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It’s hard to believe, but after all these comments not a single one said, “… the best thing since…”
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I bought a crap ware toaster a while back, it had the feature that it could slice bagels before roasting them.
It had a slide and a pusher that you put your bagel into, then you pushed your bagel through, it cut it, and popped it out into the toasting chamber, which you could then activate to toast your bagel.
That is what we need. Something that has a slot for the bread, an automated push bar, and an electric knife which cuts the bread for you.
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You must’ve missed @anon33176345 ’s subtle reference to same. 
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A horizontal alternative:
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I want thinner slices: Italic bread
Did somebody say TOAST?
@delightfultree I inherited one of those. Was too dumb to figure out how to use it in the 5 seconds’ thought I gave to it, and tossed it to the back of the ‘utensils we never use’ drawer. I guess it is still there. Maybe I should let it see the light of day again.
Apparently (it is not immediately obvious) those things in the original post (shown on Amazon) have thinner slices at one end and thicker at the other - i.e. the spacing between the vertical slats is different at each end and the actual end is removable and can be placed anywhere along the row of slats.
This lady made her own Eezi-slice
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Not sure if you meant those two paragraphs in context. But I think the spacer thing on the knife is adjustable, too. I have not used one of them in ages, but it should be straight forward enough: adjust width, put spacer thing against side of bread, saw-movement back and forth, cut downwards.
Also, you can always upgrade to something like this:
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“Mommy, why is Joey’s finger in my sandwich?”
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Cos Joey’s a snitch. Don’t be a snitch kid.
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The penny just dropped. The reason it made no sense to me is that it was set up for a left-hander.
Thinking about it, I don’t believe my Mum would need or entertain such a thing, but she probably got fed up with my Dad (a lefty) messing up the loaves and found one for him to use.
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I don’t think I need something like this, but a bagel slicer, that I could use. My problem with bread is the bakery always wants to slice it…I try to get there when the pumpernickel is out of the oven, before they slice it into ridiculous see through slices.
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For a better slice, poke a hole in the crust first!
…follow me for more cooking tips
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Pro Tip: ask the local bakery to slice your bread for you with their machine. Bonus points if it is bread you smuggled into the store.
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Which you then get to pay for a second time to get it out of the store… 
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That implies paying for it the first time.
ALL HAIL THE BAGUETTE PANTS.
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You call that an upgrade?
That, is an upgrade:
Seriously, many households in Germany have one of these. I could not find a statistic quickly on how many households have one but many do. I do, my parents do.
(it is electric in case this is not obvious)
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