Badass Space Dragon 2.0 - Round 7 - Money Talks


#1

A dented door and some lizard parts float past the bridge of the Expositor II.

Flik: This is 'orrible!!!

J-One: It does appear that a grave tragedy has occurred indeed, sir.

Flik: Joanie!!! My favorite bar… 'TIS GONE!

J-One: The entire planet is appears to be, “gone,” sir. Obliterated might be a more accurate word,sir.

Flik: I don’t care about that mustard stained ball of arse, DUCK’S… WHERE THE HELL IS DUCK’S!!

J-One: Nothing is coming up on the scanner, just the debris field, sir.


At the Unizone regional headquarters, underlings scurry about, tracking blood everywhere. Mr. Chum steps into the boardroom carrying a large aluminum letter “H.”

Mr. Alces: IDIOTS!! CLEAN THIS UP!! Who has the next report!?

Mr. Chum: That would (unfortunately) be me.

Mr. Alces: Well. Spit it out.

Mr. Chum: So... The problem with the printer seems to be a bit bigger than we thought.

Mr. Alces: How big?

Mr. Chum: The whole print bay was spitting out the phrase "Hello World" in every material we have available. Steel. Plasteel. Glassteel. And in every language. We've had to take that part of the ship completely offline.

Mr. Alces: Why the hell are you bothering me about a printer glitch when we have an entire factory cranking out unauthorized war ships?!

Mr. Chum: Actually, they seem to be related issues. The attacks on our operations seem to all be coming from a single source and.. well.. please don't kill me sir... we're fairly certain it's the money.

Mr. Alces: Someone is after our cold storage vault?

Mr. Chum: No... It's the space blockchain. We believe it's become sentient.

Mr. Alces: HA!!! That’s absurd. Impossible! And why would it bother taking over the print bay?

Mr. Chum: Well, sir... We believe it's fucking with us.

Results

@Donald_Petersen

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| Carcinogenic Denture     | 32/112  |  25  |  29  |  34  |  26  |  24  |   7    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b300.0000
Additional Notes:
-b120, Full HP, +10 Max HP, +2 SH | Complete Overhaul
-b40, 4SH | Hull Plating
b0 | Mission 1 - Cubical Drones x 6
-80HP | Drone Damage
b300 | Mission Success!

@funruly

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| Ignoble Calumnie         | 103/109 |  26  |  19  |  25  |  21  |  29  |   2    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b104.0000
Additional Notes:
-b6, 12HP | Hull Repairs
-b10 | Mission 3 - Data Miners
-6 HP | 1x Asteroid
b100 | Mission Success!

@daneel

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| Certain Moral Flex       | 46/98   |  16  |  14  |  22  |  51  |  43  |   3    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b549.2000
Additional Notes:
-b50 | Mission 2 - Synergy Cannon
-b1 | Sent to @Glutnix
-4FP | Sent to @gwwar
+4ST | Received from @gwwar
-25 HP | 4x Asteroid
b400 | Mission Success!

@SteampunkBanana

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| Dabohaze                 | -15/99  |  26  |  27  |  27  |  29  |  26  |   5    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b0.0000
Additional Notes:
b40 | Received from Community Fund
b7 | Received from @Glutnix
-b27, 54HP | Hull Repairs
-b40, 4EN | 2x Machine That Goes Bing
-b20, 2ST | Scan Scrambler
-b40, 4SH | Hull Plating
b0 | Mission 1 - Cubical Drones
-113 HP | Drone Damage, 2 Dodged
+1 GRIT | So Many Drones!!
Dead | Mission Failed

@jlw

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| The YOLO Mk2             | 15/99   |  37  |  21  |  36  |  30  |  32  |   4    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b400.0000
Additional Notes:
-b20, 40HP | Hull Repairs
-b60, 8FP | Gatling Cannon
b0 | Mission 1 - Cubical Drones x 8
-83 HP | Drone Damage, 1 Dodged
+1 GRIT | So Many Drones!!
b400 | Mission Success!
Item | 1x Cask of Honeywine

@gwwar

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| Smiling Dingo            | 56/96   |  41  |  30  |  32  |  15  |  19  |   4    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b215.0000
Additional Notes:
-b25, 50HP | Hull Repairs
-b40, 4SH | Hull Plating
-4ST | Sent to @daneel
4FP | Received from @daneel
b0 | Mission 1 - Cubical Drones
-41 HP | Drone Damage
b200 | Mission Success!

@davide405

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| Audacious Blip           | 98/102  |  23  |  24  |  37  |  16  |  21  |   2    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b176.8333
Additional Notes:
-b3, 5HP | Hull Repairs (to Max HP)
-b100, 10EN | 5x Machine That Goes Bing
-b10 | Mission 3 - Data Miners
-4 HP | 1x Asteroid
b100 | Mission Success!

@penguinchris

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| Pleiades 360             | 97/101  |  30  |  28  |  25  |  25  |  18  |   7    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b102.0000
Additional Notes:
-b28, 56HP | Hull Repairs
-b10 | Mission 3 - Data Miners
-4 HP | 1x Asteroid
b100 | Mission Success!

@shiftynick

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| Scrumpert                | -7/99   |  14  |  20  |  19  |  20  |  27  |   1    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b78.5000
Additional Notes:
-50HP | Caught in attack on Duck's
Dead

@DreamboatSkanky

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| Somewhat Broken Heart    | 84/101  |  32  |  25  |  34  |  18  |  29  |   6    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b401.9000
Additional Notes:
b40 | Received from Community Bank -b40, 4EN | 2x Machine That Goes Bing
-b31, 62HP | Hull Repairs
-b50 | Mission 2 - Synergy Cannon
-16 HP | 4x Asteroid
b400 | Mission Success!

#2

@wisconsinplatt

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| ZepEx Express 1337       | 95/110  |  26  |  30  |  22  |  22  |  26  |   1    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b595.2000
Additional Notes:
-b50 | Mission 2 - Synergy Cannon
-b120, Full HP, +10 Max HP, +2 SH | Complete Overhaul
-b40, 4SH | Hull Plating
-15 HP | 4x Asteroid
b400 | Mission Success!

@rkt88edmo

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| Awesomating Overthruster | 118/123 |  25  |  25  |  37  |  18  |  31  |   6    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b100.0000
Additional Notes:
-b10 | Sent to @Old
-b60 | Sent to Community Fund
b23 | Received from Community Fund
-b23, 46 HP | Hull Repairs
-b10 | Mission 3 - Data Miners
+1 GRIT | "Sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand."
-5 HP | 1x Asteroid
b100 | Mission Success!

@monkeyoh

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| The S.O.L. Jr.           | -3/99   |  28  |  26  |  26  |  26  |  31  |   5    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b14.0000
Additional Notes:
b4 | Slow Blockchain?
-b20, 2ST | Scan Scrambler
-b20, 2FP | Glopper Gun
-b40, 4EN | 2x Machine That Goes Bing
-b10, 20HP | Hull Repairs
b0 | Mission 1 - Cubical Drones
+1 GRIT | So Many Drones!!
-95 HP | Drone Damage, 3 Dodged
Dead | Mission Failed

@uphill

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| SLS Say Monkey           | 29/96   |  24  |  29  |  23  |  31  |  25  |   4    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b200.0000
Additional Notes:
-b55.00 | Sent to Community Fund
-b25, 50HP | Hull Repairs
b0 | Mission 1 - Cubical Drones
-59 HP | Drone Damage, 1 Dodged
b200 | Mission Success! (1 Drone Escaped!)

@Ratel

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| The Entropy              | 54/101  |  32  |  27  |  31  |  23  |  18  |   4    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b250.0000
Additional Notes:
-b22 | Sent to Community Fund
-b15 | Sent to Community Fund
-b37, 73HP | Hull Repairs (Repaired to Max HP)
-b20, 2ST | Scan Scrambler
b0 | Mission 1 - Cubical Drones
-47 HP | Drone Damage, 1 Dodged
b250 | Mission Success!

@Old

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| USSS Rustbucket          | 101/101 |  32  |  28  |  18  |  26  |  33  |   2    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b219.7000
Additional Notes:
b10.0 | Received from @rkt88edmo
b30.0 | Received from @Glutnix
-b15, 30HP | Hull Repairs (To Max HP)
-b20, 2EN | Machine That Goes Bing
-b10 | Mission 3 - Data Miners
b100 | Mission Success!
No Asteroids!

@Glutnix

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| Cosmosword               | 38/99   |  27  |  24  |  21  |  27  |  18  |   5    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b200.0000
Additional Notes:
b1 | received from @daneel
-b55 | Sent to Community Fund
-b30 | Sent to @old
-b7 | Sent to @SteampunkBanana
-b24, 48HP | Hull Repairs
-b5 | Crew Fee, Dakota Hoofington
b0 | Mission 1 - Cubical Drones
-61 HP | Drone Damage
b200 | Mission Success!

@newliminted

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| The ISS My Daughter Drew | 44/96   |  41  |  35  |  24  |  22  |  26  |   5    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b400.0000
Additional Notes:
-b55 | Sent to Community Fund
-b25, 50HP | Hull Repairs
b50 | Received from Community Fund
-b50 | Mission 2 - Synergy Cannon
-22 HP | 4x Asteroids
b400 | Mission Success!

@PromptedInk

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| Grand Striped Blazer     | 69/97   |  28  |  28  |  26  |  23  |  35  |   1    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b120.1000
Additional Notes:
-b10 | Mission 3 - Data Miners
-b60, 8FP | Gatling Cannon
-b10, 20HP | Hull Repairs
-4 HP | 1x Asteroid
b100 | Mission Success!

@messana

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| Didn't See That Coming   | 42/103  |  34  |  21  |  17  |  17  |  58  |   4    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b336.8000
Additional Notes:
-b48, 95HP | Hull Repairs (to Max HP)
-b60, 8FP | Gatling Cannon
b0 | Mission 1 - Cubical Drones
-61 HP | Drone Damage, 2 Dodged
b300 | Mission Success!

#3

@awjt

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| The Inflatable Pub       | -41/97  |  20  |  19  |  20  |  15  |  25  |   2    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b85.0000
Additional Notes:
-50HP | Caught in attack on Duck's
Dead

@Kaotiq

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| The Lieberal             | -36/104 |  22  |  21  |  21  |  26  |  26  |   0    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b203.7000
Additional Notes:
-50HP | Caught in attack on Duck's
Dead

@greenglyph

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| Stellar Manifold Mollusk | -45/103 |  20  |  24  |  24  |  23  |  25  |   1    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b165.4000
Additional Notes:
-50HP | Caught in attack on Duck's
Dead

@OtherMichael

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| Not Worthy               | 15/99   |  32  |  32  |  34  |  23  |  26  |   5    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b416.3000
Additional Notes:
b4.70 | Sent to Community Fund
-b19, 38HP | Hull Repairs
-b20, 2ST | Scan Scrambler
-b20, 2EN | Machine That Goes Bing
b0 | Mission 1 - Cubical Drones
+1 GRIT | So Many Drones!!
-83 HP | Drone Damage, 1 Dodged
Item | 1x Cask of Honeywine
b400 | Mission Success!

@micaela

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| Micaela-1                | 92/99   |  20  |  26  |  26  |  22  |  32  |   1    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b101.2000
Additional Notes:
-b29, 58HP | Hull Repairs
-b40, 4ST | 2x Scan Scrambler
-b40, 4SH | Hull Plating
-b10 | Mission 3 - Data Miners
-6 HP | 1x Asteroid
b100 | Mission Success!

@Felipe_Budinich

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| Kanji                    | -31/97  |  53  |  22  |  25  |  25  |  18  |   3    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b0.0000
Additional Notes:
-50HP | Caught in attack on Duck's
Dead

@Demiurgus

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| Pennywhistle             | 28/100  |  28  |  19  |  20  |  33  |  36  |   3    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b108.3000
Additional Notes:
-b50 | Mission 2 - Synergy Cannon
-14HP | 3x Asteroids
-40HP | Crystal Explosion!!
+1 GRIT | Cool Scars!
Mission Failed.

@Slaal

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| The Quattro              | 98/101  |  38  |  25  |  42  |  41  |  23  |   3    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b100.8000
Additional Notes:
-b10 | Mission 3 - Data Miners
-b45, 90HP | Hull Repairs
-b60, 8FP | Gatling Cannon
-b200, 20SH | Hull Plating
-b200, 20ST | Scan Scrambler
-3HP | 1x Asteroid
b100 | Mission Success!

@inqydesu

+---------- Ship ----------+-- HP ---+- FP -+- SH -+- EN -+- ST -+- LK -+- GRIT -+
| Pluck                    | 82/105  |  31  |  33  |  28  |  23  |  37  |   4    |
+--------------------------+---------+------+------+------+------+------+--------+
Hat: None
StarBits: b412.7000
Additional Notes:
-b35, 70HP | Hull Repairs
-b20, 2EN | Machine That Goes Bing
-b40, 4SH | Hull Plating
-b50 | Mission 2 - Synergy Cannon
-b12.7 | Sent to Community Bank
-18HP | 4x Asteroid
b400 | Mission Success!

#4
+ DABOHAZE DESTROYED +

Browf: “WHAT? NO?! Not Captain Aiuto!”

+ DESTRUCTION CONFIRMED ALONG WITH CAPTAIN QUIRKY AND THE S.O.L. JR. +

"Everything is falling apart! The pirates! The community! First Honourable Falkayn and now this!? We must let everyone at Ducks know immediately! *sobs* "

+ DUCKS BAR REQUESTS TIMING OUT +

Dakota: That can’t be good – Duck had me redo his network: it had dual connections, and passed that it’d fall back to pirating the space-cable internet.

+ CONFIRMED: DUCKS BAR DESTROYED IN PLANETOID OBLITERATION. MANY PIRATES LOST. +

Browf: I gotta sit down…

“Dakota, with our pirate community base vanquished, I may have to carry on to Kongakut with my family. They’ll want the Cosmosword back in as little number of pieces as possible. Where will you be going if I have to do that?”

“I, I don’t know Browf.”

“If it comes to dropping you off somewhere, where will you go? How did you even get to Charybdis in the first place? You’re a resourceful little doe, so I’d imagine you stowed away somewhere on some ship.”

“. . .”

“. . . no…!”

“… I might have… exploited a cryotube from a certain hoof-shaped space vehicle…

"You stowed away on MY SHIP!!?! From Yukonia-6!!?! "

+ RECORDS CONFIRM, CAPTAIN +

“Did you board at Alces or before?”

“At Alces. I was on board during the space battle with you and the escort and battle cruisers.”

“This… this is a lot to take in… you could have died!”

awkward silence

“So if this all goes to hell in a handbasket, should I take you back to Yukonia-6?”

“No, I have nothing for me there. I have my accounts and my super backpack, and the cold, dark space lanes ahead. I’m okay with staying on with the Cosmosword”

“Where did you get that?”

“Stole it from some pizza delivery guy.”

“Uh huh…”

+ CAN WE KEEP HER, BROWF? HUH? HUH? +

“You made BAMBI say that, didn’t you?”

“Heh, you know me too well already.”


#5

@patrace

Errr, I don’t mean to be a nuisance, but it appears that an error may have occurred in the processing of my orders with Ella and I’m missing b160 worth of shielding. It’s nice to see that Pete’s got my back at least and didn’t send me out without my hull fixed up.

Badass Space Dragon 2.0 - Round 6 - Synergy:

The way things are sounding, I am starting to want as little money as possible. Such an odd sentiment, my biological side must be growing senile.


#6

The shock-waves shudder to a silent stop. The twirly whimpers itself to sleep. One by one, the crew of the Somewhat slide their forked tongues out to gauge the atmosphere. There they stand, stock-still, like scaly kids licking pretend ice cream.

Quirky: “Liz-Tenant! Whatever the BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP that was, it’s causing BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP cross-wave interference in the com-net. Hail the Cosmosword….no, it’s like ‘Cosmo Sword’, I think, not ‘Cosmo’s Word’… BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP …I dunno, maybe it’s ‘Cosmo, S, W, or D’… just get me Captain Browf!”

Liz-Tenant: Open. Go.

++ INTER-SHIP COMMUNIQUE: Somewhat to Cosmosword ++
BE ADVISED. BE ADVISED. REPORTS OF MY DEATttttttttH, premature, ETsssC, ETsssssssssC…

UPSET. VENGEFUL.

RENDEZOUS?


#7

[The Didn’t See That Coming slips back into the corner of Charybdis that Lazlo has begun to think of as ‘home’, only to detect a cold, slowly expanding shell of debris. Wearily, he rescans telemetry data from the last cycle to confirm what he already knows in the bottom of his seven hearts.]

“Beard. Captain Mrs Baseheart. Duck. So many this time. Too many.”

“Until now, we’ve flown the black flag while we remember our dead. I reckon we start flying the black flag while we avenge our dead.”

[Lazlo is overcome by a strange mood and barricades himself in the machine shop. After a fussing with the matfab for what seems like hours, Lazlo carries his creation to the airlock and scrambles into an EVA suit. Once outside the ship, he attaches a large black square of metal to the docking mast.]

This is a plasteel flag. All craftslobstership is of the highest quality. It is encrusted with salt. The object menaces with spikes of moulted carapace. On the item is an image of Duck’s Pond the Space Bar in white plasteel. The artwork relates to the destruction of Duck’s Pond by Unizone in the early spring of 2015.


#8


#9


#10

I hope everybody who wanted a rumchata got one.


#11

They are available mail-order, but shipping is… a bit expensive.


#12

[ALERT! ALERT! EMERGENCY TRANSMISSION! ALL HAILING FREQUENCIES!]

[(garbled) SATELLITE OF LOVE MARK 2 (garbled) DRONES EVERYWHERE (garbled) HULL BREACHED (garbled) FIRST MATE PRESUMED (garbled)]

.

[(garbled)]

[SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS]

[END TRANSMISSION]


#13


#14

Flips switches.

SISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!


#15

Well that’s depressing. Where do you go to drown your sorrows when the place you drown your sorrows is the reason for them?

So much loss.

Captain Newlireconstructed sits down in the galley of his ship and pops open a small flask…


#16

I’ll just watch Cheers reruns.


#17

Bad enough they took out Duck’s. Did they have to pop the Inflatable Pub too?


#18

Fixed. You still rolled the same minimum damage.


#19

“Dammit!”

“Bon débarras,” Jonah opens up a bottle of rumchata, “There wasn’t that much there anyway.”

“For you maybe,” Wooster looks out at the debris, “I used to think that Duck’s Pond was all raunchy without the cashmere. The soup smelled like mildewy cotton. Even the bar seemed so bland,” he turns to the empty shot-glass with the black umbrella hanging on the side. He sighed, “That was just after I escaped.”

“So what? Once a smelly baño, always a smelly baño,” Jonah takes out a wineglass–plastic and opaque–and pours some rumchata into it, “Besides, you’re still a Steward of All Things Fashionable!”

Wooster slams his claw on the terminal, “Steward, my tail,” he swings around and gives Jonah a cold stare, cross-hairs locked on him, “All things Fashionable!? Do you know why I jettisoned myself out here, because I was kitschy! Those Cardigans saw nothing more than some lobster in a striped suit and called it tasteless, like they did with the rest of the Business Casual cadets!”

Jonah took a sip from his glass, “Who can blame them? You guys needed a makeover. Eine Überholung, just to maintain the trendiness that we know best,” another sip, “Besides, suits were becoming muy aburrido.”

Wooster sighed and swung back towards the terminal, gazing at the void.

Log#: 0102112 
What's Trending: N/A

Jumped out of hyperspace ready to celebrate a successful job over at Fluffington only to find a big gaping hole where Duck's Pond used to be. I've grown fond of what I used to think was another sailor's watering hole. Of course, that was when I was uptight about fashion and running from Cardigans, laying low by fishing for sand-fish while dodging meteors. When Captain Falkayn still roamed through the stars and the Dabohaze roaring into FTL. 

Now, I ask myself: What does fashionable even mean anymore? 

Is it the matching outfits, the colors, or even the atmosphere? I thought that maybe I could make this galaxy into a garment haven and push those Cardigans into a supernova. I mean, I there's the technicolor blazer schematic and the fact that Jonah managed to get some data about the industry here by convincing some data miner that the keyword system could be streamlined with a built-in translator. 

Jonah. Thinks that I threw it all away for the low-life. I disagree and it's far from it. I'm making him tune up the Gatling Canon for when it all goes tacky, for real. When Unizone dons the sweater, that's when I'll strike. For Falkayn, for Duck, and for All Things Fashionable. 

-Capt. S. Wooster (GSB)

#20

A lone canister floated through the darkness, blaring a signal across the sub-etheric system. An emergency beacon, containing the last five minutes of communications from a doomed vessel. Their final transcript.

Voice 1: “Welp, that’s another drone for us! Nice shooting Phil, I owe you a drink for that one.”
Voice 2 (Robotic, likely computer): “CAPTAIN.”
Voice 1: “Not now Beard, we’re in the middle of something, have you not noticed?”
Voice 2: “CAPTAIN.”
Voice 1: “Fine. Beard, what is is?”
Voice 2: “DRONE BEHAVIOUR HAS NOT BEEN AS CALCULATED.”
Voice 1: “What are you talking about? We’re within an acceptable range of damage, five down, five to go.”
Voice 2: “SIR, HOW MUCH DAMAGE HAVE WE TAKEN?”
Voice 1: “Jack Tripper, how’s the hull?”
Voice 3: “56% cap!”
Voice 1: “See Beard, we’re home free.”
Voice 4: “Contact, starboard side, 3.4 out, above five degrees.”
Voice 1: “Helm, come around to the right, upward planes ten degrees, let’s try to get above them.”
Voice 4: “Aye sir.”
Voice 3: “Sorry cap, I should have been clearer, we’ve taken 56% damage, 44% to go.”
Voice 1: “Hrm. That’s unfortunate. Beard, continue.”
Voice 2 “THEY ARE PROVING MORE ACCURATE THAN ORIGINALLY DESIGNED.”
Voice 1: “What are you talking about, it’s programming, we downloaded the specs, looked at the code, we should be coming out of this with 10 points to spare.”
Voice 4: “Sir, contact coming within range.”
Voice 1: “Hard-a-port, right side, top and bottom guns, have at them.”
Voice 3: “Taking damage, starboard side, top gun battery damaged. Leaking atmosphere.”
Voice 1: “Is Henry’s breathing system working? Tell him to put his mask on.”
Voice 3: “He’s already wearing it.”
Voice 1: “Good man.”
Voice 4: “Target destroyed, hull at 33%. Two contacts, port side, 5.3 out, 6 degrees below.”
Voice 1: “Come about, stay on this plane, we’ll pick up a little speed. Go check on Henry, he has a tendency to hang in there too long.”
Voice 4: “Aye.”
Voice 1: “Beard, what the hell?”
Voice 2 “IT, AH, ALSO APPEARS THAT I MAY HAVE, AH, FORGOTTEN TO CARRY THE ONE.”
Voice 1: “Forgotten to carry the one?”
Voice 2 “YES SIR.”
Voice 1: “Is there anything else you’ve forgotten?”
Voice 2 “…NO.”
Voice 1: “Beard? There was some hesitation.”
Voice 2 “I MAY NOT HAVE REMOVED ALL OF THE HOT POCKETS PER YOUR EARLIER ORDERS.”
Voice 1: “Is that why we’re sluggish on our turns?”
Voice 2 “POSSIBLY. YES.”
Voice 1: “Well, damn it. Aft gunner!”
Voice 5: “Yes sir?”
Voice 1: “Can you easily dump any boxes of Hot Pockets back there?”
Voice 5: “Er, not really. We had a problem a few turns back, crates broke wide open, they’re everywhere.”
Voice 1: “Damn it.”
Voice 3: “Sir, closing in on seventh and eighth contacts, orders?”
Voice 1: “Get within range and split between them. Forward and port guns take the portside, top and starboard take the starboard, aft gunner bats cleanup.”
Voice 3: “Roger.”

[17 seconds of silence.]

Voice 3: “Sir, hull stability at 9%. Top gun destroyed, starboard and forward guns now damaged. Two more contacts, dead ahead.”
Voice 1: “Close and keep sharp. We’ll mourn when this is over in a few minutes. Beard?”
Voice 2: “YES SIR?”
Voice 1: “Any suggestions on getting out of this?”
Voice 2: “HOPE AND FAITH IN THE CREW.”
Voice 1: “Well, that’s always gone without saying.”
Voice 3: "Contacts, coming within range, orders?
Voice 1: “Same idea, split them. Flip around, have the aft gunner and starboard guns target the starboard target, port gun do their best on the port side.”
Voice 3: “Roger.”
Voice 1: “Good luck to all, let’s hope this works. Beard?”
Voice 2: “YES SIR?”
Voice 1: “Always carry the one next time. Should have stayed in the Mediterr…”

[Signal ends]