I’m partial to making toast in the fish grill tray of a Japanese stove top, but you can do about the same thing with a toaster oven and a bit more time. Just butter the bread first (or if you’ve got butter too hard to spread, arrange the butter shavings to cover most of the bread surface) and stand in front of the tiny window while you drink your coffee to make sure you don’t catch the house on fire.
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Not that song - this song:
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This is very timely because yesterday I found some marmite for the first time in this country (or at least the first time for a price I am willing to pay). Which means I also got some sliced white bread. I do not own a toaster so I will spend time worriedly peering into an oven in about 5 minutes. But it also means I can finally have some proper breakfast soon.
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In Saki’s story “Shredni Vashtar” the nasty Aunt disapproves of the boy making toast because “it gives trouble”. That was in the old days when you stuck a piece of bread on a toasting fork and held it in front of an open fire (or, more practically, the embers of an open fire). It’s difficult to imagine how much less trouble it could be, even before sliced bread and toasters. BOO, nasty Aunt!
Nowadays the only thing you toast the hard way is marshmallows. SO… how long before someone invents the marshmallow toaster?
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I feel your pain. And you left off the rows of burn scars up the arms from too hot trays and short sleeves.
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I recently had to buy a toaster. It’s hard to find one without 14 different options. It shouldn’t be any more than a down/up slider and a darkness adjustment. The down/up slider should allow you to push the bread up high enough to grab shorter items like english muffins. Everything else is marketing nonsense & feature creep.
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You can always just put your bread in a pan on the stove.
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What am I, a caveman?
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The book The Brave Little Toaster was based on was written by the late Thomas M. Disch, whose other works tended to be rather disturbing PKD-style SF for adults, so quite a departure!
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It’s the same with toaster ovens. We had to replace one a few years ago (after the unfortunate flaming nacho incident…) and it took forever to find just a basic small model without a weird rounded back. None of the local stores that sell housewares had anything basic, but they had 832 versions of the same “luxury” style. 
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One of these sits in my kitchen:
I think we bought it in 1994, the design hasn’t changed much at all. I’ve replaced the elements once - so what looked at first to be a steep price tag turned out to be a bargain. Cost about £120 new, better than replacing cheapo ones every couple of years. Recommended - they are common in catering use as well.
Oh, and ETA because I can’t believe no-one’s posted it yet:
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[Crispin Hellion Glover tude of choice:] I have so much [pretend] anger! I used to be a boating health professional until they made me eat the toast corners breakfast! I refused the fourth cotner and without me now it’s just crispy or wildly tossed PFDs all over for no reason! You’re just in the pocket of big toast!
Honestly a pretty bad carbon footprint. Where are the (possibly industrial kitchen safety-forward) heat pump toaster devices? It’s just making those patio hobs run overtime…
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Sounds like an epitaph for someone who died (deliciously) as the filling for a panini. The Monte Cristo of coffins.
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I suggest getting a toaster oven instead of a toaster. They have many more uses and we use ours all the time.
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I should have known. I don’t pay much attention to this kind of thing.
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