COVID-19 killed the Costco half-sheet cake

Originally published at: https://boingboing.net/2020/06/26/covid-19-killed-the-costco-hal.html

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Wait, so I wasn’t supposed to be eating it by myself?

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Corporate bday parties no longer exist.

So, why should the sheet cake?

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In PA, they’re allowing gatherings of up to 25 people. The big ones with up to 250 people will be next:

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I for one welcome our cake decorating overlords.

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mmmm…bacon cake…

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It strikes me as strange, especially for a commercial aimed at professional bakers, that they guy laying the cake layers on isn’t wearing gloves.

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It’s cake porn.

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I enjoyed that video, thanks for posting it.

That’s quite the plot twist at the very end, when they’re suddenly decorating a wheel of cheese!

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Tina Fey is, I’m sure, disappointed. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVvpXZxXWZU

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NO MORE SHEET CAKES!??!!?!?!

ALL THIS CORONAVIRUS HYPE IS POLITICAL CORRECTNESS RUN AMOK!!!

MY RIGHT TO DIABETUS BY COSTCO HYDROGENATED OIL SHEET CAKE FROSTING SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED!??!? DO YOU HEAR ME? SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED!!!

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It’s your constitutional right to binge on sheet cake. We should sue Costco.

Edited: damnit, someone beat me to the gluttony-as-an-American-ideal punchline.

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Eh, American sheet cakes are almost universally trash anyways.

Why should they be wearing gloves? To breed germs in them?

How are we going to deal with all the issues and problems of today without being able to sheetcake?

Sure, but that’s kinda the whole point of them.

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Making one yourself could be infinitely better than store-bought, though. The traditional bakery version, of sweetened, whipped hydrogenated vegetable oil (I suppose they use coconut oil now) on yellow cake from a mix was the kind of thing that caused people to ignorantly claim they “didn’t like cake.”

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I love that you’re taking a moral stand on the quality of cake and peoples’ access to said quality. This feels like classic BB. The world needs more cake and less of…well…everything else that we have right now.

ETA: I’m one of those people who thinks I don’t like cake, so now you’ve got me wondering where to get a good one to try.

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Costco frosting is sweetened oil slick. I suspect it comes in 55-gallon drums. The memory of the mouthfeel alone makes me cringe.

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Getting good cake seems really difficult in the US. I don’t know how it got this bad*. Other countries have decent patisseries. Somehow things went wrong here, and good bakeries are hard to find. I recollect a local bakery that everyone seemed to love when I was growing up, but the love was inexplicable as it had the same crappy mass-produced cake as everyone else. (*Though I blame cake mixes and the 1950s mass-produced, advertising-driven food standardization for all this. They seem to have destroyed America’s existing cake culture.)

Which is why I bake my own. The problem with that is, you have to have good recipes, but also a willingness to eat a certain number of failures before you get the hang of baking. But at least those failures are likely to be better than store-bought cake.

And it’s exactly like the cake sold so many other places. It’s so weirdly standardized, like everyone agreed to use exactly the same horrible recipe. Presumably it’s the recipe that’s most easily mass-produced, using the cheapest-possible ingredients, over-sweetened to average American tastes.

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