Fake Star Wars Spoiler Thread

I think we need to get some fake spoilers for Star Wars: The Force Awakens circulating just to make sure there’s enough misinformation out there to counteract the real spoilers which are sure to hit the scene shortly. I’ll start:

  • Obi-Wan didn’t actually die during his confrontation with Vader. His empty robes fell to the ground because he undressed very quickly as a distraction before escaping naked into a shuttlecraft. Subsequent “Force Ghost” appearances were actually just teleconferences via R2-D2’s holo-projector.
  • Kylo Ren has spent decades plotting revenge against the Skywalker family for the untimely death of his father, noted Tatooine musician Max Rebo.
  • Yoda was actually only in his late 30s, he just didn’t take very good care of himself.
  • C3-P0’s arm isn’t red now because it was a replacement part, it’s just stained with the blood of his enemies.
  • Garindan is now recognized as the foremost bounty hunter in the galaxy. He earned this title because unlike Boba Fett, he was able to rat out the location of the Millenium Falcon to Imperial Forces without getting knocked into the Sarlaac pit like a punk shortly afterward.
  • Chewie is actually quite crunchy.
  • Due to a time-loop involving Red Matter, Luke is actually Anakin’s father.
  • Yoda’s children make an appearance in the film. Their names are: Yoyo, Yomama, and Yowassup
  • The film starts out on Coruscant, where all of the characters from the original trilogy are lounging around. Suddenly, Coruscant explodes, and Finn and Rey are picked up by Vogons.

I was surprisingly affected by Han Solo’s death, never saw the betrayal of him by his younger brother coming (and what an awesome bit of casting it was to get Bill Murray in that role!)

Having Luke Skywalker stuck in the time vortex for the whole movie was a bit of a cop out, though.


I am very uncomfortable with this reboot-masquerading-as-a-sequel.

Alderan was never destroyed? The force is little organisms in your blood? The Ewoks are “cute” and “alive”?!?!?

WTF is this bullshit?


I thought it was okay up until the 10 minute long basketball scene (yeah, I know, “space ball”) between Poe Dameron and Chewbacca, in which BB-8 gets mistaken for the ball.


Oh, and the way that Luke was hiding in BB-8 the whole movie? That was quite the plot twist.



Synopsis. Decades after the Empire’s defeat, a new band of Rebels must stop the Empire from doing the same thing again.

Tagline. What Awakens? It is the Force.

Promotional tie-in. Everything looks better from a Kia Sorento. Star Wars in theaters December 18th.

1 Like

I loved the part where BB-8, R2-D2, C3-P0 and the Gonk droid joined together to form Voltron.


[quote=“Felton, post:5, topic:70751”]
I thought it was okay up until the 10 minute long basketball scene (yeah, I know, “space ball”)
[/quote] The Light Side Can’t Jump


I’m ok with the vortex, however having the vortex triggered by a quantum collapse of probability states when definitive proof of “who shot first” was discovered seemed like a pretty contrived plot point.


From ‘Secrets of Star Wars and the End of Everything’

  • The sphere at the bottom of BB-8 contains Jar-Jar’s head.

  • The Emperor was exterminating the Midi-chlorians because they manipulate their hosts

  • Thanks to Luke, the plague spread unchecked, ‘force users’ popped up everywhere, and their galaxy was destroyed.

  • The beginning of every movie was a warning… they’re here now.

  • Mark Hamill IS Luke Skywalker and he’s been manipulating us into inventing light sabers, because they radiate dark matter that is the source of the Force.


Luke Skywalker’s wife died at the end, and he married his ‘Auntie Robin’.


I never expected that Kylo Ren was actually 3 ewoks in a trenchcoat!


Huh, so Vader was Luke’s dad. Who knew?


Oh, come on. We have to keep these plausible.


Fans everywhere lose respect for Leia when they learn “Nerf Herder” is actually a highly offensive space-racist epithet.


What a time to run out of likes!

It was great but having a Klingon bad-guy was just terrible, I think JJ Abrams must be confused.


We had E.T.s in episode II, so what’s the harm? Better a forehead-appliance than another CGI villain any day!



E.T. was already part of the Star Wars universe. Aside from his obvious mastery of the Force, why else would he have recognized Yoda (during the trick-or-treating scene) or associated him with “home?”