Oregon militia leaders complain about no Internet in jail cell


#1

[Read the post]


#2

insert tiny violin gif here.


#3


#4


#5

It’s amazing that they know all about the Constitution but never bothered to look up the definition of “jail.”

Get off the internet, freeloaders, read a book.


#6

Would be most sad if they were denied their right to access Tumblr.


#7


#8

Wouldn’t it be great if we allowed them access to the internet, but only of certain, limited sites?


#9

In their version of the ‘Constitution’, it doesn’t mention jail at all. It just has the 2nd Amendment, something about ‘all your landz are belong to us!’ and a picture of Mr. Mackey going ‘Obama is bad, m’kay’


#10

Okay fellas, here’s your read-only copy of MySpace from 2005.


#11

No internet. No guns. Can’t even commandeer public faciities and trash them up with snack bags and dildos. What’s this country coming to when red-blooded faux-patriots are prevented from enjoyin’ the good things in life?


#12

This is the most hilarious part of the screed. I’d swear this was a clever attempt at getting diagnosed as mentally unfit to stand trial if I thought Ryan could be that clever.

So he needs a gun in jail because…he needs protection from the gubbermint? Or he needs a long rifle to help him sleep at night because he cuddles up to it? Even if they gave him a gun, they wouldn’t give him ammunition. Is he just comforted by having it on him? If any of this is true, he might not be mentally fit enough to stand trial…or to own a gun.


#13

He appears to have missed Article 1, section 8, which grants the legislature the power to suppress insurrections; Article 2, clause 5, which specifically requires the president to employ his executive power to faithfully execute the law; He’s lucky that the feds don’t seem interested in Article 3, section 3, which lays out some punchy penalties for treason, including ‘levying war against the united states’; He also appears to have missed the ‘peaceably’ part of his right to assembly; He also seems to have missed the fact that the state can actually do quite a few things to you without constitutional trouble, so long as 5th amendment due process is applied.

Good work all around!


#14

I was thinking Geocities myself. :slight_smile:


#15

That isn’t how jail generally works…

ETA - is the guy on the top left making a face, or is it just that way?


#16

Maybe just the original hamster dance page on a loop:


#17

The Right Wing(nut) Constitutional Amendments:

  1. You have freedom of religion to worship Jesus in any way you see fit.
  2. Unlimited rights to bear arms.
  3. No Homo.
  4. For the sake of our security, you can be spied on, anywhere, anywhen.
  5. Anything you say will be taken out of context and used to condemn you. If you didn’t say it, we’ll make it up anyway, with scary language like “death panels”
  6. Your access to a trials are dependent on variables, with the baseline for “fair and speedy” being granted to White Christians. Other colors and other religions should expect high wait periods and/or unfair processes.
  7. You only get a trial by jury if a corporation says that it’s okay.
  8. Cruel and unusual punishment is only prohibited for White Christians, especially wealthy ones. Members of other groups need to be punished in order to make an example of the costs of stepping out of line.
  9. If it wasn’t written in the Constitution, the states get to decide, never the federal government.
  10. The federal government can never be granted more powers. Ever.

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#18

The second amendment says that, a well-regulated militia being important and all, everybody gets to have their machine guns and rocket launchers and the like. And I ask you: who’s better regulated than the inmates in a federal penitentiary?


#19

What? I thought we had decided the Internet was a utility! You would deny these gentle patriots water as well?

[less sarcastic part:]

It’s at least slightly better than Breivik complaining about substandard video games.


#20

You mean, like never, ever?