much gotten over her by then, and so I was willing to see what lengths sheād go to in order to rekindle the relationship. She was a lovely soul in most ways I could measure, but she did have a fair amount of emotional baggage that made it really difficult for her to trust anyone, and so I figured sheād call or write or visit when she felt up to it. I had nobody else āwaiting in the wingsā so to speak, so I figured it couldnāt hurt to wait and see what happened, at least until I chanced to meet someone interesting. By the time I finally did (again, not by actively looking), it had been most of a year since Iād heard from her, so it was easy enough to move on.
I just thought her reluctance to connect was a temporary thing, but as it turned out, it wasnāt. When my subsequent calls and letters went unanswered (and there were only a couple of each), then I was pretty sure I had my answer. I just found it weird that she bothered to try to reconnect that one time in the first place.
Whole 'nother thread, one Iād like to write someday.
And good for you for that! I didnāt have a lot of pride, though I did have a certain amount of high self-esteem in some ways. Iāve never been conventionally attractive: in high school and college I was tall and scrawny with bad skin and worse hair. Never ādatedā in a conventional way; that is, going out on a dinner and/or movie date or similar with someone I barely know. My first few girlfriends I met through school and/or work, so we got to know and like and respect each other as friends before any romantic thing started, which has always struck me as the best way to go. But over the years I came to learn that a whole lot of my female friends refused to date existing friends, for fear it might screw up the friendship. That always struck me as a Known Issue that could be prevented by two friends who know the risks and are willing and able to communicate about it, but whatever; I had no luck talking anyone into abandoning their policy, so I stopped trying. I always figured that the best way forward for me was to be a High-Quality Boyfriend Experience, so I did all I could to avoid the pitfalls of churlishness, boorishness, sexism, duplicity, cheapskatedness, jealousy, assholery, selfishness in bed, vanity, and all the things I heard my female friends complain about regarding their boyfriends. If nothing else, maybe that would give me a decent reputation. But anyway, I was never too proud to love someone who I felt was lovable, and so there were a few women in my history that unfortunately spent too much time and energy politely keeping their distance and trying not to hurt my feelings. I wish theyād gone ahead and said so, but more importantly I wish Iād had your dignity when it comes to those things. Althoughā¦
ā¦yes, I did always feel that was a real danger. I think you and I may have operated at opposite ends of that spectrum. 
I gave too many benefits of the doubt.
I canāt imagine any way you could possibly improve your approach. If only we all could have that wisdom, especially at ages when it would be most useful.
Again, you donāt need me to say so, but here it is anyway: you know exactly what youāre doing and how best to do it, and youāre gonna be more than fine. Somebodyās gonna be goddamned lucky to meet you.
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Sincerely.
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Youāre not kidding.
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It happens, no worries.
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Sadly, he wonāt be able to see that reply. Heās been gone long enough that heās lost his Regular status.
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You know, I had just such a conversation with my most recent ex.
It only works if people accurately communicate their character and motives, to the extent they are aware of those.
I think good communication comes with maturity, and comes from being in touch with yourself.
Some people just arenāt in touch with themselves, and for the most part when I have seen this I donāt blame them for avoiding themselves, as they tend to be terrible company and have awful boundaries.
Ghosting is a pretty extreme manifestation of immaturity. Iāve cut people off, but never left them wondering, and I do try to be kind about it.
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cannot like your post, but youāre right.
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That post came a full week after any of his other posts. Strange that that was his last post before disappearing for two and a half months. I hope heās okay.
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Heās fine; just dealing with some real life stuff.
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Thatās good to know.
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Iāll mention that you guys asked about him.
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Better late than never?
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Nothing explained. Just more of other peopleās social bullshit. I donāt understand this, and wish I had no reason to.
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Iām actually in a completely different set of circumstances now than when I first wrote this, ironically.
That said, I just thought it was interesting to see others also observing this fucked up phenom.
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