Originally published at: https://boingboing.net/2019/03/11/moose-enjoys-treats.html
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It’s fine, as long as you feed them your sister.
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Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretti nasti…
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And if you give a moose a muffin… well, let’s just say you’ll likely end up right back where you started.
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It’s my new mantra, Moose a Muffin, soothing to the soul…
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Indie Band Name!
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For moose lovers everywhere:
My favorite part is when the moose writes “the most wonderful book ever written by man or moose” (his description):
THE TRUE STORY OF A WILD MOOSE, by D. Moosus Moosewater
After single-handedly defeating Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan, and thus ending World War II, I decided to devote myself to finding a cure for all the diseases known to Man and Moose. However, before I was able to do this, I found that my country still needed me to serve as President of the United States. In those days, I was known by the name of Harry S. Truman.
Dog (or moose) bless you Mr. Pinkwater. I loved your books as a kid, and now that I am almost 50, I still love them.
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One phone call and you won’t be able to get work as a street cleaner in this town
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“Just a note… I would not recommend feeding a random moose, they are incredibly powerful animals.”
Not only that, but they have a tendency to panic and to act in a manner that I’ve heard people describe as “dumb and mean” though I think that’s probably a bit anthropomorphic. Either way, a male stands anywhere between 6 and 7 feet tall at the shoulder, and weighs like 1200-1500 pounds. Females are a little smaller, but regardless of which sex you encounter, you’re still looking at roughly a thousand pounds of wild, skittish, Volkswagen Beetle.
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It’s true! I do enjoy treats. Heck, who doesn’t? 
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Moose scare me more than wolves or bear! Moose can be mean, relentless, and seem to be sort of random. A bear will steal your food, a moose will destroy your tent, your canoe, and your packs, while you cling terrified to a tree wondering what you did wrong. But I’m still more afraid of mountain lions then moose.
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I think that touches on the core issue–bears, wolves, and even mountain lions at least have some kind of understandable reason. When a moose goes in and just wrecks up the place, you don’t necessarily have any understanding of why. Something probably scared it, but with a predator they’re not typically after you (though sometimes they are) either way, they’re ultimately after a meal or to get you out of their area. A moose will walk right up to your back porch, smash it up, and then strut off like “you know what you did.”
No moose, I really don’t.
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FROM UP A TREE: I’ll see you in moose court pal! You’ll be hearing from my raccoon lawyer!
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One word: Elchtest.
Do you see what happens when you feed a stranger in the Alps?
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FROM UP A TREE: Honey, can’t we just talk about it?
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Where is squirrel?
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Moose are eldrich guardians of the ley lines and handle code inspection for the Realm of Faerie.
If one trashes your deck you probably violated the Seelie/Unseelie Harmonized Residential Code(if it’s your business’s deck the Harmonized Building Code).
This is why the more professional moose will have dimensionally standardized antlers, since it’s very hard to use an ell*-wand to verify dimensions when you are a quadruped with no hands.
(Edit: this is why you should never use the phrase “You call those NIST traceable?” in reference to a moose’s antlers. They don’t take those sorts of accusations well.)
*Yeah, don’t ask about ‘ell’. Normally it corresponds to one of the archaic customary units of length in use by a given region’s inhabitants at the time local Faerie code was last updated; but there are exceptions(the region around Paris where radical Jacobin pixies redefined it to equal the 1793 meter and built a lot of particularly Sylvan guillotines is the best know counterexample; other cases tend to crop up where major human population flows have modified the distribution of Faerie populations as well, a common case in the new world).
The new world case is particularly tricky because all the moose will tell you is “the ell is as the code was written” or “the ell is inscribed upon the old bones”; and because the relevant customary units of precolumbian populations are rather obscure, since colonization hit them very hard; and in some but not all cases they’ve been supplanted by the ell associated with the major colonizing group’s region of origin.
All this makes it even harder to know if your deck’s railing has the required Fey whimsey per ell, falls within the keep-out region of an ancient one’s ley easement; or violates some particularly dickish bylaw of the nearest gnome HOA. Being baffled by moose behavior in these situations is really pretty understandable.
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