I am here for whatever you need. Seriously. You need a five hundred foot trampoline, I am your God damn fixer.
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Lol, Iām set for recreational periodic inertia storage devices at the moment. Itās been a hard few days so far, but Iām doing better than I expected I would.
I think Iām distracting myselfā¦
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- We have both been through shit.
- We both know the depths it goes to.
- We are both generous.
Donāt hesitate to ask for favors, you got support whether you want it or not.
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Thatās actually very comforting. Thank you. I mean it.
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[[hugs]]
When our dog Tas - the best dog in the world - died, we kept hearing her moving around at night in the bedroom for months, maybe the better part of a year. Dunno about ghosts, itās just where she fit into our lives.
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I keep hearing Tobyās collar jangle, but we have it sitting on the kitchen table. Itās just, thatās what the house sounded like for over a decade when he was alive, and I guess when you expect something like that, it keeps getting mentally triggered.
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When I say āseeā, what I mean is:
I arrive home, and open the front door and the first thing I do is look at the spot where his bed used to be, but itās empty. Itās walking up the stairs out of my room and I glance at the back door to see if heās standing there asking to go out and do business. Itās me packing my lunch and spilling some bread crumbs on the kitchen floor, and whistling to him to let him know thereās a few goodies to slurp up before realizing heās gone. Itās me opening the cupboard where his frisbee is, and bracing for impact because he loved playing fetch with the frisbee and would run headlong into my legs when I opened the cupboard. He knew that the frisbee was in there. Itās me grabbing my jacket out of the hall closet, catching a glimpse of his leash and having a spurt of adrenaline as I realize heās never going to go crazy for a walk ever again. Itās me seeing that itās 6PM and thinking ātime to feed Tobyā and then realizing Iāll never be feeding him again. Itās me feeling depressed after having to deal with a shithead user on the oncall cellphone and wanting to go pet Toby for awhile to calm down and feel better but knowing that heās gone. Itās me out in the park sitting down on a bench and remembering that I donāt have to tie off Tobyās leash to it so he wonāt yank when a kid walks past and wants to pet him.
Itās a million little things a day that remind me that my best friend is gone, and I donāt know when this will stop. But I hope itās soon.
Please, I know this is a pity party, and I donāt want to be that selfish, but thank you so much for the condolences.
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the hinge of my fridge just gave up the ghost. the construction in the kitchen to hold the door shut looks like a static Rube Goldberg display: broomstick, vacuum cleaner, suitcase, laundry rack.
uh, where was I?
ah yes, fuck today.
my boss claimed he would support me in the endless struggle with the intracompany software development group. but went AWOL.
starting in 4 weeks or so I will be completely rebuilding an important part of the business-critical infrastructure without a map at hand, as the development project lead has himself no idea what heās doing and what heās trying to accomplish.
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I went out to drinks and appetizers with a dear friend today. I love the guy to death, but I had to bail. I justā¦ Had to run. The restaurant was too loud, I couldnāt deal with the people, the waitress haaaated me, and i just wanted to crawl in a hole. Ten bucks she posts the next Fuck Today after this comment about the dudebros in mountain view CA 
What am I doing here? (Apologies to the waitress about the two lame jokes I made that were secretly insults about myself, which I shouldnāt have laid on her)
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I got closer today than ever before to quitting my job, or sending some emails which probably would have headed me in that direction. Iāve been trying to work around my boss for a while, but I am hitting the limit when it comes to working for someone who doesnāt believe that documentation is a good idea, doesnāt believe that software testing is a good idea, and itās beginning to seem doesnāt believe that finding out implementing the features customers want and ask for is a good idea.
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I just found out that Terry Wogan has died.
He was never going to be as cool as Lemmy or Bowie, but he was part of the scenery when I was growing up, on Eurovision or Children in Need.
Here he is when David Icke claimed he was the son of god on his talk show. If only the insanity had stopped thereā¦
It seems fitting to finish with this, that would normally be put on the Awful Song Thread.
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And now the BBC wonāt let me listen to the Carlisle United vs Everton game in the FA Cup, because I am in Spain 
.
And Carlisle are a goal down almost immediately after kick off.
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No giant killing this year 
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Kind of a rubbish reason for posting here, but my family continues to dwindle back home.
My parents have had to go back down to Penzance for the funeral of my first cousin once removed - I guess she wasnāt the closest relative of mine but she was always really nice to me when I was a kid (weirdly so - really liked boys and not girls so I got spoilt rotten and my sister didnāt - which was kinda funny at the time) - plus she spent an awful lot of time looking after my Grandad right before he died.
A small part of my childhood has gone. Dadās been ill recently too, had a stroke last year. Just feeling a bit maudlin. I need to get back to the UK before too long.
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Donāt wait. My mother fussed about having to leave 15 minutes late for a family party 7 days before the event, and I pointed out that her brother was so sick he wouldnāt be there anyway; it would be better to go see him ASAP instead of thinking about the next weekend. She didnāt listen to me, or his daughter (my cousin), and sure enough, 5 days later he was dead.
Donāt wait.
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todayās the deadline for doing my performance self-review at work, and as I look at the past year, summarized as a list of slightly more than 100 changelists, Iām getting an overwhelming feeling of what the fuck am I even doing with my life
I think I have put too much reliance on my job as a source of fulfillment and identity, which is making the current state of near-burnout pretty hard to get a handle on.
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it is a job. it pays the mortgate/rent/dinner bills. nothing more nothing less. if you are lucky to have a job that you also enjoy all the better but identity and fulfillment are rarely linked to the provider of your paycheck.
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(I am out of likes)
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There is nothing particularly wrong in my life, but i want to curl up in a corner and cry.
Fuck clinical depression.
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Seriously. Fuck it, because it fucking sucks.
I wish I had something to say that is actually helpful, but all got is this. I am a stranger on the internet, but Iām sitting here and hoping you, personally, are OK.
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