It’s never a hit man. Unless you’re involved in organized crime, you’re never talking to a hit man. It’s the FBI.
Same goes for applying to be a hit man. LOLs.
“Hey boss, I know you want that Jimmy “Fish Sticks” whacked, so I printed out some applications so we can find the right guy - or gal - for the job!”
Yeah, even that guy who was running the Silk Road website, who was definitely no stranger to anonymous criminal transactions, ended up getting busted for hiring a fake hitman. So I’m inclined to believe that it’s nearly impossible to find a real one available for hire outside of a movie.
“… chanced across rentahitman.com and tried to sign up despite it glowing like the sun.”
Beschizza, your words are like fine wine.
It makes me crave a John Wick reboot showing the reality of the underground hitman subculture. Rather than bespoke suits, elaborate gun-fu, and high-end service personnel, Keanu spends his time sitting in a dank office waiting for someone to try hiring him so he can hand the file over to a field agent for arrest.
Should have gone with Lake City Quiet Pills
On recent form, I have to assume that MTG and Tucker Carlson will be demanding his release.
They literally support treason and espionage. There used to be a time when such things got people thrown in prison.
There’s the old joke about “Welcome to the Internet. Where men are men, women are men too, and children are FBI agents.”
You could always try approaching someone you know personally if you happen to have a lot of sketchy associates, but the odds of actually knowing someone who would A) be trustworthy enough not to rat you out and B) competent enough to get the job done are pretty slim.
In the end of the Tiger King documentary we learn that Joe Exotic went to prison for trying to hire an ex-con associate of his to take out Carol Baskin. Thankfully the guy ultimately took the wisest possible course of action, which was to blow the down payment on a weekend of debauchery and then go to the cops to rat out Joe once the hangover cleared.
Wow. So on top of being “I-can’t-believe-he-remembers-to-breathe” level dumb, he also has no sense of self-preservation.
He’s lucky this was a sting.
Why the fuck would you tell someone you thought was willing to hire assassins to kill people that you wanted to be a cop? Because now they are going to be thinking there’s a decent chance of you either;
a) having an attack of conscience and turning them in.
b) turning them in to get a foot in the door for/exciting start to your new law enforcement career.
And you already know how they solve problems.
ummm… this is america. what is this “conscience” that you speak of?
I think my first thought would be, “Wanted to be a cop so he could hurt/kill people…that tracks.” Conscience or respect of the law doesn’t factor in at all with why I think most people want to be cops.
Absolutely. They probably won’t be one of the few people that consider being a cop for the right reasons - but why risk it?
Pony up a little extra money and tell the next hit-man the wannabe cop hit-man has $5000 that they can keep too, just to be sure.
The joke is on the FBI. I think he’s AI-generated. I mean, look at those fingers!
Wait you mean they don’t even have a real Union?
Am I the only one wishing they could sneak Martin Blank into a Continental episode. He would be way better than Mel Gibson. 
Is anyone else bothered by his tie? I mean, I know he’s an idiot and he was willing to kill someone for $5000, but the tie….
I’ve mentioned this a bunch of times, but unless you are a member of organized crime, it’s virtually impossible to effectively hire an assassin. Because it only works if you can threaten the life of your contractor if they fail to do the job. Otherwise they are likely to go to the cops.
The few instances where someone need a hitman from an ad and it was actually carried out, the perps were pretty easily caught.
OH yeah, when someone does successfully pay someone to kill someone, it’s usually some shady guy who has done shady shit for money.
I bet running off with the cash happens more often than it actually working, because, who are you going to report that to? Ha!
I dunno my understanding is that outside of gangs and paramilitary activity where that is prevalent it’s actually pretty rare to have a lot of paid assassins and professional hit men. Just regular murders without hiring anyone are still way more common and honestly may be easier to get away with because they don’t involve anyone else… at least in the US. Here I’m honestly more scared of the rageful and impulsive killer than the pro.
A contract killer is—almost by definition—a person who cares more about money than they care about their obligations to their fellow human beings. And it’s not like ripping off a customer even does their professional reputation any harm since it’s not the kind of business that benefits from client testimonials.
